Dealing with the guilt about spouse

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Dealing with the guilt about spouse
5
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 9:43am
Here is a short history: I have been married 11 years, two kids (7 and 5). My marriage has been rocky, but there has been no cheating or abuse or anything like that. My H is really a good guy - good father and provider. But there have been problems: controlling behavior on his part, no sexual relationship for most of our marriage, no real closeness. He has never really seen that anything is wrong. We have been to counseling, but now I want out. I told him the other night that I wanted a seperation. My problem is that I cannot get over the guilt I feel for ruining his life by asking for this (and he told me that's what I was doing). If we divorce, we will have to sell our house, and all of lives of course will change. Although this is what I want for me, I just can't get past the guilt I have about doing this to him. Is this normal? Is it worth destroying someone else's life for my own happiness, or should I sacrifice myself so that my husband doesn't get hurt? I know that most of the time people don't care at all how their spouse's feel in these situations, but I do. He is my children's father, and I don't want to see him in pain. I just want to know if anyone else has been through something like this, and how do you reconcile it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 12:20pm
My situation sounds similar to yours; although I've been married 27 years. We too have children (9 and 12), which has been the most significant reason why I have stayed over the past 3-5 years. We are basically what I refer to as "roommates," only occupying a house together, but not a bedroom. I feel we have stayed together (especially over the last 3 or so years) because it's just *easier.* Right now (until I finish my college degree)I am not financially able to support myself and my 2 kids w/o assistance (child support). I have put off separating/divorce for awhile, but just this summer I went ahead and talked with an attorney to draw up a separation agreement (whether he will actually agree or not and sign it remains to be seen). And yes, many days I feel very guilty! I dread when the day comes that I actually sit down and talk w/my children and let them know we will be moving out & into an apartment (which I just went today & put a security deposit on). That is really scary for me! My H and I have been together for so long it's hard to imagine us not together. I know when it does happen officially, everyone will probably blame me and I will be the bad *guy* so to speak. But in those moments (and yes I have many moments throughout each and every day) when I feel guilty, I think about me and why am spending any more of my life (I am 46) with someone who I'm not happy with and he can't be happy either. We haven't talked through any of this together, but that will happen this weekend. I have to make myself be up front with him so he will be prepared for the steps I have taken so far (we have a house that will have to be on the market to sell, which I dread). I have dreaded telling him that I want a divorce (although I have hinted or told him when I was venting); I've just proceeded ahead with the steps toward a separation/divorce on my own without letting him know what I'm doing. Hopefully you have a friend with who you can confide; it does help to talk with someone. I think it's pretty normal to feel guilty, especially when you can't pin point wanting out of marriage on something like abuse (mental, verbal, physical,emotional) or fighting or some other deal breaker. Something happened in our marriage 3 or 4 years ago that was a deal breaker, but I stuck it out and it has only festered over the years. I haven't been able to put it behind us and move forward. I should have left 3 years ago, but instead I have been unhappy and am now doing what I should have done then.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 9:52pm

Are you sure you aren't my stbx in disguise :-).

Seriously, though, try some more counseling, both together and on your own. It doesn't sound like you have clarity for yourself yet.

Clarity doesn't mean you won't still feel guilty, but you will feel more sure that the move you make is the best for you and for your children.

I'd also encourage you to do some reading, especially about children and divorce. "Helping Children Cope with Divorce" and "The truth about children and divorce" are two of the best I have read and available on Amazon. For couples there is a book called "Uncoupling" and "Spiritual divorce" either of which might be helpful.

For me it isn't as simple as "Do I make myself happy and everyone else miserable." It never is that simple. And yes you may be ruining his life--shattering his dreams--and causing tremendous pain to your children.

Soooo, since that may, in fact, be the case, then you need to be sure that divorce is the only path to happiness for you, that there isn't still room to work on your marriage (look into Retrouvaille before you walk away) by really giving it your all.

So, if after that, you still decide you need to leave, then follow the guidance in the above books about how to help your children, how to make it the least traumatic possible, encourage your stbx to be in counseling and to see it as an opportunity to grow and create a new life (his choice--you can't make him see it this way), if you can afford it work with a child psychologist on a parenting plan, and be as peaceful and cooperative with your stbx as you can, for your children's sake.

M (mom of a 5 and a 7 yo who are the bravest little girls you will ever meet)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 8:39am
I too am riding the same emotional roller coaster. Married for 22 years with 4 boys (22,19,15,11). Looking back through the years, I can only recall about 10 that were really good. My H is an ex Marine and has always been controlling and manipulating with me but now that the boys are older, he is playing the same head games with them. At 40, a bell went off inside and I realized I just can't live the rest of my life this way. Life is precious and fragile and only loaned to us for such a short time. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy except for my relationships with my sons. They are what keep me grounded. They are my life and my whole world. Friends tell me to just hang in there until the youngest graduates high school. That is still 7 years away and I will be looking at 50 then. I don't know if I can get through another 7 months never mind 7 years. Years ago, I was the doting, dutiful and dedicated wife who in his words, "did what I was told and kept my mouth shut". Those days have long since passed and I seem to have gained an upper hand. Although he won't admit it, he does indeed have an alcohol issue. I don't know of many other households that have a kegerlator in their family room year round. He refuses to address this fact. Never know what kind of drunk I will get on the weekends: mean or nice. Now I see my 2 older sons following in his footsteps as far as drinking is concerned. I have chosen to be the responsible, sober parent in this family. H has been a wonderful and dedicated father over the years but now I think he realizes he is losing control. Not only with me but with the older boys. They are old enough and smart enough to realize what has been going on through the years and have lost some respect for their Dad. As the boys have gotten older, H and I do not see eye to eye on many issues and that has cause for a great deal of tension. And I am no longer that dependent and doting wife who keeps her mouth shut and does what she is told. Turning 40 was very liberating for me. I went back to school and nights and have re-connected with old friends who I lost touch with over the years . H was threatened by these relationships and still is. I will always love him as a friend and father to my children. But I am not in love with him and havent been for nearly 5 years. I have hung in there trying just one more time to make it work. I have nothing left to give. No more fight left in me and I am tired. The guilt is overwhelming and last September when I started to tell him about wanteing out, he fell apart and nearly had an emotional breakdown. But refuses to seek counseling and would rather self medicate with alcohol and his chewless tobacco. And then his Mom got ill and passed away in April and now he uses that against me. How could I possibly do this to him now? How heartless and selfish I must be! I have been in counseling for the past 6 months trying to sort this out. where do I begin? How will I ever support myself and kids? Financially speaking, I can't leave, not yet. Finances are the only thing keeping us together. My heart aches and my soul has become an empty lot. I am hoping that this message board might help me in getting through this and help me move on! I want to be happy and it's not fair to either one of us! Thanks :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 11:46pm

Italia - my life is so much like yours. Married 30 years, one son 15, controlling manipulative man who has self medicated himself into alcoholism. I moved out 5 months ago, and I have no guilt as far as he's concerned. My son is very angry with me and I do feel guilt about him, but it's mostly guilt that I didn't have the courage to leave his father years ago when my son was young and it wouldn't have been so traumatic for him. Our relationship was never smooth, but in the last 10 years we have had financial problems which just magnified the issues. It's amazing how money can fill in the gaps that issues leave in a relationship. My mother-in-law passed away 8 year ago and I bellieve that was the beginning of my h's downward spiral. But I can't help him, he only aruges with me and throws everything back at me. He never addresses the issues which caused me to leave. And he runs to his bottle. I hate that my son is with him, but soon I should be getting at least partial custody since I have begun divorce proceedings.

You just have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are doing the right thing. Then you won't feel so guilty. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 2:56pm
wow I feel like I am reading my story! Married for 11 years, 3 kids, 8,6 and 4. Finances kept me here for a long time. I went to my lawyer last week for my first meeting and dropped my financials off today. STBX is still here, but has seen his lawyer too. He wants this too. I know I can do it by myself and we can all be happier. I could never imagine there could be so many controlling and manipulative men out there. Mine needs to grow up and realize he still has time to be a good dad.