Didn't know where else to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Didn't know where else to vent
9
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 8:57am

Hi everyone here -


I have been a complete nervous wreck for awhile now, but I'm getting to be really quite pissed at myself for allowing myself to be consumed by problems & therefore allowing it to affect my sleep & my overall joy.


The facts stand as this - been separated for 9months - have three children that I get every other wk. I work from home & have been since I was married, but the fact is, it isn't enough for me to live off of. I get child support, but b/c my husband does get the kids 1/2 the time - it isn't enough. Because it's my own business, I am responsible for taxes (2 yrs worth) and at this point, there's no way I can pay them - therefore it puts my business status in jeopardy. If I can't afford to live, I don't have many options other than to go home to momma which is an hour away & I will only be able to get the kids on the wkends.


My husband is the only other family I have & though he has helped me out financially in the past, I hate asking or depending on him for anything. I am currently looking for an outside job to earn more & to no longer have to deal w/tax issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 12:24pm

Hi Laurel...Didn't you just recently post on another board that you were conflicted with your "feminist values" and being a wife?


Before asking your H too make changes I think you need to look in the mirror. You want your H to be everything that you want but are you everything that he wants. Marriage is a two way street.


You seem to be using your H too see the kids and you look at him to help you financially. What is in it for him?


How does getting you H to help paying your back taxes support you as a Feminist?


He is the one that filed for the separation so you must understand that HE is not happy with they way things were going. You stated that he is ok with the situation and you think you may be able to scare him to do something.


You might be in for a surprise and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 1:46pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 1:58pm

Lurel..I have been separated from my H for 16 months. We hurt each other deeply and we are slowly trying to get our marriage back. I am moving back to Boston after being away from most of last 16 months.


One of the things that helped me was seeing a Therapist. She listened to all of my rants and ravings. Finally, one day she looked at me and asked if I could put myself in my H's shoes for 2 weeks. I saw her every other day for almost a month. I was a completely different person after that process.


We look at things from our perspective and make assumptions based on that. Very rarely do we look at things from the other person's perspective. For me, it was an eye opener. I can't tell you how many times i left ther Therapist's office in tears.


My post was a "Devil's Advocate" response. I tried to give you a different view of what you had posted.


I did not mean to judge you and I am sorry that you were offended. Sometimes we need to see things from a vantage point other than our own.


stunned08

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 3:14pm

Thx for sharing your experience - it is inspirational & more than anything, that's what I come here. It's great that your experience was transforming for you, I think that this marriage has caused me to do alot of transforming as well & over the last few days, I've been a crying basket case - unsure why but maybe b/c I'm now missing my husband more than ever. You would think that it wouldn't take 9months for that to occur (of course we have been still seeing each other usually wkly) but I'm finally to the point where I want to be in bed to him every single night - where as before I only cared a little & was living more in denial. I guess his trip was really the wake up call that I needed. There's been alot of those going on in my life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 3:57pm

I will try to give you the Readers Digest version..It is posted over at Mismatched Libidos..tilted: Confused..


I am High Libido female, attorney, 34 years old. H was/is/maybe Low Libido 33 years old. We are both attorneys. I work in Corporate Law and H works in Real Estate/Municipal Law. My H was/is my best friend.


About 2 years ago we were working off the wall hours. We were like two ships passing in the night. When I saw him I wanted to jump him as often as possible. I had a very hard time dealing with rejection. "Too tired, etc:.


Everything came to a head in one week. The hours were finally slowing down but we were both exhausted and very stressed out. We got into a nasty fight on a Wednesday night that just kept going. Finally on a Friday night everything just exploded. I told him I needed more and that he was not meeting my needs. MY H looked at me and wanted to know if I already had a boy freind to take of my needs. Instead of answering him and telling him I wanted him to take care of my needs. I just let the question hang in the air. I told him I was going to our friends house for the weekend. He knows them and could have called to see if I was there. He did not.


I came home to our condo on Sunday to find that he moved out. Everything that belonged to him was gone. I mean everything. His clothes, pc, diplomas, you name it was gone. He left me a note. "You win".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 4:23pm

Thx for sharing. Wow - that's a pretty cut & dry situation. One major fight & he packs his bags & leaves?


I did the same thing in our marriage, just in a different way. I stripped him of his manhood so to speak by verbally telling him he wasn't a man etc. Now I realize how terrible that was & once I saw how much that upset him & it was damaging our relationship, I stopped.


But that's the thing - we teach people how to treat us & there are going to be problems/issues in all relationships - it's how we handle them that makes the difference. And the fact is, that both people are responsible in different ways - not just one. I agree that you didn't handle the situation well, but neither did your husband.


I think it's great that you guys are finally able to come to some sort of reconcilation & make the decision to work on your problems. Hopefully you both have learned different things & will be better together for it.


But don't forget - even "great" girls make mistakes & have the ability to hurt. And it often takes a "great" guy to forgive them & vice versa. Don't be so hard on yourself - live & learn & become better, but also - be patient & love yourself as well.


Hugs,


Laurel


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 4:39pm

The stress factor had been building for a few months.


I often wonder if he said to me what I said to me, if I would want to try a second time.


The biggest thing for us is that I am willing to fight for us. There are times when we talk that I can see he is experiencing something, like a flashback.


We talk atleast 2x's daily and he was here over the weekend. Alot more talking. He slept on the couch this weekend. I asked him if he wanted to sleep in the bed but he declined. I finally asked why he slepted on a small couch. He said he would not sleep in a bed that another man may have slept in.


Talk about making me speechless. After me babling for a couples of minutes I told him that no ther man has been in that bed with me (which is true). This is what we will be dealing with. I spent most of today thinking about what he said and I understand it and I realize that I have the same feelings. I will not share anything that another women has shared with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 5:31pm

I guess everything depends on the density of your skin. I cannot say we had that problem or situation, but we had others & yes - words can be very damaging. However once again - forgiveness is part of a relationship & if the person is genuinely sorry & you are confident they won't do the same thing twice or have learned from things, then that's what 2nd chances are for. Bringing the pain & issue up

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 8:43pm