Dealing with the guilt about spouse
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Dealing with the guilt about spouse
| Thu, 08-16-2007 - 9:43am |
Here is a short history: I have been married 11 years, two kids (7 and 5). My marriage has been rocky, but there has been no cheating or abuse or anything like that. My H is really a good guy - good father and provider. But there have been problems: controlling behavior on his part, no sexual relationship for most of our marriage, no real closeness. He has never really seen that anything is wrong. We have been to counseling, but now I want out. I told him the other night that I wanted a seperation. My problem is that I cannot get over the guilt I feel for ruining his life by asking for this (and he told me that's what I was doing). If we divorce, we will have to sell our house, and all of lives of course will change. Although this is what I want for me, I just can't get past the guilt I have about doing this to him. Is this normal? Is it worth destroying someone else's life for my own happiness, or should I sacrifice myself so that my husband doesn't get hurt? I know that most of the time people don't care at all how their spouse's feel in these situations, but I do. He is my children's father, and I don't want to see him in pain. I just want to know if anyone else has been through something like this, and how do you reconcile it?

Are you sure you aren't my stbx in disguise :-).
Seriously, though, try some more counseling, both together and on your own. It doesn't sound like you have clarity for yourself yet.
Clarity doesn't mean you won't still feel guilty, but you will feel more sure that the move you make is the best for you and for your children.
I'd also encourage you to do some reading, especially about children and divorce. "Helping Children Cope with Divorce" and "The truth about children and divorce" are two of the best I have read and available on Amazon. For couples there is a book called "Uncoupling" and "Spiritual divorce" either of which might be helpful.
For me it isn't as simple as "Do I make myself happy and everyone else miserable." It never is that simple. And yes you may be ruining his life--shattering his dreams--and causing tremendous pain to your children.
Soooo, since that may, in fact, be the case, then you need to be sure that divorce is the only path to happiness for you, that there isn't still room to work on your marriage (look into Retrouvaille before you walk away) by really giving it your all.
So, if after that, you still decide you need to leave, then follow the guidance in the above books about how to help your children, how to make it the least traumatic possible, encourage your stbx to be in counseling and to see it as an opportunity to grow and create a new life (his choice--you can't make him see it this way), if you can afford it work with a child psychologist on a parenting plan, and be as peaceful and cooperative with your stbx as you can, for your children's sake.
M (mom of a 5 and a 7 yo who are the bravest little girls you will ever meet)
Italia - my life is so much like yours. Married 30 years, one son 15, controlling manipulative man who has self medicated himself into alcoholism. I moved out 5 months ago, and I have no guilt as far as he's concerned. My son is very angry with me and I do feel guilt about him, but it's mostly guilt that I didn't have the courage to leave his father years ago when my son was young and it wouldn't have been so traumatic for him. Our relationship was never smooth, but in the last 10 years we have had financial problems which just magnified the issues. It's amazing how money can fill in the gaps that issues leave in a relationship. My mother-in-law passed away 8 year ago and I bellieve that was the beginning of my h's downward spiral. But I can't help him, he only aruges with me and throws everything back at me. He never addresses the issues which caused me to leave. And he runs to his bottle. I hate that my son is with him, but soon I should be getting at least partial custody since I have begun divorce proceedings.
You just have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are doing the right thing. Then you won't feel so guilty. Good luck.