Discouraged and Depressed
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| Sun, 08-13-2006 - 12:42pm |
So it is finally moving forward. After him being gone for seven months, we were civil and he was even considering seeing if we could work things out. But his friends and family hate me and they began to tell him things like I have a boyfriend and other ugly rumors...he never asked me just believed them. His retaliation was to get a 24 yr old friend, they have been seen kissing in public. He then filed for divorce.
Now I was not ready to take him back but I was not ready to let go yet. He was terrible to me very abusive but I always knew he had the possiblity to be a good person, he had done so a few times. He has served me papers now and we went from friends to enemies, he won't listen to anything I say, he thinks I'm lying.
I am devestated, I'm still here in the house in our same bed and I find myself crying most every day. I can't seem to remember all of the bad things from the marriage, how he was awful with money, how he never spent time with us, how he always made me feel bad about me and how he always yelled. Even when I remember all of those things I still find myself missing him and wishing he had not done this.
We live in such a small town that it's easy to run into him and he lives less than a mile from us. I can't get the image of him and his new girlfriend out of my mind. The worst part is I know her better than he does, I bowled with her for two years, I know of all of her escapades with married men and one night stands. I work with her step mother.
I'm seeing a councilor and it helps but I can't seem to get this pain to stop. If he had asked to come home I'd have said no, I know he needed more help. My girls told me months ago that they were glad that this had happened and they wanted me to move on. I know not being with him is the right thing I know it's better for me and my girls. But dear god it hurts so much and suddenly I want all the dreams we had and I want him to call and say he was wrong and that life will be better.
I just don't know how to stop feeling this way and how to get over him being with someone else. I want to stop I want to remember how bad it was, I want to know that he is not what I wanted. It was almost 19 years that we were together and most of them were awful so why do I feel this way.

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Everything you are saying is exactly how I am feeling. How do they just stop, I understand my husband who now has my replacement that it must be easier for him, but how do you just stop. Why do I not have it in me to just stop.
I know I said earlier but I don't believe we stop loving them, we just learn how to adjust. I did the same as you I waited and kept letting him be a part of my life on his terms, when he wanted. I kept thinking if I do this then there is still hope, and there wasn't. I think I always knew there was not going to be any hope, but every now and then he led me, my friends and my family to believe that there might be.
I keep running over the last day that things were fine, he was so sweet and joking. He was already talking to her but he still had so much love in his eyes for me. He kissed me goodbye and it felt better than it had in a while. Then the next day it all changed, someone told him I was seeing another guy, not true, and he believed them...after that he went to her. I guess if he can believe that easy all he was looking for was an excuse a way to move forward and away from me. Why do I want to still hold on to that.
Buck up and move on, we have to, for us there is still a family to keep together a life and new traditions to create. We have to start focusing on creating this new enviornment.
Ah but don't we say that most men never grow up? Where are these other men?? Under rocks because I think they are just a myth, something that's not real!! I believe that relationships are more difficult than easy but it's that connection that you have with the other person that makes you decide to stay and keep moving forward. Maybe my husband and I never had that??
I want that with someone.
Because you are human and you are willing to deal with your emotions and not suppress them. I think when people say they "just stop" loving another, they just suppress their feelings. My husband didn't leave me for anyone...he left me for nothing. He thinks that he's better off without and that I don't fit in with his "plans and goals in life". He told me that he didn't love me anymore. Instead of dealing with it, he has choosen the cowards way out...divorce. The question you asked is what I had asked myself many times over. I kept thinking "if I could just stop loving him, I wouldn't hurt as bad" or "if I could let go of everything we had as quickly as he had, I wouldn't have to deal with it". But I know that I can't think that way and I know that I need to deal with it so that I can heal and move on...so I can be a better person. I hope that you feel that you can heal and move on too.
My husband did not leave me for another woman, he is like yours, he just left, just stopped wanting to be with me. That was in January. The other woman....just came along in the past two weeks it just made it easier for him to seperate when he wasn't certain.
My councilor asked me today if I had done my best. Did I give everything I could, if so then I can't regret what I did. I know in my heart I gave and gave to him, he was never happy with me...so I'd adapt and change trying to make him happy. Looking back, I'm not sure if I was a contorsonist or a one woman circus. If I needed to be more happy or keep the house cleaner I would, but it was never enough there was always another test, that I would pass but actually fail.
My point in this babble is maybe we already are better people, maybe we just tried so hard that we lost focus of us and how does that make us not a better person. I think we are already there, we just lost sight of it!
Stay strong
I've heard all the platitudes from people - it will be okay, you'll get over it, he didn't deserve you, there's someone out there.... well, I don't want to "get over it" and I sure don't want "someone" else. On my wedding day I gave my heart to my husband. We've been divorced 2 years and it still hurts. I think these immature, selfish individuals find it really easy to just walk out the door when things become to difficult. As long as every thing rocks their way and they are satisfied - they stay. However, do the least little thing, like standing up for yourself, and they walk out. I have two beautiful children with my ex and I'm just furious as to what he has done to my kids. He didn't just leave me, he walked out on his kids, his responsibility, his family.
The crux - I still love the man. I wish I could just turn a faucet and be done with the pain and all the hurt. But I can't. I've bought books, I've read sites like this to "find answers", I've reflected, I've prayed - but nothing makes it easier. Now he has a girlfriend. A replacement. He has a life he can live unencumbered while I bring up our children on my own. I had hoped, dreamed, that we could work things out. I've been patient, not been with any other man, waiting for him to "wisen up" and realize that he didn't have it bad at all. I didn't smoother him. He had a life outside of the family. He had hobbies, friends, and I never stopped him from doing what he enjoyed. So why!? Because I started asking for something for me. I wanted to be a priority. I wanted to have a partner in my life - but he wanted a maid and living blow-up doll, not a wife. He had asked me to move to Texas where he lives now until he met this new girl 6 months ago. I had seriously considered it, went on-line to check out jobs and rental properities. I know more about Texas now than I ever wanted to know. Then he slipped up one night on the phone and said he would "never get married again". So, I asked, why was I moving to Texas? No answer from him, but I got it. We could move in together, he could have his sweet life, but still have no responsibilities and have an easier time walking out when it got rough. To say the least - I haven't moved to Texas. Of course, he has a "girlfriend" now, one he says he may marry. Yep, I guessed he changed his mind about marriage after all.
I know I am rambling. But like you all, I've been in a world of hurt, anger, sadness, depression, for so long that I don't know what it feels like to just be happy. I spend hours a day wondering what my ex is doing, and why he want love me. I know I'm a good person and a worthwhile person. I just don't know why it wasn't good enough for him.
You remind me of how I have been feeling. I asked my husband for the same things, just to give a little to me, to our family. He worked two jobs and did not get home until after everyone was in bed, if we were lucky we got one day a week. He could never give to us, he continued to make sure I knew that I was not good enough.
But here is the thing, you have to begin to accept where you are right now and where he is. You are continuing to let him run your life and your not running your own life. You are allowing him to decide and control how you live and he is not even there. Is this what you want for your kids, or do you want to show them a happy strong loving woman. And by loving you don't have to be loved or even with someone to be loving. How is this affecting them, I see how it's affecting you but are you missing what it's doing to those around you. You are stronger and better than this, you deserve more than sitting and hoping for someone that could not give you the love that you needed before and certainly is not now.
Believe me I want what you want, I want my husband to relize he made a mistake, I want him to see how poorly he treated me for so many years, I want him to come back and be a family again and hold me and tell me he loves me and only me, but the truth is that is nothing more than a wish that I held on to all through my marriage. He was not able to do these things while we were married and I waited all those year for him to feel something for me....the fact is if he never did it all of those years, he certainly won't feel it now.
You have been divorced for two years, you have been waiting for him to come around and he sounds like my husband..keeping you on the line...just in case. Decide for you no more and begin to live. Ask yourself, how long did you wait for him to be what you needed and how much longer are you going to wait for him to be what you need.
Are you seeing a councilor yet, it will do you some good to find an outside person to help you sort through these feelings. I know it's helping me and I know I have cried everyday and prayed for him to realize he is wrong...but I know that is not going to happen.
Start today to live for you and begin to live your life for you and your kids and not under his control. Call today and find a councilor to talk to and if you are talking to someone...maybe it's time to find a new councilor.
You can do this, you are stronger than you will realize. And remember I'm doing this right along with you.
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