Did you know in your heart.....
Find a Conversation
Did you know in your heart.....
| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 7:40am |
When you married your ex/STBX, did you know deep down you shouldn't be doing it? I knew it was the wrong choice, even at the time, but I foolishly went along with it anyway.
We got married when I was 24. Our son was already three years old. Our relationship had always been rocky and volatile. He had even carried on with a coworker while I was pregnant, and I decided to "forgive" him for it...but I was never actually able to forgive him.

Pages
For me, I felt 100% confident that we'd grow old together. We had a large wedding (200+) people at a mansion that we rented out in a very chi chi north shore suburb of Chicago. It was lovely. I was only 21 at the time though and was already rooting my now ex on and I was putting him through school at the time, an arrangment that seemed perfect at the time. Looking back, I was clueless and it's a bit sad. I thought he loved me and I thought we'd have a perfect life together.
Melanie
In my case, I never thought about the marriage ending. I thought we'd grow old together, and up until about a year before the separation, I assumed that all marriages were like mine. I put XH through graduate school, followed him to the west coast for a post-doc, then moved here to NC site-unseen for his first job. I did this all willingly, but never did make it to graduate school myself (no huge regrets there, just an observation). When we stopped talking, I assumed it was pressure from our jobs and the kids and life in general and that we'd have our time when the kids were older.
My best friend has a story like yours. The night before his wedding, his fiance looked at him and said, "Well, if it doesn't work out, at least we can say we tried." He probably should have run screaming!
I doubt anyone gets married thinking they'll get divorced. Thinking it'll be hard but you'll make it through is different!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
I think I knew deep down that something was 'off'. I had pretty bad cold feet the day of the wedding. He didn't seem nervous at all. I explained it to myself as just nervousness related to worrying about 'was everything taken care of? Had I forgotten anything?' I did most of the planning by myself - it wasn't a large wedding - about 75 people, but it still took a lot of planning.
Now I think my subconscious had picked up on things and somewhere deep down, I knew the marriage wasn't going to be successful. On the surface, I had only a few red flags and those were mostly indications of his selfishness and his lack of ability to be emotionally close - which I guess I thought if I loved him enough, somehow love would 'fix things'. He'd only been verbally abusive two or three times. At the time, I couldn't think of any really good, solid reasons to not go through with it - so I did.
No one gets married to get divorced...I know I sincerely hoped that things would work out and that I was right - I had a nice guy that was going to treat me well. I had fallen pretty hard for him and part of me still cares about him to this day. At the time, it seemed like everybody was telling me what a nice guy I had....I couldn't figure out where my uncertainty about him and the relationship was coming from. I wanted very much to believe that I had gotten lucky and finally found a good guy I could be with for the rest of my life - so I discounted my gut feelings.
Sometimes I wish I'd listened to my gut - but then I wouldn't have my truly amazing ds!
We were high school sweethearts, and at 18.... I thought we knew it all (hindsight is lovely).
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
The night before my wedding (I was 7 months pregnant), me and my ex had a HUGE blowout fight. To the point where my dad, here from Florida and paid for the wedding, said "you know Deb, it's not to late to cancel this". I thought "yea, I should....but how embarassing that would be--to cancel the wedding the night before when I'm 7 months pregnant". Ohhhh if I only knew then what I know now. I knew at that time that we would never "live happily ever after". This wasn't our only or first fight....
Are you having a bad hair day? (hence, the hat!).... hence, this is why I rarely post anywhere else--because it's too much dang trouble to close every window, clean out the cookies--and really, who wants to do that-- I LOVE COOKIES, especially chocolate ones!--every time ya need to take the ole hat off.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
With my first h, I was 17yo when I married him. YES!!! I knew that it was wrong at the time. However, I was in an abusive home. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was definitely looking for a way out of living there with my step-father who was physically abusive and molesting me all the time. Little did I know I was getting into a marriage that was physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive. And there I stayed for 20 years. And, gee, he was amazed when I finally stood up to him! But I got out!!
My second and current dh, no, I never felt that it was wrong. I felt that it was the right thing to do with no exceptions what-so-ever. Now, I found out in Oct. that he cheated on me, something that was the furthest thing in my mind that he would EVER do when we got married. >sob< We are still trying to rebuild, though.
I guess you could say I went through with my wedding although I had my doubts.
Hugs~ Lexi
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown
great question!
i got married the first time when i was 21. i was very much in love (well, to be honest i was very much 'in lust'...) and i pictured us growing old together blah blah blah. but- i must admit that it was a very immature 'picture' of marriage. i just thought/believed that 'love conquers all'. there were a lot of red flags before the wedding that i just ignored. there was one moment that i thought of NOT marrying him, but i just ignored that thought. and of course - those very red flags came back to bite me ----big time!
the second time i got married - i did think, walking down the aisle, that 'something' was wrong and maybe i am making a mistake. this time, i was at a different 'place ' in life, and i thought that if i followied the 'rules' of marriage (a la extreme orthodox jewish rules) then all would be well. and maybe it would be ok ---- IF i married a 'normal' guy.
Pages