Delurking with questions :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Delurking with questions :-(
7
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 6:16pm
Hi I am new to this board.. I have been married 7 years been together 12 with 2 kids. A while back my husband went through a bad depression due to loosing his job, and since then everything has changed.. He decided to put all of his time into being on the computer and by doing so wound up talking with this woman and now says he loves her even though they never met... Everytime I would file papers twice so far he would say no I need time.. Well the other night I told him I needed answers.... After an 6 hour phone call It basically came down to him saying he was willing to work things out a while ago but has to deep of feelings for this other woman 1500 miles away to work on anything now. So I told him he had to take the initive and file for the Divorce b/c I was tired of the emotional rollercoaster and have already put my heart on the line twice. How can someone love someone they never met.. I think it is just an excuse for him to get out of dealing with kids and us, but I dont know what to feel anymore. I like many of the woman on here for some reason can not hate him and try to understand where he is coming from, but if a man leaves his family to have an internet affair there would be reason to hate him. Why cant I? I have all the information for this woman, and some days I feel like just emailing her and telling her how she ruined our family and not to talk to him, but on the other I realize painfully that is takes two.. What would you do? I love this board and have gotton lots of strenth. Do you have a chatroom I think if you ladies are like me it would be great to just chat with each other and lay it out on the line and move on or just talk about anything. (Community Leader) I have a website that allows chats I had it for a group I use to run, if that is not against the rules let me know.. Would be great to chat with you ladies more. Take Care Rockclover
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 6:45pm

I know another board that had a chat, but it was a much slower board and I think a chat on this board would be fun. CL's?

I think it's understandable why you would not hate him, but you might find yourself more angry at times as you go through this process. I don't believe you can have true love with someone you've never met, he is probably in love with the idea of her. When someone is that far away, you can fantasize a perfect life with them, and you don't imagine arguing over the dishes or the laundry or watching too much tv and not finding a job. He's foolish and stupid and he'll find that out someday. If it were me, I would not email her. She won't see your side of things and nothing good can come if it. If I did ever talk to her, I wouldn't accuse her of ruining the family (I think your husband is more responsbile for doing that) but I would tell her how happy I am that she was going to be supporting his jobless rear end from now on. If you want to hurt her, don't let her think she hurt you, let her think she helped you out. That will make her second guess her choice more than anything. But all in all, your issues are more with him that with her IMHO.

(((HUGS))))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 7:54pm
First of all, I am sorry that you have to be here...None of us want to be....
It sounds like your H may have the same issue my H has, I call it Grass is Greener Syndrome......My H does not love women...He loves the idea of women...He puts them on a pedastal and just loves them immediately and then knocks it out from under them when he realizes that they are human....My H has had affairs and they are always with women that live at least 3 to 6 hours away....I think that is distance enough for him to imagine that they are perfect and he can take them on weekend trips and pretend to be a couple...I can not speak for yours, but my H has just never liked the reality of our life...He does not like the reality that kids get time out, make messes and bring toys out in the living room to play....He lives more in the fantasy.....I agree on not emailing or contacting the chick, that will just make her extremely sympathetic to him and make you out to be the bad guy....Any way,the other chicks have always contacted me....I think it is in their DNA.....As for how you feel about him, I have found that I have gone thru several different emotions toward my H....There are days I am ok with him, days that I hate him for what he has done to us and days in between where I am just sad and lonely....Just stay strong and take care of yourself and your little ones.....I agree on the chat thing.....that would be cool!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 8:46pm

Hey Hannahbze03,

Yeah my husband has a problem dealing with kids. If they yell or have toys everywhere he throws a fit and then has an anxiety attack... I had him move out 5 months ago so we could work on things, but it seemed like that was exactly what he wanted.. A Phantasy... It amazes me that we have 12 years together and he has only been with her 8 months and he is willing to throw it all away.. The other night he was trying to be romantic with me and I said to him, you say you love this other woman then dont you think what you are trying to do with me would be cheating on her, he replied yeah I guess so. I think he is just using her as a crutch b/c like you said its a life out of his reality... If you ever want to talk send me an email. I hope we are able to do something with a chat. Would be fun. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 9:17pm

Hi guys,


I also agree that chat could be fun. I would be willing to host it on any given evening.... I will start another post about that....


rocklover.....


Welcome and hugs to you. It's hard, I know!


Bottom line, an internet affair IS an affair anyway you look at it. You can emotionally have an affair with someone and your right, that woman did help break up your family, BUT your H HAS TO REALIZE what he did too....


Part of getting through things like this is owning what you did in the demise of the marriage and I believe your husband is a lot of fault in this, IMO.


Depression is a nasty thing.... it was most of the reason for the emotional detachment in my marriage. Although I never told him to go be with someone else...... he is responsible for that all on his own.


So I guess what I am saying, don't blame the other woman. I know you want to email her but believe me, chances are, she doesn't know about you. If she does, well, there is no reason to email her because you KNOW you are better than she.


So, getting out of the funk, hating the man that did this...... I think I told another poster today that the man he is now is NOT the man you married. The man you married and the man that loves you is not there anymore, if he was, he would not be confessing his "love" to someone he never met. What happens when he meets this woman and finds out she is really a man or something....... ( trying to get a smile out of you...haha ) no, honestly, what are the odds of him meeting her. Probably slim to none given the distance and I honestly think that he is trying to keep you on the side in case it doesnt work out with her. He is afraid that she is not all she is cracked up to be and wants to make sure his family will wait for him........Im not sure your feelings on it, but I am sure that would be a no to being leftovers or seconds to her. No way.....


Hugs to you and good luck.


Angelena






iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 5:54pm

Hey Ladies,

Have we heard anything about the chat?

Take Care
Rockclover

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 7:04pm

I don't know if anything official has been set up, but I have Yahoo IM. My name is eatatmommys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 1:27am
Just to get into the Yahoo IM's. Mine is cheri_doll2000