Did your worst fear come true?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Did your worst fear come true?
7
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 10:23pm

I know when I first filed for divorce, I had SO many fears! My worst fear was that I would end up living in some dangerous neighborhood with DS, because we'd never be able to afford a decent rental. I used to run around crying, "I'm going to end up living

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:33pm

GREAT question!


FEAR:


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 9:12am

Biggest fear. Huh. I don't know that I had a biggest fear. I was scared of everything. I was afraid I couldn't survive without his money. I was afraid he would use his money to take my children fulltime (He threatened to do this.) I was afraid I would die of the lonliness.

Guess What! None of the above came true. I am suriviving financially. I have my children > 50% of the time. I am finding I have good friends where I didn't even know they existed.

Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:18am

I also had lots of fears. That's what kept me longer in the marriage despite the misery. I was paralyzed by fear. I knew I HAD to get away or go insane, but FEAR kept me there way too long.

Fear #1, He would get full custody and turn the kids against me. He tried, desperately, but it didn't work. I have to "share" my kids with him and they are exposed to his verbal assaults, but he wasn't able to succeed with his PAS attempts. My kids are too smart.

Fear #2, I was afraid he was right that I wouldn't be able to support myself after being a SAHM for so long. Fortunately he was wrong. I do rather well, even though it will be a long time before I financially recover from the financial devastation of of the legal costs of the custody suit. My budget's tight and he outearns me by about $100,000, but we live in a decent home in a decent neighborhood and have food, clothing and most of our wants.

Fear #3, Fear about emotional hurt for the kids. They HAVE been hurt, but more from his actions over the custody fight and his treatment of them after the D. But most of that was beyond my control and I do what I can to help them heal. Of course, I think they also were hurt by having a miserable mother before the D.

There are many others, but for the most part, they haven't come true. I do not regret the divorce one little bit.

Momsacupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:42am

I feared he would somehow get me out of the house and keep me from my children. I was also afraid he would "get in my head" with his manipulation. He is alaraming great about turning the arguement into how it was my fault I feared he would convince me that it was my fault not his that he was having an affair. But I got a therapist 2 days after I discoverd his affair and my therpaist immediatly helped me help myself and keep my wits about me. I got on an anxiety drug that really helped me get into my feelings face them and be able to converse with my stbx wihtout being a complete raving passive agressive mess. My stbx didn't know how to react when I didn't accept any of the blame or take the bait. I am still able to do this and it drives him crazy.

I have a legal seperation with disssolution papers filed which state I have the children in full physical and joint legal custody, I bought my own home and moved out of the marital home, I get a good child support check biweekly that is garnished from his wages. It's one day at a time still but I am getting better all the time and stronger. I have my therpist still and group therapy (CoDA)once a week and learning to "deal" with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 11:01am
My worst fear and it was so irrational was that nobody was ever going to love me again. So stupid now that I look back on it but after counseling I realized it was dumb.
Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 11:23am

My biggest fear was that my DD (7) was going to blame DS (2) for our divorce. She was just getting used to having a sibling and then we had to tell her that she and her brother were going to have two homes instead of one.

Not only did she not blame her baby brother for this other big change in her life , but I believe that the two of them have and will continue to have a much closer relationship than they would have had if their Daddy and I stayed together.

Between our two careers and STBX prefering to spend time with GF than with me, we had fallen into the routine of each of us caring for one child at a time and we were not doing anything together as a family. I do make a point to have some one-on-one time with each child, but I generally feel more like I'm part of a family now than I did before the separation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 12:22pm

I love when you do these, it's very cleansing for the soul.

Fear #1: That I would be ALONE FOREVER and NO ONE would ever love me again.

Realilty: Though I may be alone now its not because no one will love me it's by choice. I dont want just anybody in me and my son's life. So I will wait as long as I need to. For God to send me the right one. If he wants to be a yo-yo with all these different women that's his business.

Fear#2: That ex was going to be this Knight In Shining Armour to the new gf, or should I say gf's. That he would treat them 100x better than he did me.

Reality: Just as a leopard cant change it's spots, Ex hasnt changed either. Will he ever? Who the heck cares.

Fear #3: That I couldnt make it on my own! That I needed ex to survive emotionally and financially.

Reality: I am making it without ex. I didnt need him to survive. On a whole I am happier without him. Is it hard financially, yes. But Im so proud of the fact that I accomplished something my ex NEVER thought I could and neither did I. I was able to at least for the last two years manage to stay living in the apt we had together. When we first broke up he told my mom that I wont be able to stay living there without him, if I let him have the apt. he could handle it by himself. Might I have to move within the future? Yes because the bldg is co-op, and Im renting and at this time cant afford to purchase my apt. For so long I felt ashamed of this thought. Feeling that once he found out this was happening he would be laughing and saying ha, I knew she couldnt keep it up for long. But who the heck cares what he thinks. I dont not that much anymore. Im taking care of our son 90% his minimal child support helps a bit but not to make a drastic affect on our lives ya know.

Those were the three major things for me.