Death can't come soon enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Death can't come soon enough.
20
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 12:26pm
Before you get all excited I am not suicidal. I am sorry to come here and vent like this again, but I have no other place to go. Do you ever feel death won't come soon enough? I do. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life feeling like this. If God is merciful I will die soon because the pain in unbearable. I am so tired. I cannot remember the last time I slept peacefully. Trying to work full time and keep a house is seemingly impossible for me. Everything around me is falling apart and I am so lonely. What am I going to do? I have no one to talk to. I am begining to buckle under the stress. How long does it take to get out from under this? I feel as if I am standing still, even back sliding. I can't seem to get out of this hole. I finally cut off the sex from my STBX last week. That was the one last personal link I had to him and now i am feeling I made a big mistake. He was my lover and my best friend for 20 years and I am so lost without him. It may have just been sex and not the love I want, but at least he was here with me. I know it was a decision that had to be made. I am 37 yo, I weigh 250# I am not out going or beautiful and he was the only person who ever made me feel like I was worth a damn. Who the heck is going to want me now? Old and uglier than ever. I live in the middle of no where and prospective dates are few and very scary. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, but I can't see anything else. Thanks for letting me vent. If you all don't mind I'll probably do it again some day.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 12:44pm

I can understand what you mean. I work long hours and have a big house to maintain. I also have four kids which is a huge amount of baggage. I feel as though I'm never going to find someone that I'm on the same page with relationship-wise, goal-wise. I'm tired and want to sleep all the time. I have a chance to go on dates and don't go because I'm so convinced they're all players.

I have done a lot of improvements to the house, but still have so much more to do. I would love to spend money on a nice trip somewhere rather than spending it on this house. My Friday night consisted of mowing the lawn and cleaning the kitchen. Not at all what I thought the single life would be.

Have you thought of joining a divorce support group? I've been considering it. Would be nice to get together with other people that know what you're going through and don't judge.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 1:22pm
I wish there was a divorce support group in my area. Closest one I can find is 40 miles away and I can't leave my boys for that long. I just feel like I am going absolutely crazy. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 2:03pm

Brenda girl what the he[[ is wrong with your self-esteem? Have you always talked down about yourself? I would suggest going to a counselo, if a support group is too far. Try going to a divorce support group through a church. Also if you didn't know: people are far more attracted to others with high self-esteem than people who fit the "norm". I am telling you the truth. I know right now you don't feel too good about yourself, heck I think everyone here has taken a serious blow to there self-esteem. Try to look on the positive side, things could be MUCH worse. Be thankful for what you have and see yourself as the beautiful woman you are because no matter how much you weigh or how old you are you'll never appreciate it until you accept yourself.

Sincerely,
Cheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 2:32pm
Cheri, My self esteem has always been in the dumpster. I am in therapy and have been for the last two years. That's one of the reasons he left. I have depression and I did become suicidal about 2 years ago. He didn't understand why I just couldn't be happy. I know every thing about him wasn't great, but at least I wasn't alone. I don't have much to be proud of right now. I have failed at everything in this life and now I have failed at the one thing my children depended on, their family. Yes I know it take two, but I am probably 70% responsisble for the downfall of my marriage. When I got sick 2 years ago I was really ugly to my husband and I don't really blame him for leaving. I just never expected it though. I thought as I was getting better, we were getting better. I guess not. How do I make up to my children for ruining their family? Everything I touch falls to pieces and every man I have ever known has left me. I have trouble believing that I am worth something when not even my family will stick around. They are the ones who are supposed to love you unconditionally. I always counted on my husband to protect me from my family, now I have to deal with them on my own and i don't know if I am strong enough.My mother is so angry with me. She was always the one I could count on to always love me and now she is gone too. According to her I have done this divorce thing all wrong because I am thinking of my chiuldren first. ( Unlike what she did.) How do you learn to love yourself when everyone else shows you, you aren't worth loving? Sorry about the big whine. I am sure you got more of a story here than you bargined for.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 2:35pm

brenda - what you are going thru is normal - the stress, feeling like you are in a hole, feeling overwhelmed....


but, there are some things that you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 2:45pm

Hugs honey. I know this is hard.


When my ex left me I was 4 months pregnant, 250 pounds, no job and a then 4 year old son. I thought WHO will want me, Im fat, ugly, pregnant, no job

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 9:48pm

Are you on medication? It really helps in situations like this, it helps you see the light at the end of the tunnel. If not I suggest it, if so talk to your doc. about uping them or changing. You say he left right when, "I thought as I was getting better, we were getting better." You know what kind of people do that? Co-dependents! Yes, they give you the whole speel of you need to do this and this etc. When you actually do they freak out, feel insignificant and try to bring you back down. Do you have hopes and dreams? Write them down even if you couldn't possibly do them right now and think about how you CAN get to them. Truthfully I even think about what if I never settle down (again) and what would I do with my life that would completely fulfill me if I never fell in love again? Finish my degree, join peace corps, live abroad. learn a foreign language and adopt a child. Guess what? I had the same dreams while I was still married.

Your family probably doesn't even know how badly they have hurt your feelings. I say this assuming that with your low self-esteem that you have a hard time confronting people. I still take things to heart very easily. Most people don't even notice they've hurt my feelings and that is one positive thing my STBX showed me while we were married.

"Yes I know it take two, but I am probably 70% responsisble for the downfall of my marriage. When I got sick 2 years ago I was really ugly to my husband and I don't really blame him for leaving." Hon, that was 2 years ago. This might sound harsh but kids get over there puppy dying sooner than that. If he really did leave because of something that happened 2 years ago. Then he just needs to get over him-self.

In response to, "How do I make up to my children for ruining their family?" Truthfully, wouldn't you rather be in a happy/less hostile/fighting enviroment? Guess what so do they!! Many, many kids see there parents get divorced AND remarried. They adjust easier than adults do.

As with your mom. I am very close to my mom and when she tells me what to do with my life and I don't agree with it, it is very hard to confront her. When I do confront her i.e. 'Mom I know you only want the best for me and that is what has made you such a great mother.Thank you for your thoughts and opinions I appreciate them. I have decided that XYZ is best for me and I know I can count on your support because you have always been there for me.' I always get a positive response even if she says, "But...." I just reiterate it is what is best for me and that she is a great mother for being supportive of me no matter what I do. Is this a little manipulative? Yes, but it expresses how I feel in a non-threatening way and lets my mother know how much I need her.

I hope some of the things that have helped me through hard times will be able to help you too. Also even when you're blue just try to act happy until you feel happy.

Sincerely,
Cheri

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 9:56am

Hi Brenda,

I saw your post, and I had to reply. I just want to say that you ARE beautiful. We all are. So what if we don't look like Christie Brinkley, or Angelina Jolie. You ARE beautiful, in every single way (think of that Christina Aguilera song-- I'm not a fan of hers, but she got it right on that one! ;-) ), don't let others or yourself bring you down. You'll get through this. Have you tried counselling? I'm in counselling myself, and it works wonders.

Do what feels good for your heart and soul. Music is a great release for me. Since STBX moved out, I've started to listen to classical music, and let me tell you, it is very soothing for the soul. Even my kids like it, and it's FANTASTIC for easing stress levels. The good thing is, the classical music section at Walmart is value priced, and there's a BIG selection of relaxation-themed cds. Try them, they really help.

If you're comfortable with it, go for a massage. The muscles carry stress, and that isn't good for the psyche. I have stress-related health problems that have caused incredible fatigue and immune issues. PLEASE try to get your stress level down. Your kids will pick up on your stress, and that isn't good for all of you.

I know what you mean about homekeeping. How old are your kids? If they're old enough to help with chores, put them to work. What I did was sit down with my youngest ds (he's 9), and we went over what everyone's responsibilities are, INCLUDING me. It wasn't an overwhelming list, either, I think we came up with 4 things for each family member. Designate a day to do certain chores, like Thursday clean the bathrooms, or Monday do the wash. It's comforting to tend to things, and you'll feel like you've accomplished something positive. I'm not the best housekeeper, but so what-- I'm not out to impress the neighbors. Just last week, my massage therapist (a good friend and neighbor) stopped by, and my house was messy. I apologized for the mess, and she said, "NEVER apologize for stuff like this. Everyone's house has messes. Don't sweat it," which I thought was a great attitude to have.

Yes, like the other posters have said, do try to eat the healthiest foods you can find. We really are what we eat, and it does make a huge difference.

One more thing. You said that your STBX was the only person that made you feel like you were worth a damn. You need to change that way of thinking, and say simply, "I AM worth a damn, and I don't need ANYBODY to do that for me." Because it is true, whether you feel that now, or not. It is your responsibility to take the best care of yourself emotionally, physically, in whatever way you need to. The self esteem that you get from knowing that it came from within YOU is without comparison. You'll get through this, we're here for you!

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 5:38pm
Thanks sk! I have taken a sleeping pill for two years. they have offered to up to a stronger one, but I am afraid of it. I don't want to become addicted. The one I take is a mild sedative. I am having trouble getting away from, who is going to want me. I have just been dumped by the man who promised before God that he would love and cherish till death do us part. How do I ever trust anyone again? I wish I knew who I was and what I wanted or even where I wanted my life to go. I have always relied on my ex to provide me with those answers. It's been twenty years since I've thought just about me. How do I do that and not abandon my children? Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 5:44pm
Thanks so much for the response. How do I get angry? My mother keeps saying the same thing. The only person I have to be angry with is me. If I had been a better wife he wouldn't have left. I will try and find the good in this and everything else. I am glad you and your new beau are so happy. You give me hope. Thanks again. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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