Detachment Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Detachment Issues
3
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 3:47pm

How do you cut the final cord? He wants to be friends so he wont go away. LOL I am no longer angry but I do know the marriage is over. We have been very best friends for 12 freaking years, I dont know how to not be friends with him. He can only see the kids here and, I wont say no to him seeing the kids. He is still not seeing anyone else. I wish he would so I could be hurt/angry and tell him to go f$%* off. He comes over to see the kids. We watch movies, go shopping, out to dinner. I know he partially left because I was unhappy as well. We got married young, I really like him not living here and us hanging around with each other. Works good for me. I love the feeling of being able to send him home. When I am a raging nut, once in awhile mind you... LOL We get mad we dont talk for a bit and everything is fine. I feel like he is just here until he finds someone else but I wish he would. He is being a wonderful part time husband and it makes it very easy to fall into the old pattern of doing things.. Yes you know what I am talking about.

We separated in 01/04 and saw other people but he can back from Iraq in 01/05 we were together all the time. He moved back in in May, but then out again in December. It seems neither one of us can just say Good bye. He told me he did not love me, but he kisses me and is affectionate towards me. I dont think a marriage will work between us because of all the hurt feelings. I know I need time to let go of all the hurt as does he. What we have is strong and mutual but dont think either one of us can figure it out. I think we both got bored with being married if that makes sense. I dont want to lose him but cuddling by yourself is not much fun. I know I cant move on while we are still connected this way. I want to be happy. I am happy now but I wish I could have a guarantee that we can live apart but be together. We put each other before any other person we have spent time with.

We have talked about filing for a legal separation for almost 3 years but neither one of us has. I plan to but the lawyers are freaking expensive. I dont feel I should have to ask for money so he is going to have a fair amount sent to my bank account every month. I got an apartment and will be moving in the second week of Feb. so our family home will be no more. I know he still cares for me a great deal. I am the one he shares everything with. I think just the dynamics of being married are hard, there is that feeling of weight. It could just be responsibility to make the other happy, maybe. We dont have that now. Now let me finish by saying I have never been on Jerry Springer and I am not a freak... Just curious as to what others think of this lovely mess. Please dont make me cry I know it is a bit not normal. Either you are married or you arent right?

P.S. Thank you for your time..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 4:35pm

frenchberg...

Pianoguy's only suggestion is this.

If you've taken the steps to move into your own place...GO FORWARD WITH YOUR PLANS! You also need to ask yourself if a legal separation is a better idea than a divorce?

In either case, your relationship will probably be strained and a little awkward for your children as well as your (ALMOST) EX! But the process ISN'T IMPOSSIBLE! Maybe you need to write down a few ground rules when it comes to property, visits, and other stuff?

A separation or divorce is a BUSINESS TRANSACTION.

Sorry if this sounds a little cold to ivillagers reading this, but here's something to remember. Your marriage didn't work! The reasons can vary, but overall you weren't happy! So you have to approach this transaction LIKE AN ADULT! Get the terms down on paper and be very clear that they're what YOU want. Your husband might have other thoughts, but this is the reason there are professionals out there to help.

If each of you can "talk together calmly and work things out in advance"---the charges for professional legal advice shouldn't be too bad!

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 4:56pm

Thank you so much for your response:)

I totally agree about the legal separtion being a business choice. It is totally a 100% business transaction to me. Not cold at all. However with the amount of money he will be giving me monthly I will be ok finacially. He even gave me our full tax refund, so I have money to move. The kids will be taken care of and I will even be able to save some money every month. If he chooses not to give me anything, my income will cover day care and rent. I can call the Captain in his unit and he will be in deep doo-doo because he has a responsibility to take care of his dependants.

I am torn between the idea of a legal separation versus divorce. Because he is in the Army it changes things. The Army does not recognize legal separations. So in the eyes of the Army we are still married. Meaning to me, I keep all of my benefits. Full medical is the big one. I can get medical through my work but it will cost me. This will cut into the money I will be able to save. Also I am about 3600 miles from family. If we stay "married" the Army will pay for a move anytime he changes duty stations. Once I save enough for any sort of emergency I will then start the "Lawyer Fund."

Thank you for your two cents... I know you are right but it is so hard to let the friendship go.. It is one of the few things we did right. No one believes we are getting divorced because we are such good friends and get along great for the most part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 7:52pm

Hi there... you'll have to evaluate whether it's better to divorce now, or just separate.... but the stress between you and your STBX likely won't lighten up until after you are officially divorced.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~