Desperate for some help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Desperate for some help!!
2
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:01pm

Hello,

My best friend turned me on to this website and discussion board because she thought it would be helpful. I am 29 years old and in the middle of procastinating my divorce. I have been with my husband for a total of 11 years - we got together right after I graduated high school when I was 18. We were together for 9 years, married for just under 2 years. We never had the perfect relationship. I had an affair for a long time and I told him about it afterwards. He was devasted, but we managed to get through it and stay together.

I moved in with him after we got married and what I found out shocked me. He has some issues that I always new about (phone sex but always denied it) but since I was so excited about being in a relationship (because I somehow need validation from a man) and the thought of actually getting married, that I swept it under the rug and turned a blind eye. Once I moved in, his behavior was a little bit strange. Long story short, I found out that he created an online account under my identity and was sending out naked pictures of me (taken in private by him)to other men for his own pleasure. I know this sounds crazy, but its true.

I immediately went to see a divorce lawyer, but kept it inside for 4 months until one day I exploded on him. He apologized, cried profusely and promised to go for counseling. Although he cancelled the online account, the phone sex continued. He went to counseling twice and decided that it wasn't for him. He told me that it all stems back to his mother passing away when he was extremely young because he felt like she left him. And after I cheated on him he said he felt the same way towards me. After that point he never respected me again sexually.

I tried to stay with him for 8-9 months after I found everything out. I tried to talk him, I tried to threaten him, I yelled, I cried, I begged and pleaded for him to stop with the phone sex but he continued to do it (the online account was disabled immediately). He explained that it was so embarrasing for him but it was an addiction and he promised to stop over and over and over.

Then one day I couldn't take it anymore and I said I wanted a divorce. That was six months ago and I have been procrastinating ever since. I want to believe that he loves me when he tells me that, but he has done nothing to show it. He cried when I said I wanted the divorce, then it turned into rage and anger after he got the papers. But never once has he really tried, I mean tried with all his might to win me back or convince me not to do this. All he does is talk to me over IM and expect me to do everything if I want this marriage to work.

I have never ever stood on my own 2 feet - EVER. I went from a very abusive childhood to a similair relationship with my husband. The thought of actually being alone TERRIFIES me. I depend on him for everything - financially, emotionally, etc. I feel that I am going to be alone forever and that no one will want to be with me. I have no self-worth or self-esteem (people put you down long enough you start to believe them). I am in therapy myself and the first day I met with her she told me that it wouldn't be a wise decision to get back together with him, but I don't know what to do. I feel like things could get better if we both really tried, but I am scared that he will just revert back to his old ways. I get excited at the fact that I can go out with my girlfriends, whenever and wherever and not have to answer to anyone, but in the long run I feel that I am running away from my problems and they are pressuring me to make a decision that I just can't make. And if I do finalize the divorce, I'm afraid that one day I will wake up and realize what a huge mistake I made, it will be too late and I made that decision based on the advice from my friends.

HELP, PLEASE!!! Anyone with any outside advice would be so much appreciated!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 11:22pm
I dare say it doesn't sound like the guy just had a moment of weakness and now that is all behind. He has some bad habits. But it also sounds like it goes beyond bad habits. He was violating your privacy and using you via the internet pictures. That is just so unacceptable and warped. You say he dropped that, but he wouldn't drop the phone sex. I would have trouble believing the internet account wouldn't pop up again, perhaps under a different site or whatever. You must ask yourself if you have the emotional strength to deal with such problems, and even more, if you have the strength to deal with it if you find out the problem is incurable. Also ask yourself if what you are feeling for this man is truely love, or is it just dependence. Living with someone for dependence can possibly cause deep resentment for being stuck with someone you don't really like. Not good for either of you. Think it over carefully, trying to remove all of the emotion out of the thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 9:12am

dmargni,

I am so sorry to hear what you've been through. I have so many thoughts just bubbling out over this.

First, he either never forgave you for the affair (and if your relationship had been truly working for you you never would have done it), or he is using it as an excuse for his behavior.

Second, he is abusing you! This is not something you do to someone you love!

Third, you are not running away from your problems by leaving him; you're hiding from them if you stay. And you're kidding yourself if you continue to believe that things will suddenly get better if you'll just stick it out. He has no motivation to try and change anything as long as you're still there.

If you read my original post, For better or worse. . . and worse, you'll see that I've been torn up over divorcing my husband because there has been no adultery involved. But in your case. . . . I'd say he has definitely been sexually unfaithful to you with the phone sex, and especially the photos. I don't know if you're religious or not--and please don't be offended if you aren't; I don't mean to upset anybody--but biblically speaking, I'd say that's definitely grounds for divorce.

As for waking up one day and realizing you made a huge mistake. . . . Honey, if it is truly a mistake, then he will think so too and make whatever changes are necessary to win you back! If he doesn't, and just goes on his merry way without you, then you can be sure it wasn't a mistake and you never would have been happy staying with him!

You don't mention children, so I assume you don't have any, but consider this: If you did stay with him, and in the future children became part of the picture, what kind of environment would you be bringing them into? Certainly not a healthy one, and what kind of example would they see to model their future relationships on?

You're right; you've never had to stand on your own two feet. Try to think of it not as something scary, but an exciting new adventure and a journey into freedom! It won't be easy, but you will survive!

I'm glad to know you're in therapy. Please don't quit going; you are going to need it for a while. Ask her if she thinks you could benefit from antidepressent/anti-anxiety meds and/or mood stabilizers for a while, and if she can recommend a good physician who can help you. I'm not a big fan of staying on medications, but I have personally benefitted from them. Keeping my emotions under control has helped me think more clearly about the decisions I'm making and be more rational, rather than acting on emotional impulses.

Finally, lean on your friends! Talk to the ones who are encouraging you to leave him and let them know that you're going to need them more than ever. Don't be afraid to call them when you need them. If they are truly your friends, they will be there for you. If they drop you during your hard times, then they never were your friends to begin with. (That's something I've learned from my ordeal)

Keep your head up, and please, please take care of yourself. I'll be anxious to hear how it goes.

Hugs,
jujud