Dealing with Separation and Kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Dealing with Separation and Kids?
1
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 10:28am

My emotionally abusive husband and I have been married for 9 years and have two kids, a 6 year-old boy and a 2 ½ year-old girl. Nine days ago I told him that I wanted a separation, and that I had seen a lawyer to learn about divorce and disillusion. I told him I need some time apart, but that I’m not rushing into filing divorce right now. He finally heard me (that was not the first time I’d asked him to leave) and went to a hotel for two nights, then I went away for the weekend with my daughter, and this week – because it’s more economic – he stayed at home while he’s been figuring out where to go from here. I have worked late and had plans each evening so we wouldn’t have to see each other much at night. Nevertheless, each evening we have had “talks” about his “progress” and the things he’s doing to win me back: he’s starting therapy, gone to his first Alanon meeting, finally confronted his formerly alcoholic and emotionally and physically abusive father. These are big steps, and he’s been a humbled man this week, but he’s still doing everything that the books say he would – in a panic he’s reaching out to me trying to be as loving and as seemingly changed as possible. (Books I’m reading are Beverly Engel’s “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship” and Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” both seen recco’d here on this board.) He’s absolute textbook in his behavior in the past and in the present as we deal with this.

The crux of my problem is this: He is talking about leaving tonight and going to an extended stay hotel. We had decided to have “the talk” with the kids shortly before he leaves. This means we will be having the talk tonight, logically. Which is fine with me, however, he wants to take our daughter with him to the hotel, and spend tomorrow with her. He also wants to take her for the weekend to our hometown (2 ½ hours away). We have always stayed at my parents’ house when we’ve visited there. Now he wants to take her up there, to stay with his sister or brother, presumably, where she’s never stayed before, with a dad who’s going to be going through some stuff. Here’s my issue- he is very concerned about me “taking the kids away” from him, even though I have told him again and again that I will not do that (he’s extremely insecure). I tried to explain to him that I want them to spend time with him, but 1) it’s not in the kids’ best interests to be separated from each other right after hearing that their parents are splitting up, and 2) it’s not in our daughter’s best interest to head to a hotel and a strange weekend right after all this goes down. What’s best for them is to have as much remain the same for them over the next week or two as we all deal with the ramifications of this. Right? The true reason he wants her with him is to have a sort of security blanket. It’s also not practical to think that they can stay with him at a hotel for 2 or 3 nights a week. (Our son is in kindergarten and takes the bus in the mornings.) It’s not as if he has an apartment with beds and toothbrushes and stuff for the kids. Under that scenario I’d be totally comfortable with sharing ½ the time. But things are so up in the air right now. I KNOW all this, but the husband’s insecurity is such that he seems to need compromise from me so that he can see that I am NOT trying to take the kids away.

So, what do I do? Do I compromise and let him take her to the hotel, but beg him not to take her back home for the weekend? Try to play it up like an adventure for her, and have the “talk” with my son after they leave? Hold off on “the talk” for a while? Or do I have some other kind of leverage? Should I tell him that I will proceed with the divorce if he doesn’t let the kids stay here, because he’s being selfish and not considering what’s best for them? How do most people handle the very first days and weeks of separation? Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 2:07pm

Wow, I couldn't move as fast as you and your h are. I hope it goes well. I would do a bit more reading about consequences of divorce for children and what to expect for the children before separating or having "the talk." But, that is just me. I am not saying don't do it, I am just saying make sure you both know what it means and what you can anticipate for your children.

If you go your route, I would definitely not have your dd taken out of her familar home and routine for a good long period of time. No, just no. She's too young for that kind of separation from mom under the best of circumstances, but under these circumstances .... Not what I would do.

But, then I am NOT an expert. This is just my perspective.

GL,

M