Discouraged and Depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Discouraged and Depressed
26
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 12:42pm

So it is finally moving forward. After him being gone for seven months, we were civil and he was even considering seeing if we could work things out. But his friends and family hate me and they began to tell him things like I have a boyfriend and other ugly rumors...he never asked me just believed them. His retaliation was to get a 24 yr old friend, they have been seen kissing in public. He then filed for divorce.

Now I was not ready to take him back but I was not ready to let go yet. He was terrible to me very abusive but I always knew he had the possiblity to be a good person, he had done so a few times. He has served me papers now and we went from friends to enemies, he won't listen to anything I say, he thinks I'm lying.

I am devestated, I'm still here in the house in our same bed and I find myself crying most every day. I can't seem to remember all of the bad things from the marriage, how he was awful with money, how he never spent time with us, how he always made me feel bad about me and how he always yelled. Even when I remember all of those things I still find myself missing him and wishing he had not done this.

We live in such a small town that it's easy to run into him and he lives less than a mile from us. I can't get the image of him and his new girlfriend out of my mind. The worst part is I know her better than he does, I bowled with her for two years, I know of all of her escapades with married men and one night stands. I work with her step mother.

I'm seeing a councilor and it helps but I can't seem to get this pain to stop. If he had asked to come home I'd have said no, I know he needed more help. My girls told me months ago that they were glad that this had happened and they wanted me to move on. I know not being with him is the right thing I know it's better for me and my girls. But dear god it hurts so much and suddenly I want all the dreams we had and I want him to call and say he was wrong and that life will be better.

I just don't know how to stop feeling this way and how to get over him being with someone else. I want to stop I want to remember how bad it was, I want to know that he is not what I wanted. It was almost 19 years that we were together and most of them were awful so why do I feel this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 7:13pm

We are similar in many ways. My husband did not cheat on me but he actions were similar to what you describe. I know of another time when he had a girl working for him and began to treat her better than me, she was young also and I told him he would have to fire her. He would do things like help her get her car fixed while mine stayed undrivable. I see what he wants now and that is a young girl to take care of, that does not stand up to him and is controllable and needs him. That was not me, I did not need any help from him. I wanted to be his partner, his equal, that he did not like.

I like your definition of being a shadow of yourself. I think it is a good analogy.

Why is it we hold on for so long, even when we can see that it's no good. I am so afraid of doing that again. I'm also afraid that there is no such thing as long term. My husband did not believe you should get divorced that you stay together no matter what. If he and I could not work, what's to say anything will be long term, will I spend a lifetime of always moving on?

I'm getting ready to leave work and I always wonder what the night will bring. I now raise three teenage girls alone, I guess I always really did, but now there is no one to turn to for back up. And it seems when I get home one of them is in melt down mode or I hear new things his family is saying or someone comments on the new girlfriend. I'm just ready to move forward in my life to get this part over with and find a way to move forward and to find a new life. I live in a town of 20, 000, average age is 26, college town, I don't really expect to find someone and they way my husband's family is to me will make it difficult. Moving right now is not an option because of the girls ages. I want to find hope somewhere, some how. I know it's there

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 8:25pm
I know how you feel i was married for 19 yrs and now my husband is filing for divorce. Its really hard because i still love him very much. How can he do this, we have 3 kids
together. He walked out on me, after having a baby 2 weeks old. Doesn't this guy have a heart. Love ones are telling me to go on with my life, but they just don't understand i have been with this guy for 19 yrs, its not easy. I haven't received my papers yet, but he keeps telling to expect them soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:09pm

It amazing to me how we can love someone for so long and then one day it just ends. My husband did the same thing with stating that he was done and serving me papers for seven months. He went back and forth between loving me and not loving me, wanting to be with me and not wanting to be with me. One of our friends tells me that he believes my husband did not want this and that he was mostly driven by his family to leave me, since they don't like me.

I keep saying this and I have to believe it but we will adjust. I cry every day because I still love him so much. Last night I woke in the middle of the night and I thought he was next to me. The pain is so much, I still don't understand how he just stopped, and I really don't understand how over the seven months that he suddenly decided that he was done and wanted someone else. I like the idea too of starting over without all of the issues but I would not have done that to him. My only hope is that one day he wakes up and realizes what he has done, and I hope by then...that I have learned to move forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 8:59am

Jesse's mom wrote:

I grew up and gained confidence and became a strong (yes, some call us bitchy!) woman with the capability to think independently and he lost interest in me completely.

I think this is basically what happened to me. My H seems to have lost interest in me for the most part when he realized that I was going to assert myself and he could no longer control me after so many years. I became more trouble than i was worth! ;)
Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 9:11am

Chickygirl2 wrote:

I see what he wants now and that is a young girl to take care of, that does not stand up to him and is controllable and needs him. That was not me, I did not need any help from him. I wanted to be his partner, his equal, that he did not like.

Basically the same thing jesse's mom said. What is it with these guys.I'm just glad I have wised up now.
Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 11:51am

Are all men like this? I'm starting to wonder are there any men who like strong women. Do I have to become weak and helpless to have a man in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 12:00pm

<< My H can be downright mean, but he can be sweet too. Every day I have to struggle to remind myself to go through with it. H can be verbally abusive, critical, complaining, and negative. >>

OMG - are you married to my husabnd too?!?!?!? You've described him almost perfectly!

I really do love this board. It has given me a lot of support. I realize more and more that I am not alone and I don't have to be and the pain and struggles that I am going through is "normal" and part of the process. Thanks everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 12:13pm
I've heard others say all men aren't like that. I think we just found some that never grew up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 12:15pm
It does help having this place to turn to. It's easy to get caught up in the good dreams and the dream of what might have been. I think that's what I'm grieving. The dream of the 'perfect' family. I just hope I'm strong enough to get through this.
Kelly
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 1:01pm
My husband has been gone for 9 months now, and its still hard for me. He told me he didn't love me anymore. Its been 16 yrs, how can he at not least have a bit of love for
me. How can someone just walk out so easy. This guy was my first love, and my first real break up. I love him so much it hurts, no nobody who has not gone thur it can tell me to move on, because its not easy. I have been with this person for 16 yrs and all of a sudden he is gone, out of my life. I understand what you are going thur. My husband says he does not love me, but why does he still like to come be with me and i like a fool still let him.I believe i deserve better then this, he didn't treat all that great,sometimes he was really mean to me. Sometimes i even ask myself, do i really want him back. I don't know what i want right now. All i know is that i already let this guy know since he has been gone that i miss him and how much i love him. I am not going to beg him to come back anymore. I hope one day he does relize he made a big mistake and that one day maybe to late. He broke broke my heart, how can i ever trust someone again. Its hurts to much.