Death can't come soon enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Death can't come soon enough.
20
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 12:26pm
Before you get all excited I am not suicidal. I am sorry to come here and vent like this again, but I have no other place to go. Do you ever feel death won't come soon enough? I do. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life feeling like this. If God is merciful I will die soon because the pain in unbearable. I am so tired. I cannot remember the last time I slept peacefully. Trying to work full time and keep a house is seemingly impossible for me. Everything around me is falling apart and I am so lonely. What am I going to do? I have no one to talk to. I am begining to buckle under the stress. How long does it take to get out from under this? I feel as if I am standing still, even back sliding. I can't seem to get out of this hole. I finally cut off the sex from my STBX last week. That was the one last personal link I had to him and now i am feeling I made a big mistake. He was my lover and my best friend for 20 years and I am so lost without him. It may have just been sex and not the love I want, but at least he was here with me. I know it was a decision that had to be made. I am 37 yo, I weigh 250# I am not out going or beautiful and he was the only person who ever made me feel like I was worth a damn. Who the heck is going to want me now? Old and uglier than ever. I live in the middle of no where and prospective dates are few and very scary. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, but I can't see anything else. Thanks for letting me vent. If you all don't mind I'll probably do it again some day.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 5:53pm
Thanks Cheri. Yes I am on medication and i go to therapy twice a month. What is a co-dependant? I don't know who I am or what I want other than to be Mrs.XYZ and mother to my boys. That's what I wanted and he has decided that I can't have that without even once giving me the chance to fix what I didn't know was broken. He gave me flowers for valentines and we were snuggling more on the couch since the first of the year. He even made love to me the night before he went to the lawyers office. I am so confused. I didn't know we were broken so how could I fix it. We didn't fight that much. We were getting along better. I must have had a bag over my head for the last to years to not see what was happening. I tried standing up to my Mom, all I did was hurt her and make her angrier. Thanks for the advice. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 6:01pm
Thanks Susie! I go to counseling twice a month. It's going to get to the point where I can't afford it anymore though. I have been listening to a lot of music too. I love Josh Groban. I am also playing a lot of spider solitare. I can't afford a massage, but I would love to get one. Maybe I'll have to start saving my pennies for one. My children are 9 and 12. They do help some. Maybe things will be easier once school is back in session and we have some routine back in our lives. Thanks for the hugs!
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 6:04pm

Woooooooah.... hang on..... you have to start thinking positively and the first thing to think about is that the divorce and him leaving you is HIS fault! He made the choice to leave.....


I can tell you from personal experience that it is SO easy to blame ourselves for the failure of our marriage, but all in all, we didn't leave! He made the choice to do X,Y,Z...... right?


So start now and say it with me :) THE DIVORCE IS HIS FAULT I WAS THE BETTER SPOUSE BECAUSE I DIDNT GIVE UP HE DID!


K, now that we got that out of the way :)


Hugs to you sweetie..... many many hugs.


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 6:14pm
Well said Susie!! Great ideas that I think I will try to incorporate too. Sounds like you're in a great place right now.
Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 6:53pm

All I'm doing is trying. :-) I honestly am not mourning for my marriage-- it was over a long time ago. The divorce is just a formality at this point for me. The bigger issue for my family is how the kids are coping. They need structure, and STBX thinks they need spoiling, and less structure. That, and recovering my health...

Went to Linens N Things today, and bought 2 of those stress balls, in addition to some really sweet sheets with a 310 thread count (on sale, and with a 20% off coupon). Gotta have soft sheets to dream about Mr. Right and our Tuscan honeymoon, right? ;-)

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 7:19pm

Hi again Brenda,

I just read and re-read all the posts in this thread, and I'd have to agree with the poster who mentioned co-dependancy. The most popular book about that is called "Co-Dependant No More", by Melody Beattie. You could order it through your local library. My counselor had me read that when I first went to her 2 years ago. While I didn't agree with ALL the author wrote about, it did make me re-examine my relationships, and what my reactions were to issues and problems.

Like you, I wanted to fix things-- including STBX's alcoholism. This year I finally realized that it's not my problem to fix. STBX is in denial, and doesn't value himself enough to fix himself. I can't do that for him. We just cannot fix other people. All we can do is adjust how we act/react to certain situations.

I think that we as women forget or neglect to nurture themselves, and just concentrate on our children, husband, pets, school activities, whatever. This is doing a great dis-service to our loved ones if we don't take care of ourselves. It always bites you in the a$$, believe me. I spent years worrying about how others would feel (thanks to STBX and his passive-aggressive ways, not wanting to upset the people who were upsetting us) as they rode roughshod over us, busted my hump doing everything for my family, saying yes to everything, not taking care of my health, and it's come back to haunt me in a big way. My health and immune system are trashed.

Your kids will thank you for taking care of yourself, and will respect you for it. You take care of them, who is going to take care of you? Y O U! :-) Get a hobby that you like. Genealogy is mine, but I also sew, crafts, read... I just taught myself to knit this spring, and made myself a poncho. I've gotten SO many compliments on it, and I did it for me, rather than something for someone else! It's essential for your health to nurture yourself. It may seem like you're neglecting your kids at first, but it really isn't. Just an hour a day to concentrate on YOU isn't much-- read a catalog, write a letter to a friend, etc. Just make a habit out of doing or saying something good about yourself. Write it down in a journal-- I've heard that helps, especially if you have low self-esteem.

Well, time to get off my soapbox, LOL.
Take care!
Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 1:31pm

brenda - you may not be aware of this, but i think that you are halfway there already - you understand the problem perfectly: <<I wish I knew who I was and what I wanted or even where I wanted my life to go. I have always relied on my ex to provide me with those answers. It's been twenty years since I've thought just about me>>> that's it, in a nutshell. time to think about YOU and focus on who you are, and i must tell you that as soon as you put those pieces in place, things will be much easier for you. i understand you don't want to be come addicted to the sleeping pills - but are they addictive? I know that you CAN'T carry on without getting proper sleep. and you know there are also other things you might try, when you can: excerise, watching what you are eating (try to reduce sugar, startches, and caffeine, epecially before you go to bed), and relaxation tapes.


taking care of YOU does not equal "child abanding". you can't be a good mother unless you DO take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 1:45pm
Sk, I think you are right. This week is going to be better if it kills me.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 3:21pm

Hi Brenda,

You may not realize it, but you have already taken a major step toward reclaiming your life and standing up for yourself. You apparently were not feeling good about yourself by sleeping with your H and not getting any commitment from him in return. By deciding not to have sex with him any more, you have realized that you are worth more than you've given yourself credit for in the past. Although I have been separated from my STBX for two years now, I continued to sleep with him during the first year in hopes of reconciling. He never put any effort into saving the marriage and would just just throw his clothes on and leave after we were finished. I used to feel so cheap when he did that, but I wanted to hold on to whatever little connection I could have with him. But one day I just realized that I deserved better, and that if I didn't stop the cycle, he would continue to use me as long as I let him. It was hard to stand up to him and say no, but it has been one year since I have been intimate with him, and I will never regret my decision. You've reached that point as well, and if your H is not willing to treat you with respect and work on the marriage, trust me, you will not regret your decision either.

As for feeling good about yourself, that will come in time as you start to heal. I remember feeling so lonely, ugly and depressed after I separated from my STBX. But then I realized that I was looking at myself through "his" eyes. I started to appreciate the things that I did like about myself: being a good mom, being spontaneous, having the ability to get through hardship, and I slowly added on to the list as I stopped looking at myself as a betrayed wife and started being "me" again. I started reconnecting with friends, and realized that many of them were going through similar problems, so I shared my experiences with them and gave them my support. I began exercising and doing pilates (it really does work!) and all of the marriage stress made me lose my post-baby weight. I also added vitamins to my routine (st.john's wort improved my depression a lot). Believe me, you are a worthwhile and beautiful person - you just forgot! Take the time to find out who you are again. As you learn about and take care of yourself, you'll begin to like yourself more. And no one else can do that for you.

I wish you lots of luck in your journey, and know that things do get so much better. And don't forget karma - my STBX lost all of the weight that I lost, and then some! I can truly say that I am content with my life right now and feel good about myself. And I would not trade those feelings for a roll in the hay with my STBX.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 4:50pm

Brenda,

First off, know that I was feeling sympathy pains while reading your posts and the replies on this thread... I think alot of us have been wallowing in a similar hole and been able to dig ourselves out. First step, STOP DIGGING!! If what we are doing is not working, we have to change.

You've started that by thinking about the positives on your other thread--you got lots of positive thoughts going there for all of us! Thanks!

Remember, you can do it and you are in charge of your own emotions--they don't come upon you without your permission. If you feel a negative emotion, you CAN change it.

In reading through the comments on taking care of ourselves in order to care for our families, I was reminded of the instruction we get every time we fly..."put the oxygen mask on ourselves first, then help other passengers".

There's truth in the silly saying, "if Momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy."

Wishing everyone happiness.

Cupcake

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