In Desperate Need of Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2005
In Desperate Need of Advice
4
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 4:01pm

I was married for 7 years as of February 08. My H raped me in April 07 and about 2 weeks later I started hanging out with a HS friend(now BF). I stayed with H in our home and things were ok up until about August or September when I admitted to having feelings for this friend. He is an abusive man any the physical manner along with the sexual and mental manner. He started getting more possessive and more controlling. I finally had enough with the threats and abuse and I walked out on him on Thanksgiving. I moved in with my now BF, he moved in the town w*ore into our house along with his parents. He was served divorce papers on March 1st...he didn't respond until march 21st (past the given 20 days), and he never even filed an answer, he filed the same papers that I had filed. Now, I was wanting the house in the beginning but I have seen what they have done to it so I don't care about the house even though I put my heart, soul, time and money into it. Today I went to see my divorce lawyer.

So, here is where I need advice...I have a tape of a conversation between him and I where he admits to raping me. He also admitted it to our church pastor. Would you if this ere your situation...take the tape to the police and press charges for rape or let it go and just be done with the whole thing? Why would you choose that choice? I don't know what to do. We have a pre-trial conference on Monday for the divorce and everything should be finalized by that point. I am torn between just being done with this whole ordeal and him getting what he deserves.




Edited 6/24/2008 6:31 pm ET by princess_spaffy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 9:16am
I would definitely press charges against anyone who raped, especially an H. You shouldn't feel guilt about it, abusers manipulate victims that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 10:39am

How strong are you feeling for this kind of fight?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2008
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 2:14pm

I totally disagree with ctd799. Not only should you take that tape to the police, but you should also make a copy and give it to your lawyer. Yes rape cases are difficult to prove, but in your case, you have a confession on tape. I bet you could have the pastor subpoenaed (unless it was told in confidence). You may not be able to get anything for the divorce, but I bet you could in a civil case(as in pain and suffering). I would also consult another attorney (just to see what he/she has to say)because it sounds like your current isn't really working hard to get you what you need. You suffered years of abuse and it's not fair if he gets away with it. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Hugs,
Claudia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2005
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 2:50pm
Yesterday after I got home from my lawyer's office...I sat and thought about how mad I was and how frustrated that I was that H could get away with so much. There is more to it than just abuse...he is getting away with alot of fraud NOW. Anyways, I was explaining to my BF that that man took every dream I ever had away from me in those 7 years that we were married and that sweet man told me that it was that we could make dreams of our own for US. He also mentioned how David maybe getting away with all this stuff but he's not getting away with the most important thing-ME. He also told me no matter what I decide to do he will be by my side to support me. These two things weighed pretty heavy on my mind yesterday. While he was taking a nap yesterday I kind of just stared at him and wondered how I got to be so lucky to have him in my life. I went outside and enjoyed the nice day and listened to some music on my MP3 player and a few songs hit me kind of hard...I kinda of started thinking about all the crap that my poor BF has had to endure during all of this and I realized how selfish that I have been throughout all of this. Alot of this entire time I have been thinking about how all this has affected me...it's not fair to drag him through more. I love him and I don't want to put him through any more crap with MY past so for his sake I think that I am just going to sit the H down...tell him exactly what I want to say to him and tell him to never speak my name, his fam speak my name, just act as if I never existed and I am going to do the same for myself...not only for my BF but for ME. I am saying my final good-byes to my H, my marriage and that person that I turned into due to him...because I deserve and want better for myself and for the wonderful man that I am sharing my life with now and so does he.


Edited 6/24/2008 6:33 pm ET by princess_spaffy