Depressed Ex calls & how to handle it?
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| Fri, 05-02-2008 - 1:29am |
I was married for 2 years and was with my ex-husband for 7 total years. We met during college in our twenties. At the time we both had not grown out of the college party mode. However his drinking and mental state always seemed questionable, but at the time I loved him and to me love would conquer all. Needless to say the drinking got worse with age & he did not grow out of it as most of my guy friends did. He was arrested several times (DUI, resisting arrest, etc), attempted suicide, was mentally/emotionally and physically abusive towards me as well -destroying my self worth & other terrible actions. Eventually his pushing me away, through his actions made me find a career I loved and friends of my own to lean on. I eventually had enough and knew that if I wanted a solid relationship and a family in my 30s it could not be with him. Plus I had been hurt so bad I couldn't heal the wounds - I couldn't stand for him to touch me by the end of our marriage.
We divorced in early 07 and I moved out a few months prior to that, when we officially separated. I went on with my own life, eventually started dating a very nice guy who is stable, funny, smart and has built my self esteem back to normal. Needless to say I have moved on. I found out last fall that my ex had been fired from his career for 'behavior' and attempted suicide once again. He called me from the psych ward/hospital to bail him out ... but since I was not able to supervise him full time the nurses would not allow it. His father found out and forged what was supposed to be a permanent intervention. His dad drove many hours to the city where we both live, gathered his belongings and called a Realtor to put his house on the market & took my ex home with him. He was going to try AA again and hopefully with his family there try to get on with life.
However every once and again my ex still calls me furious with angry messages, makes threats towards me (and has stated that if i ever date anyone that he will hurt them) and mainly pleas of desperation to get me back. If I knew he was mentally stable I would just tell him point blank I have moved on and to stop. But he is delicate and the last thing I want to find out is that he hurt himself again, hurt someone else (our dog), etc b/c of my firm wording.
I still care about him as a human being but it is like a stab to the gut each time I get these messages. It upsets me and makes me feel sad for him. I am not close enough with him family to call them and don't want to be a tattle either. What should I do? I am afraid that his dad gave up on him and he came back down to where I live (and he used to) alone. He needs serious help, but I am not in the position to demand let alone suggest what he (a grown man) should do.
I thought about seeing a counselor/psychiatrist but don't want to fork out the money. Especially since my mental health is fine until i get these desperate messages from him.

Unfortunately, I think that you have to take any threats of harm to you or to him seriously & report them to the police.
Cut him no slack - go to the police and report him.
Thanks for the advice. I did actually file a restraining order against him over a year ago (temporary one) when I first moved out b/c that is when the threats were extreme and believable. He has since moved over 8 hours away and was under his father's, who i trust as a level headed man, care. Once he was out of the city and I did not get any threats from him I let the order expire & really it has more so just been pleas of desperation to get me back since then.
I found out in a round about way that he was planning a "visit" back to where I live to visit some friends I suppose. However part of me wonders if he gave up on AA & living with his dad, to attempt to move back here. Since we aren't on great terms I cannot ask him. Even if I did there is a slim chance I would get an honest answer.
Yesterday I got 2 photo txts and 2 regular ones... each time i get these my stomach just drops for fear of what I am going to find out. I would change my # but its a company phone, etc and I am the bigger person who doesn't txt back. I don't want to give him false sense of hope. The first pic yesterday was of our dog (who is living with his friend here, he wasn't able to take her) and then 2 txt's about how he needs me, how we were friends (i think he isn't able to see that we really weren't that great of friends, b/c the way he treated me is not the way one human who respects another is treated), how he can't live with out me and how he will die.
Due to his past part of me believes this is just him being dramatic and emotional, or the alcohol speaking (if he isn't clean) and part of me worries this is the beginning of another road to a suicide attempt. Like I said I don't want to mettle in this and contact his parents but at the same time I don't want to be responsible in a way.
I just need to know how to deal with him b/c its been 1 year and 2 months since the divorce was finalized and a few months short of 2 years since we separated & he is still begging. It's not constant everyday calls/emails but they don't need to happen. I feel for him but my current boyfriend and I don't need his emotional drama in our lives.
Thanks!