Deciding to Divorce ~ where do I start
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| Mon, 03-21-2005 - 5:55pm |
This is my fist time posting, after lurking for a while.
My h and I have been married for close to two years and we have a three year old dd together. Our marriage has been rocking since day one, I often question why we got married in the first place. H and I have had several discussion regarding the problems in our marriage, we never come to any conclusions, we’ve tried counseling and nothing seems to work. This is my second marriage and I am at the point where I truly think I am just not mean to be married.
We have not sat down and had a serious conversation on “divorce” yet, our last talk was about a month ago and at that point I told him that I would try to be more open and work on the relationship, since he seems to think all our problems are my fault. Well I’ve been doing some soul searching and I can honestly say that I am just not in love with him anymore and I am very unhappy. We rarely sleep in the same bed and the last time we were intimate was about 9 months ago. Some of the other major problems in our marriage are related to my 13 yr old son (from previous marriage), my h is very mean to my son at times and it really breaks my heart.
So Now that I really want out of this relationship, how do I leave? Do I find an apartment before I tell him I want a divorce? We currently rent a house and I can’t afford to stay here without him paying his share of the rent (we also keep our money and expenses separate). How do we establish child support, is it done before we separate? I’ve gone through divorce before, but it was a lot different and I am expecting this divorce to be on the ugly side. During our last big fight, out of anger I told him that I was going to leave and he told me that I had a legal obligation to stay, (because we signed a lease where we currently live). So needless to say I’ve been trying to hold off this talk until we are close to the end of our lease, which is mid June. I guess I am just afraid of the unexpected!

There are some things you can do before you tell your husband you want a divorce. You can get the lease out and make a copy, you can make copies of paystubs and other financial records, and you can make an appointment and go see an attorney. An attorney can tell you what the process will be in your state - every state is different so you really need to rely on an attorney for this information. Your attorney can also tell you what you obligation is under the lease. Most leases can be broken, but there is usually a fee (sometimes it's a few months rent). Talk to an attorney now, even if you are planning to wait until the lease is up to have the divorce discussion.
Child support can be dealt with during separation but there are some things you and your husband need to work out such as how often you will each have with dd. Some states calculate child support as a percentage of the NCP's income, but most take both incomes and certain other expenses (usually daycare and health insurance for the child) and the split of parenting time and use a computer program to compute it. There are online calculators but in my case the one's I used weren't that reliable.
The goal when you talk to your husband is to get him to see that you want the divorce and there is no alternative except deciding how hard to make the divorce process. Harder means more expensive and probably will result in him getting less in custody and paying more in child support. Ideal is you sit down and work out a split of property that you both think is fair and a custody agreement that puts dd's interests first.
Good luck and keep us posted.
I have a house, how do I get him to LEAVE. Similiar thing... marriage just started off bad. Probably was a rebound? I just want to be alone. I actually go out with friends and have met people. I want my freedom. I hate living 2 lives.
I know the first step is to see an attorney. Thankfully, I work with several and one actually used to work in Family Law. I obtained some free information, and was about to have everything filed and then got sick. I have been on leave of absence with unknown return time. BUT, I can't handle it anymore.
I am a 30s mom, 1 child under 5, married 5 years. We met after a bad relationship I had with a boyfriend. DH actually helped convince me get him out of apartment etc... Come to think of it, I have never not had a boyfriend... hoped from one to another. Husband was fine with first year of mortgage. Second year I got pregnant, we tried quite a bit ;) He was okay in beginning of pregnancy, but was very jealous of my attention. Once I had the child, I did NOTHING right... he belittled me, criticized me, and yells at me. He never lifted a hand. It came down to my friends and family asking what was going on? I asked what did they mean, they say he has captured my personality, mind, and esteem beyond repair. I saw a counselor, whom agreed. I then looked at things. I did not go back to school or study law, he did not want me to. I did not get the house I wanted, he did not like it. I even bought a car in my name, because he thought it was better.
Nothing against someone who never went to college, I never completed.... he has a high school education. He is NO better than me. Heck, I have an appraiser's license for automobiles and do all the household work and repairs.
He has controlled my hair, my clothes, my life. I have asked him to leave he won't. I financially right now need him, along with for the car of my child. I can't stand the man.
He's been living here for officially about 6 months straight. Occasional fights he leaves. I go out with friends. I want to get back to work, but can't right now with illness. I just don't know what to do. I tape recorded him and played it back to him. I just want piece. He's about 40, so the thought of him changing is going to bad. I asked about counseling during our child's first year he did not want to go.
It's to the point when he sips coffee, eats.. I cringe.
I don't have the money right now to go back to attorney. I need to figure out can I make him leave. Also, he has daughter saying what he says to me.
It's the new year, well sort of, I want the new free me...
I have looked into colleges and about to apply. I am thinking of loans. Apartments are so expensive, I am better off keeping the house.. but I don't think I can handle everything. Dramatic cuts will have to be made, I am more than happy to do them to get out.
What steps has anyone done before attorney?
I never took credit out in my married name. We already have separate accounts. I have secretly ordered his credit report, and no joint credit except for house and small home equity loan.
What if I become permanently disabled? Am I destined to put up with crap? He actually punched a wall near me the other day. So, I know it's getting worse.
Please help. Please tell me your story. Please advise of cheap good attorneys in PA, Philadelphia area. Bucks County preferred. I told the attorney I was going to that I did not need their service, they did quote me some wrong things.
Tish
I'll start from the end - remember that