Desperately in need of guidance..?'S

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Desperately in need of guidance..?'S
4
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 11:21pm

My

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 10:55pm

Hi Lina.... it sounds like you've already thought of many of the important details.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 9:11am

Oh, honey, I am SO sorry.

I could have written your post with a few differences (my stbx has some psychological challenges). It is gut wrenching even if you aren't too far off the same page with regard to the divorce (like me). If you don't have a counselor, please get one along with a good attorney.

Some thoughts -- ask to stay on his health insurance plan until you have a job with your own insurance. This may delay a formal divorce, but you can draw up a separation agreement that is virtually as good as a divorce and finalize the divorce when you have insurance. Of course, he should keep your dd on his health insurance.

As for his moving away and essentially abandoning his dd. Well, I think not loving your own child is a sign of pretty profound psycho-social disfunction. He needs help. And you are right, it will be might tough on your dd. How involved is he now as a parent, btw?

You might want to have joint meetings with a child psychologist who is an expert in divorce. We did that in order to prepare our parenting plan. My stbx learned a lot from a tremendously talented and expert person. Everything she predicted has come to pass. My stbx is doing a much better job at co-parenting than he would have because the psychologist laid it on the line for him.

Here's how I cope with the pain: meditate, seek out friends, see counselor, and like you -- make a check list of what I have to do to take care of myself (practical stuff) and do it. You and I both have the challenge of re-entering the job market which is tremendous added stress. Btw, see how much spousal support your state recommends (Based on income and length of marriage) -- you should be able to count on spousal support for a period of time as well as child support (he is gonna be surprised what this divorce is gonna cost him) as you get yourself on your feet and back to work. It won't be enough, but you should get the maximum possible to care for yourself and your child.

Ok, gotta get some work done.

Stick around the board!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 4:35pm

Make sure you also have it put in your paperwork, that you do NOT need his permission or the courts to move out of state with your child! Otherwise, this is becoming standard practice regardless of whether or not they are an active parent. Ask for the maximum amount of CS, since you do not believe you will be getting any physical/emotional help in raising this child. No money doesn't cure a darn thing, but it will pay for a therapist should there be a need down the road. Ask that he pays 50% of her College tution. Ask for things that do not apply right now, so that you don't have to LATER, when maybe you can't find him, or he isn't willing to compromise. I would not make it easy on him, but don't go overboard with demands, just ask for what you want/need NOW and in the future. Just don't be afraid to ASK for whatever it is you need within reason. Better to settle it right now, then to keep at it until DD is 21yrs old!!




Rachel


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 8:30am

Nicola,


Don't trade your car; sell it outright. Pay off your note and split the difference on a used car. Check with rental car agencies to see what they have for sale. You can buy a great car with under 30,000 miles for alot less than a dealer.


Second, get yourself to counseling or a support group. Your own childhood issues are welling up here regarding your daughter. Too bad your husband didn't want his child, but you do. Make sure she knows that and doesn't have to deal with her father's inability to love her.


Third, you do need to speak with a lawyer. Make

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