Desperate for Advice..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
Desperate for Advice..
5
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:44pm

Two days after my birthday, Jan 10, my husband told me he didn't want to be married to me anymore, that our relationship was just too hard for him because he felt guilty for all the bad things he had said and done to me. Three days later, I found out he wanted to end it because he'd been cheating on me with another woman. I found this out by looking at the cell phone calls on the bill. Obviously he didnt think they would appear or that I would find out. He admitted he had been with her for several months and wanted to divorce me and marry her. He was already talking about having her having his kids and everything. This came as a total shock to me. He had constantly lied and decieved me into thinking everything was okay between us and he was completely faithful to me. Even the day he ended our marriage I asked him if he was seeing anyone and he told me no. He didn't want to think of another relationship with a woman. So anyway, I am in trouble. We have been together for seven years. Two in a relationship and five married. For three years I haven't worked because I'm not the healthiest person in the world and have horrible digestion problems. He told me to stop working and that he would take care of me. All I had to do was take of the house, cook, clean, pay bills and etc. All he had to do was work. Because he was my husband I trusted him and let him take over everything. Now I regret it. I have no money, no car, we live in an apartment with the lease in both our names. He agreed to continue to pay my bills and the rent until the lease expires in May. After that I am on my own. I don't really know what to do. He's not even trying to get a divorce, doesn't even talk about it. He's leaving all that up to me, but I have no money at all and he barely has any money himself. I don't have any friends here, neither do I have family to live with. I am in a bad situation and need advice quickly.

Katherine

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 10:12pm

Hey... I'm glad that you're here... I can only imagine what this past month has been like for you... now that we are where we are, what next...

first of all, I would suggest finding an attorney for a consult... may be able to even do this over the phone... most of the time, this part doesn't cost much (if anything)... if this is not an option, then contact the legal aid office in your state, which provides legal support and representation to those who are not in the best financial positions... find out what your right are. Since you have not been working, spousal support ~may~ be an option for you--it is not awarded as much anymore, which is why it is questionable, but maybe...

Start preparing for your own future... this may mean opening a bank account of your own... perhaps getting a part time job to get your toes wet and back into the workforce, etc... its not easy to do, but the more you do now to prepare yourself, the better...

You mentioned not having family nearby... would you consider moving back in their direction? That way you could have the emotional support you need from those who love you...

Good luck and we hope to see you more... keep us posted

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 11:05pm

Thank you for replying. I will call legal aide as soon as possible. Yes I am also looking for a job, hopefully it can be full time so I can have some sort of money saved up. When I said I didn't have family, I actually meant I don't have a family to go to. My mother died of cancer when she was 21, eight months after I was born. My grandmother raised me since my father didn't want anything to do with me, but my grandmother died three years ago and the house that I lived in with her is up for sale. So, I literally do not have a home to go to. I've been thinking I'll probably have to stay in a women's shelter if he decides to leave before our lease is up.

Katherine

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 4:57pm
I totally agree with Julie. I hope that legal aide can help you. It may not be up to him to decide that you are completely on your own in May. Good Luck.
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 9:44pm

Katherine,

I'm so sorry... I did not realize that was what you meant... my thoughts are with you as that doesn't make this any easier... but at the same time, it certainly does not mean that you cannot make it work... because I know that you can!

Before going to a shelter, do find out your rights... it is crucial in a situation like yours... a shelter may even know of lawyers and other resources in your area that can help you get back on your feet...

It can be quite overwhelming if you let it... Try to remember to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, moving towards your goal...

I hope to see you here again... keep us posted!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 2:51pm

Katherine,

This is somewhat similar to my situation, but flipped. I'm 28. I've been with my husband for 6 1/2 years, 2 1/2 married. I'm the one who wants the divorce, and there hasn't been an affair. However, I'm the one who works, while my husband goes to school and takes care of all the bills, cooking, etc. I am leaving because I don't love him the same way he loves me and I'm too young to settle for someone I don't really love. He's devastated. My husband feels completely abandoned. He doesn't know where to go or what to do, since I pay for everything. I keep encouraging him to figure out where he wants to live and get started going back to school again (he dropped out when we started talking about divorce). In my case, I'm more than willing to keep supporting him and our divorce won't be a contested thing. But I do worry about him, and he is facing many of the same problems you are facing.

The bottom line for you is that you have to focus on yourself. Your husband is a dirt-bag and you don't need him. He's clearly not the right person for you. So forget about him and move on. Start simple, figure out where you want to live and what kind of work you can do. I know it will be very hard and not at all what you wanted for yourself, but this is reality, and you just have to deal with it. As for the divorce, don't worry about that. Let it be his problem. He's the one who wants to get remarried, so he can file for divorce and be responsible for that process. Once he does, you will need a lawyer because you are probably entitled to spousal support. Also, if he ends up providing more than 50% of your income, you can probably stay on his health insurance as a dependent. A lawyer is an expense you will just have to deal with, because you can't afford not to have a lawyer. Trust me on that. (I'm a lawyer)

In the meantime, just start moving on. As my dad says, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Just take things one at a time: where to live, what to do for money, etc. You'll discover that you are strong enough to handle this. Good luck.