Different Custody Arrangements

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Different Custody Arrangements
8
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 5:29pm

Im sure this or something like this may have been posted before but I was curious still. One of our fellow ivillages made a post about a 50/50 split. I know some of you have this. What I want clarified is how is the 50/50 split negotiated. My ex wants joint custody. That scares the crap out of me. Then upon doing research I found there is two types of joint custody. The physical and legal.

50/50 split does that automatically mean the two? Meaning say mom gets 2 weeks with the child and dad gets the other two weeks. I cant imagine not having my son at home for two weeks. I also read some of you say it worked out good for your kids and is not as scary as it sounds. It just horrifies me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 5:50pm

We do 50/50 and it works great for us.

We have the boys from Friday to Friday with a Weds night dinner for the non-residing parent that week. That way we never go a full week without seeing them.

It works for us because we live 2.3 miles from one another, we are able to communicate fairly well and the kids want to be in both homes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 5:55pm
Im a bit confused. So does that mean that you guys alternate week by week. One week with you then one week with dad and so on. How old were the kids when this started. Ive heard some posts that just because an agreement starts out one way it can change later on. So Im thinking what if I do get the arrangement I want now, it could change later on as well. Ex said that he would never take ds away from me but lately I cant say that I hold his word very sacred.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 7:56pm

Yes it is 1 week with us, 1 week with mom. We started this the summer before OSS began Kindy so they were 5 and 6.

You are correct that visitation schedules and parenting plans can, and often do, change. As the child matures their needs change. When DH and BM divorced the boys were infants so the schedule was more like 80/20. Once they hit school age he asked for more time. It took some arm twisting on our part but BM did not want to go back to court, especially since our legal costs are 0. They worked it out in mediation and created the parenting plan themselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 8:54pm

I have most frequently heard 50/50 being referred to as the split of the financial assets, NOT the custody! In NY the marital assets must be split in half, not children.

You can work out whatever custody you want as long as it is reasonable for both parties.

You would not be expected to part with your children for 2 weeks at a time. You could do 2 days on, three days off, MWF and alternate weekends, whatever. The more distance between your residences the trickier it gets.

Id love it if my STBX got anywhere NEAR taking the kids for 50% of the time. Right now he has about 5%.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 9:11pm
50/50 can mean either legal, physical or both, just to clarify that point. 50/50 physical is what you appear to be addressing. This can be done in many different ways, as many as there are days of the calendar really. It could mean one *year* with one and one year with the other; although this is unusal, I have seen this happen. It can mean one month, every two weeks, one week, or even a split week. I think that it needs to be based on (1) the children's schedule- school, activities, etc. and (2) the parent's work schedules, and in that order. This is all based on the parents living within a reasonable distance from one another.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 9:47pm

Heck, I'd be jumping for joy if xh had Joey even EOW... he saw him for 4 days last year (2005) and has so far seen him for 3 days this year... he wasn't interested in visitation and didn't even want holidays when the agreements were written and now lives several hundred miles away, but is responsible for transportation to and from, so unfortunately, he doesn't see Joey that often... but Joey still see's xil's every weekend, so he knows his family, which is very important too and the best case scenario given our circumstances...

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 10:04am

I think it's a great idea for you to ask about other people's custody arrangements...it always help to get input from others that have been there.


The most common 50/50 custody I have seen is one week at mom's, the next week at dad's. Obviously, this only works well if the parents both live close to the child's school. My arrangement is about a 55/45, but it's a little more complex due to work schedules. I work the weekends, and Mondays overnight. So ex has DS Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, and we alternate Tuesdays. I have DS the other days, as as well as every day after school, regardless as to who's "day" it is. Ex also has every 4th weekend "off," so DS is with me. I know it sounds complicated, but it works pretty well for us.


Also, custody arrangements can, and typically do, change over time. If it's not working out, it isn't permanently set in stone.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 11:48am
The best advice I can give to make a custody situation work is to be flexible. Realize that as the children grow the schedule will need to be altered and changed. This was very hard for BM, she kept saying that the boys needed consistency and not to have changes in their lives etc. I pointed out that their lives changed when she had another baby and when they started school. Change occurs in kids lives and it is how the parents handle it that, I think, makes all the difference.