Did he know the seperation papers?
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| Tue, 01-30-2007 - 8:19am |
~Did your H know that you filed seperation papers and that he'd be getting served or did they just come to him?
~For months every fight I've told him that I cant do this anymore, that I want a D. I've had the papers ready for months now but didn't want to sign them until I was able to tell him they were on the way...however, I'm so scared of his verbal attacks anymore that I haven't told him still.
~Yesterday, I just got it in my head to do it or I will have wasted yet another year like the past 2 years, so I went in and signed and they will start the process next week.
So I'm wondering for those who didn't know and they were still living under the same roof...how did things pan out. I still am going to try to tell him they are coming out of respect but out of fear of his angry outbursts, I'll be surprised if I actually am able to do it.
Thanks for the input

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(((((hugs)))))
I wish I knew the magical answer. I'm heading to see my attorney this afternoon and it's possible I'll be filing the papers. I'm not sure when they will be served. I'm dreading it too because he's coming for the kids on Friday. I don't need him being in a bad mood on his weekend with the kids. On the other hand, I can't wait for him to "be ready." He'll never be ready. I'm hoping that at best, they serve him early next week. That way he has two weeks to cool down before his next weekend with the kids.
I considered telling him to expect them, but he does know my intentions. It shouldn't be a surprise. Then again, I don't even know if I'll file tonight. But I don't want to waste an hour's worth of attorney's fees and not file!
Hi there!!
My divorce was finalized last week. However, I filed over 13 years ago, and was in this same situation!
Living under the same roof, with at that time 3 young boys, was extremely hard. I too was afraid of his verbal outbursts, the mental abuse, etc. It got so bad, that I saw the damage that was being done to my boys, and finally told him to get out.
A suggestion here? Talk to your atty about the situation, and see what they recommend. If it's not possible for one of you to leave, due to finances or whatever, they may have some ideas. Taking the verbal abuse adds so much stress to an already stressful situation.
The one thing that I can tell you, from personal experience then and now, is to be strong. I know that sounds harder to do than say, but it's the truth. The decision to sign those initial papers, and have them served is a tough one. But it sounds as though you are at the point of no return. You have to make the decision, whether to move forward, or not.
Do you want to spend more time, the rest of your life in this relationship? Do you deserve to be happy, healthy and potentially in a relationship where you are respected and cherished? Please don't feel as though you have to answer these questions, they are just to get to thinking, not that you're already not doing that enough!!
Since I've been on this board, and it hasn't been very long, I've received so much help, support and opinions. I know that you'll get the same. The cl's here are terrific!!
I hope that on top of ivillage, that you have a good support system in place. That will help!!
Take care of yourself,
Laurene
"Do you want to spend more time, the rest of your life in this relationship? Do you deserve to be happy, healthy and potentially in a relationship where you are respected and cherished?"
These are great questions for people who know they need to move forward but are afraid. I was so afraid for so long. Now it's time to move forward. It's actually past time to move forward. I wish it wasn't so painful, but think about it... my pain is the guilt over hurting someone who never really cared when he hurt me. I deserved what I got from him. Even his lovely mother said that while his treatment of me may have been harsh, it was often caused by something I had done wrong.
Um... Hello!!! I'm sorry, it just makes me angry when verbal abusers and their FAMILIES continue to justify their behavior by blaming their victim. Even after I left... in an attempt to win me back... I'm STILL being blamed. (sigh) Makes no sense. And I'm being called the crazy one.
Oops... I vented. LOL!
Pr,
Boy, can I relate!! I'm in the same boat, right there with ya!!
I don't understand it either. I guess the only idea that I have is that these families were raised this way. They see it as what you have to take in a marriage. I don't agree at all!!
My x is a manipulative man. He's swayed my 4 boys against me, and even at one point told me that "emotional scars don't show". Well, he learned differently! I just couldn't take it anymore. I do deserve to be happy, so do you!!
All of the people who I "thought" were my friends, have walked away. The x is just bashing me to anyone who will listen. Before I left, he even went as far as to say that "no one will believe you. I'm such a great guy, just ask anyone!" Yeah, right!!lol
The one thing that I learned early on in my marriage, was that no one, and I mean no one, not even your children, know what goes on 100% of the time after that door closes. I don't judge other people's relationships anymore, because I know that I'm only seeing such a small portion of their lives, that I just cannot understand what they are going through. I'm really trying to give others what I want from them.
Being thought of as the "crazy one" just frustrates me too!! I know what I know. I've been told by many people that my memory is dead on. I can remember things that are so small in detail, and to be told that my memories of my marriage and life are now the "wrong ones"? UGH!! I don't lie, I don't open my mouth w/o knowing that at some point I will have to stand up for what I've said. I have no problem taking responsibility for my part in messing my marriage up. My x on the other hand? His biggest issue is that he blames everyone else for his problems. He won't take on his part in messing our marriage up, and still thinks that his "love" for me is the right way to love someone. Stupid, just stupid!!
Don't even worry about the venting there!! That's what we're all here for!!
Laurene
My soon to be ex had no idea that he was going to be served papers. My lawyer & I planned a way to do it when neither I or my 2 boys would be home, as we didn't want to have them witness their dad's reaction. Thus the papers were served on him the day before Thanksgiving, as the boys & I were heading out of town to spend the holiday with my family. I turned my cell phone off so that I would not have to deal with him. Turns out he didn't even call. When I did finally talk to him, I initiated the call as I couldn't stand it any longer, he said he got the papers and that he was going to do it,too. He would never have made a decision to change his living situation, as he was able to have his cake & eat it,too.
Go for it. Get out of a bad situation. For 14 years I heard I was the crazy one, but after counseling for myself, I reconfirmed that I am not the crazy one. He is!
I am still in the anger stage,he just moved out on 12/29,and the only thing I can say that is better in our life right now is that the tension in the house is finally gone. My boys (age 9 & 12) are much better behaved and life is easier. I don't really think it is better at this stage, but it will get there eventually.
I'm glad that the tension is easing on all of you. That takes such a toll on the kids!!
As for it getting better, it does!! I promise!! I won't tell you that it gets "easier", because you know facing being a single parent isn't easy, but having that stress off of you allows you to face the rest of things with at least a clearer head!!
I hope that you're divorce goes quickly for you, and w/o many hurdles!!
Take care,
Laurene
I told mine they were coming.... by then we'd already had that "I'm not happy... and if I'm not happy, then you can't be happy." talk.
I gave my then-STBX a choice.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
P;
Been there, done that too!!
It sounds as though you have one of the most important things in place already . . . a good, positive attitude. Knowing that you face a long, hard road ahead, and being able to see that, and know that you have to do it, no matter what, is so important!!
Just remember that I'm here, all of us on the board are here should you need us!!
Laurene
I have to go away this weekend, meet w/ Lwyr again next week to talk, which I'm nervous about, then papers will be on their way, I am fighting back the urge to call right now and just tell them to hold them again...I am pertrified of hearing anymore bashing he has to do on me, (Your destroying our family, ruining the kids lives, your a quitter, blah blah blah.). ARGHHHH
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