Did you view yourself differently?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Did you view yourself differently?
7
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 6:24pm

Did anyone else view themselves differently during their marriage? I always thought I was this complete loose cannnon - angry, crazy, hostile, negative, bitchy etc. When I tell other people I think that's how I am, they look at me like I'm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 6:44pm

Yup....I'm now in therapy because of it.

Hugs~ Lexi

"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 6:59pm

I think we tend to act differently depending on who we are with. I also think if there are major problems in a relationship with another person, it may tend to bring out some pretty negative emotions and qualities from both persons - and it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship!

Looking back - I can see that I was in a relatively happy place before I starting dating my ex. The first few years with him were pretty good and he told me nice things about myself. As time went on, then he started to get more and more critical. Things got really bad one day when he really let me have it about so many things he didn't like about me. I know that during that time, I was looking for way too much validation of my self worth from him...so anytime he'd criticize me, I'd believe it - anytime he said he didn't like something about me, I'd let that mean that I wasn't worth much.

So for quite some time, I was walking around thinking I was a horrible person. "I was too fearful. I wasn't very much fun. I wasn't romantic enough." The list went on.... By the time I said I wanted a divorce, I was so scared that I couldn't take care of myself or my son - I really lacked self-esteem and I didn't feel that I had much worth. I think at the time I made that decision to leave, even though I didn't have much self-esteem, I still knew somewhere deep inside that I did not want to live with someone who appeared to be an addict and was refusing to get help. Not sure where that came from, but I am so glad I left!

Since then, I have been slowly revising my ideas of who I am and working on my self-esteem. I am gradually seeing that I can take care of myself and my son. That, yes, I may have some fears from time to time, but if I decide to tackle things anyway, I can do them! It's definitely a work in progress. I do think my view of myself back then was definitely skewed - and not in a positive way! I do not think I am ever going to be the way I was pre-marriage, thank goodness, because I think I am stronger now and have a healthier view of myself!

I think I am finally beginning to believe that although I may have had a hand in what went wrong, it wasn't all my fault and I know that I was not a 'broken' person that the ex couldn't have a relationship with - a lot of the problems were also due to him.

For a long time, I used to think 'what did I do to deserve this'. Now I am starting to feel thankful that I've had an opportunity for some huge growth.

Avatar for cmckinn
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 8:14am

Yes! I did and I still do. I feel I am totally a different person with him than without him and I don't know why. We were married when I was pretty young. Back then I was a very shy and reserved person. As I've gotten older, I've become much less shy and reserved. I do many things on my own that I wouldn't have done back then. I still feel the same quiet shy person with him, in some ways. When I tell him that I don't feel myself with him, he gets very upset, but there's something about him that is making me this way. This is one of the (many!) reasons I want out of our marriage.

Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2006
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 8:58am

absolutly!
when i met my ex, i was a very social person, had good self esteem, an outgoing personality....i knew myself!
12 years with him changed me into someone i didnt want to be.
i was told i was crazy, wrong, that i was worthless, and called every name in the book if i didnt agree with him.
when i woke up one day realizing that i didnt like me anymore, i knew it was time to change.
he never could except that......he knew what i was like, he 'fell in love' with the person i use to be....or i though he did....so why did he not want that person around?
the answer was soooo simple...he couldnt controll that person.....he couldnt walk all over her. realizing this made it easy to get out and move on.
i finally have myself back.....and a man who appreciated every quirk that is me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 10:36am

First Huge Hugs Cl...

Now please...take the time to read this book by Patricia Evans: Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and Recovery. You are a strong woman, and your kindness really shows in your posts here...do not confuse passion with anger and above all ----Trust your feelings and your intuition about who you really are, as well as depending on trusted others who know you...get rid of 'his' warped image of you...thats just one of 'his' toxic recordings hon.

Peace, Annah

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 11:08am
Hey CL. I think after all those years of being TOLD that, you started to believe it. Not necessarily live it, but believe it. It's called manipulation and brain washing. Looking back on it in heinsight now, don't you realize that what he was saying to you just simply wasn't true? Yeah - I'm sure you had some pretty rough days, i.e. periods, kids driving you nuts, your HUSBAND driving you nuts, maybe family and friends, co-workers get under you skin and yeah - that is a perfect mixture for a BAD DAY. You're human. You are entitled to have them. Your husband was very wrong and foolish to manipulate you like that. Just from your thread, it is very obvious that you've come to realize that all that nonsense he pounded into your head is not true. Look back at the way it was when you were with him: now look at you today. What's better? Remember that. Take care. Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 11:24am

Wow!! This is a loaded question!!

I honestly don't know what to say about this. When I think back, it just all seems unhealthly. I didn't have my own identity. I was so and so's wife or mother.
I know that is why I had/have with this divorce. Some days are good, some days are bad.
At least recently the good days have outnumbered the bad days.
I could go on and on. But a great insightful question.

abi