Did you know in your heart.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Did you know in your heart.....
13
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 7:40am

When you married your ex/STBX, did you know deep down you shouldn't be doing it? I knew it was the wrong choice, even at the time, but I foolishly went along with it anyway.


We got married when I was 24. Our son was already three years old. Our relationship had always been rocky and volatile. He had even carried on with a coworker while I was pregnant, and I decided to "forgive" him for it...but I was never actually able to forgive him.

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Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 8:44am

For me, I felt 100% confident that we'd grow old together. We had a large wedding (200+) people at a mansion that we rented out in a very chi chi north shore suburb of Chicago. It was lovely. I was only 21 at the time though and was already rooting my now ex on and I was putting him through school at the time, an arrangment that seemed perfect at the time. Looking back, I was clueless and it's a bit sad. I thought he loved me and I thought we'd have a perfect life together.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 9:14am

In my case, I never thought about the marriage ending. I thought we'd grow old together, and up until about a year before the separation, I assumed that all marriages were like mine. I put XH through graduate school, followed him to the west coast for a post-doc, then moved here to NC site-unseen for his first job. I did this all willingly, but never did make it to graduate school myself (no huge regrets there, just an observation). When we stopped talking, I assumed it was pressure from our jobs and the kids and life in general and that we'd have our time when the kids were older.

My best friend has a story like yours. The night before his wedding, his fiance looked at him and said, "Well, if it doesn't work out, at least we can say we tried." He probably should have run screaming!

I doubt anyone gets married thinking they'll get divorced. Thinking it'll be hard but you'll make it through is different!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:22pm

I think I knew deep down that something was 'off'. I had pretty bad cold feet the day of the wedding. He didn't seem nervous at all. I explained it to myself as just nervousness related to worrying about 'was everything taken care of? Had I forgotten anything?' I did most of the planning by myself - it wasn't a large wedding - about 75 people, but it still took a lot of planning.

Now I think my subconscious had picked up on things and somewhere deep down, I knew the marriage wasn't going to be successful. On the surface, I had only a few red flags and those were mostly indications of his selfishness and his lack of ability to be emotionally close - which I guess I thought if I loved him enough, somehow love would 'fix things'. He'd only been verbally abusive two or three times. At the time, I couldn't think of any really good, solid reasons to not go through with it - so I did.

No one gets married to get divorced...I know I sincerely hoped that things would work out and that I was right - I had a nice guy that was going to treat me well. I had fallen pretty hard for him and part of me still cares about him to this day. At the time, it seemed like everybody was telling me what a nice guy I had....I couldn't figure out where my uncertainty about him and the relationship was coming from. I wanted very much to believe that I had gotten lucky and finally found a good guy I could be with for the rest of my life - so I discounted my gut feelings.

Sometimes I wish I'd listened to my gut - but then I wouldn't have my truly amazing ds!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:14pm

We were high school sweethearts, and at 18.... I thought we knew it all (hindsight is lovely).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 4:47pm

The night before my wedding (I was 7 months pregnant), me and my ex had a HUGE blowout fight. To the point where my dad, here from Florida and paid for the wedding, said "you know Deb, it's not to late to cancel this". I thought "yea, I should....but how embarassing that would be--to cancel the wedding the night before when I'm 7 months pregnant". Ohhhh if I only knew then what I know now. I knew at that time that we would never "live happily ever after". This wasn't our only or first fight....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 5:42pm

Are you having a bad hair day? (hence, the hat!).... hence, this is why I rarely post anywhere else--because it's too much dang trouble to close every window, clean out the cookies--and really, who wants to do that-- I LOVE COOKIES, especially chocolate ones!--every time ya need to take the ole hat off.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 6:11pm

With my first h, I was 17yo when I married him. YES!!! I knew that it was wrong at the time. However, I was in an abusive home. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was definitely looking for a way out of living there with my step-father who was physically abusive and molesting me all the time. Little did I know I was getting into a marriage that was physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive. And there I stayed for 20 years. And, gee, he was amazed when I finally stood up to him! But I got out!!

My second and current dh, no, I never felt that it was wrong. I felt that it was the right thing to do with no exceptions what-so-ever. Now, I found out in Oct. that he cheated on me, something that was the furthest thing in my mind that he would EVER do when we got married. >sob< We are still trying to rebuild, though.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 8:47pm

I guess you could say I went through with my wedding although I had my doubts.

Hugs~ Lexi

"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 11:55pm
Oh my, yes, I did know in my heart of hearts. The wedding was so much a disaster for me that I never wanted to see any wedding photos because it made my stomach churn, even immediately after the wedding. There were never any photos from it displayed in the house. I had actually came close to calling the dang thing off when I found out about the hooker some month or two before it. Embarrassment on telling everyone the wedding is off is precisely the reason I went through with it. I was the only one planning it, he took no part. Neither did any of his family. Neither did my family for that matter. I was in tears just before I walked down the isle. That was because I was left to decorate the church by myself - at the same time I was supposed to be putting on the wedding gown. When the service was over, I found myself in a room alone with him for a few minutes. I felt so uncomfortable with him. He was crying by the way. Crying because he was apparently happy, or crying because he couldn't believe he actually suckered some girl to marry him. Anyway, the reception was equally horrible. The caterers (I had organized) had thankfully handled everything. But the moment I stepped out of the car I was greated by his already seriously drunk mother and aunt, yelling obscienities at me. They told the whole group of some 40 people that I was a complete "b!t@$" (if I may use her exact words) because the dining area of the reception hall was non-smoking and they wanted to smoke. I sat at the head table never saying a word that night. I looked a bit petrified and friends said later that it was clear the whole evening I was next to tears. The insults against me (involving mostly 4 letter words and crude language) from his drunk family continued within earshot of my family who thankfully did not make a scene. But at one point my kind hearted brother had to step outside to cool off and avoid a fight. To make matters worse, that great guy I had just made the plunge with happily ignored all they said, happily ignored the tears in my eyes, and when it was over said he wanted to go out with his friends now. Then the tears really started and he kind of resentfully stayed with me. I guess he felt I was already reigning him in and it was only the first night. I hate to say it, but the honeymoon was no better and there were no romatic or intimate relations between us for probably more than a month. Well, actually never, because romantic was never his style. But the honeymoon which I had organized for a whopping 800 dollars was critisized by him for being over indulgent. We went to cancun, which he used the opportunity to spend most evenings going out to look for, well, I suppose drugs but I desperately tried to close my eyes to it. A hurricane came along 2 days into the 7 day trip and I look back and am disgusted with how terrified he became. I was the one who continually reassured him and showed him what to do since I was carefully listening to the hotel staff while he was running around in panic. He was so nervous that he started drinking. He was an alcoholic. The night of the hurricane they put the lights out and only had candles and flashlights for us. I went upstairs with the flashlight to the room to get something. When I came downstairs he was in deep conversation with some very pretty young girl. I decided to join the conversation, but it he was kind of irritated that I was bothering them. Feeling tremendously hurt, but as always keeping it to myself, I scooted away and sat by myself the entire evening. Ok, there were two Mexican guys drinking beers and joking sitting on the hotel steps a few feet away. But there I sat until I decided to go upstairs to bed. The remaining trip he spent looking for this girl each morning and asking her to join us here or there. I politely said ok, though it hurt. Another memory I didn't want to preserve in photos.... But I did learn several lessons.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 5:10am

great question!

i got married the first time when i was 21. i was very much in love (well, to be honest i was very much 'in lust'...) and i pictured us growing old together blah blah blah. but- i must admit that it was a very immature 'picture' of marriage. i just thought/believed that 'love conquers all'. there were a lot of red flags before the wedding that i just ignored. there was one moment that i thought of NOT marrying him, but i just ignored that thought. and of course - those very red flags came back to bite me ----big time!

the second time i got married - i did think, walking down the aisle, that 'something' was wrong and maybe i am making a mistake. this time, i was at a different 'place ' in life, and i thought that if i followied the 'rules' of marriage (a la extreme orthodox jewish rules) then all would be well. and maybe it would be ok ---- IF i married a 'normal' guy.

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