Decisions and Frustrations

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Decisions and Frustrations
6
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 2:10pm

I'm so confused!!!! I have to (as many of us do) make a decision about moving, selling home, where to move- house or townhome, what can I afford, etc. I'm not very good at making decisions, it always takes me tons of time to come to a conclusion. I'm terrified I'll screw up my kids and my life!

How did you guys make these decisions?

I'm frustrated because stbx hasn't signed my separation agreement and he hasn't come up with one of his own to present to me. He doesn't have lawyer yet. We've been separated for 5 1/2 months. I feel like I need something definite (a legal agreement) in place before I make any major decisions.

My stbx lives 4 hrs away. He moved for work then decided he didn't want to be married anymore. He expects me to meet him half way every weekend so he can get kids for visitation. I did this for awhile but I just can't afford it. When I told him this, he became angry because it means he'll have to drive all the way back and forth.

I reminded him he has family in town that he can stay with to visit kids here. He says he doesn't like to. I also reminded him he has a government car that pays for all his gas, but I don't. He just keeps saying he has it just as bad financially as I do. He's pressuring me to sell the house. I don't know what to do. He wants the title to one of the vehicles. I don't want to do anything until we have an "agreement" through the court. I guess I need to touch base with my attorney, but I hate to spend $150/hr for her to tell me "it's really up to you", or something else that's not all that helpful.

Any suggestion? Any one else going through similar situation? How has visitation worked when the parent's live so far apart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 8:30am

Hi! Your situation is so similiar to mine, I thought your post was mine (see "Overwhelmed"). My STBX lives (with his GF) in Brewster, NY (about 30 mins away from our town in CT). We have to sell the house because I can't afford the payments and upkeep. We have to leave town because I can't afford to live here, his parents live here (awkward for me), it's too small, and lots of other reasons. It took me hours of research (on the Web, CT Magazine's Best Towns issue, talking with friends, soul searching...) but I finally found a pretty good town (small city) about 1 1/2 hours away from STBX. I'm planning on moving there this summer when the house sells. I am scared to death. My kids say I have ruined their lives. This is definitiely not where I thought I would be a few years ago. My STBX is shocked (and really, really angry)that I plan to move and is furious that he won't be able to stick to his current visitation schedule (Tues. and Thursday nights for dinner and visit and every other weekend) because we're going so far away.

I can't give you much advice because I'm going through the same situation right now. I can tell you that you are not alone. It doesn't sound fair that you have to drive the entire 4 hour distance. Perhaps you could meet halfway or alternate driving duties. Does your STBX have all weekends? When are you supposed to have fun with the kids? We are going to alternate weekends but he wants more summer time to make up for his loss of two nights per week. The whole visitation thing is horrible because just when you find something that works, your needs (or your kids) change. Please let us know what happens with your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 6:24pm

Thank you for your support right now. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in what I'm going through. That I'm not "the only one". I know, unfortunately, that this happens all the time, and that we WILL survive this!!

It is very frustrating to move "backwards" in life, just when (as a married couple) we were moving forward financially. Now, I'm looking at apartments and townhomes due to what I can afford as single mom. My kids are 7 and 6 and we have a 55 lb. dog. I can't imagine living in an apartment with my wonderful,loud, often rowdy boys and my barking dog! A townhome is the same situation. I forsee lots of complaining neighbors. Plus many apartments here don't allow dogs the size I have. Getting rid of him is not an option as I've had him all of his 11 years and he is my best friend, especially now.

I know it will all come together and work out. I'm just really scared of the unknown-- goes along with my indecisive nature! Thanks again for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 7:23am

Hello there,

Sending you the proverbial 'cyber hug' Deckla1. The whole 'where to get a place to live' thing is soooo hard! And the major 'visitation' and custody issues are the hardest part of my current divorce (okay the no cs thing complicates it too I guess.) Following are some of my run-on sentence 'two-cent thoughts' for you, *smiles.

I think I have an entrepreneurial idea --- I should start a business that puts people going through a divorce, in touch with others for living situations - i.e. a kind of short term housing 'roomate' situation. Maybe it could be folks willing to commit to either three month, six month or one year time periods. That way there could be some source for making that transition from the beginning of a divorce through to the end where some get financial settlements, or are finally able to sell the marital house, or could rent one bedroom of their marital home to another parent for the interim until the divorce is over, etc. I am sure that sort of business would be fraught with challenges, since you would be matching up clients who are all going through MAJOR life upheavals, lol, but it still is definitely something that would help some people.

I wish so much I could meet another parent who has some of the same general values in life, with whom I could look for a place to lease so we could create a reasonably stable situation to live in til the divorces are over. I know lots of people have family to move in with etc, but that is not my situation. Affording a place is a huge part of this ordeal; number of children, and of course family pets, all complicate it and splitting the cost with another parent who has half or partial custody of their children would be a really workable situation I think.

I am sorry you have to be part of this message board community - but what a great one it is! One thing I can share with you, is that you are and will be stronger than you might feel 'right now'. The other is this: buck yourself up hon. You have to, and you can choose to. There are many things to come and decisions to make which you obviously didn't get to plan ahead for or practice before having to do! Some life crisis' tend to have only a few things one has to focus on; but this is not one of those unfortunately. Some of us have to make myriads of decisions very quick, and others have a bit more time, but it still seems so difficult, not the least of which is continuing to have to deal with the feelings of what 'might have been' and the cruddy stbx at the same time.

You will see as you read other parent's posts here; the support is wonderful and heartfelt; the tips are practical and helpful. You can ask questions here, vent when you are frustrated (even the 'its just not fair' variety!), and just get a little comfort from others who have btdt. No ones' divorce process is the same; but the emotions, the mindset, the feelings you have to work through are very much the same. Part of the practical problems and general legal issues are also similar, and some folks here may be from the same state you are etc, so ask away!

I would like to say concerning your stbx, assuming the decision to divorce is made already and there is no reconciliation possible --- yes, it would be great for the kids especially, if the two of you are able to get the divorce, settle 'fairly' and move on to a reasonably amicable co-parenting relationship. In the meantime set your priorities: #1 You---you have to make some quiet decision to start thinking of yourself first, so you can be strong through this for your children hon. That includes taking a little extra care of yourself...counseling if possible, friends and family to be supportive, a few hours of tlc for you every now and then, i.e. a bubble bath, new haircut...things to quietly boost your self esteem in positive ways.

And #2, your children. Caring for them, loving them, helping them see they are in no way responsible for the divorce. Remember too, part of what the kids process will be taking their que's from you and their dad. You cannot prevent all their hurt in this; but seeing you handle things, sometimes allowing true emotion to show, but not falling apart continuously or turning to various addictions to 'get through it' will help your sweet ones the most.

Since those are your two main priorities, it falls to you to square your shoulders, and tell yourself firmly that you CAN make good decisions. Please know that thinking things through, making pro-con lists, researching, and asking around are GOOD steps while making a decision and do not make you 'indecisive'. As a matter of fact, that may just be a 'tape' left over from stbx, which is not going to do you any favors in the midst of this. You can do this; you can even face it if you make some 'less right' decisions---who told you that you are perfect anyhow? You can be satisfied as you make decisions which turn out later to show the care you took while making them.

Get to know yourself. Begin to see the real worth in you. Treat yourself and your children the best you can; and you will know you have done the 'right' things. You will get lots of advice through this from all sorts of outside sources; you need to decide one big thing right now --- how will you filter and process this hurt, the huge decisions and the turmoil right now that will be healthy for you and the children as you go through it. That is the best you can do; I finally found out that I cannot, no matter how I wish for it,seek it and ask for it, I can not get any sort of guarantee that I am 'doing it right'. Life keeps happening, and I get two choices: move forward, or move backward. The delays made by my ex, the stuff he has put the kids through, and any of the process which I cannot directly control or influence - I have to just breath and let it be. That has been really hard; but I will tell you, no matter how cliche it sounds, each day does get a little bit 'better'.

That was hard for me to believe for a long time; because for me...the freedom from the control-freak really would be ideal;but that isn't going to ever happen completely, since we are the childrens parents and I will forever have him on the perimeter of my life...but I am learning that is where he needs to be...on the outside looking in, and I am learning what I can do to keep him at that perimeter and that makes my breathing easier some of the time, and hopefully it will make a difference when the divorce is final and we make a transition to the next part of life.

Now, believe in yourself, get all the help you can, but go forward with the decisions you need to make. Do it. You are more than capable. No matter what. No matter what he has ever told you that was negative about your personality, or that someone else has hinted that may be a 'weakness' of yours. And if you have seen yourself have difficulty with decisions in the past, so be it. This is now.

I literally had to tell myself in the beginning stages of my cruddy divorce sometimes, several days a week: "You get the chance every single day when you open your eyes to begin anew. You take your self-knowledge, and be strengthened by knowing yourself, but do not think you have to repeat past mistakes, or just continue old routines."

Be well; and believe there will be more happiness in your life; but you must 'work' through this time. Happiness -that is what is meant for you and your children --- this is usually not a 'fast' process; but I just wanted to give you some encouragement. Making decisions, or thinking I could make good ones was one of the hardest things for me in the beginning too. Email me anytime if you want to just discuss things, Peace, Annah

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 8:44am

deckla1-

We are in the exact same situation. I have an 8 and 9 year old. We have a 55 pound lab retriever I have to decide what to do with (apartments that allow dogs look creepy here) also. We can't give her away- it's out of the question- especially now as the kids find confort from her. I have no family here to help out. My financial situation is about as dire as it has ever been in my entire life and I feel like I'm a teen again starting over (only with two kids and a dog and a sh***y ex chained to my ankle). It's not the liberating feeling of starting over, though. I like the idea of someone who can arrange shared living with other people going through the same situation. All of there decisions are really hard to make. Please let me know how your situation progresses because it may give me hope that we'll be OK also. Just to let you know, deckla1, yesterday I met someone on this board who is in a similiar situation and may be moving to the same town we're going to this summer! We're going to try to meet. We are not alone. Please keep in touch.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 1:09pm
Thanks Annah and Laura (by the way, my name is Laura, too)! I needed to hear (rather read) the things you wrote, Annah. Today I feel more confident, and needed reminders that you "just do it", there are no guarantees or premonitions that a decision is the right one. I do need to stop playing those negative "tapes" in my head that my stbx would say about me. My new mantra every day-- or whenever I need it-- is "I am a strong, intelligent, resourceful woman. I CAN do this". It helps! Thanks, girls!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 2:32pm

I have those negative mental tapes going also. I wrote down my goals and I look at them to maintain my way on the path I have chosen. I know I can do it, but there are times when I really question wether I have made the right decisions. At least I hope most of them are good. Except for my choice of husbands... YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!

Laura