Dividing the household stuff

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Registered: 05-07-2003
Dividing the household stuff
8
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 8:38pm

I've been seriously considering moving back to my hometown on the Cape after my divorce. The more I think about it, and the more I'm away from STBX, the more I can't stand his behavior. When I spent the weekend down the Cape recently, I was relaxed, and it was so stress-free. My counselor said that is a VERY good sign in my recovery from a stress-related fatigue disorder.

Anyway, I was making an inventory of what I'd be willing to part with. I've been married since 1986, and we've been in our house since 1990. I list of stuff I'm willing to "relinquish" to STBX is easily TWICE the size of stuff I want to keep for myself! I spent a long time pickng out my sofa and loveseat, but I'm willing to let it go. I spent weeks refinishing my coffee and end tables, but STBX can have 'em too. He can have most of the stuff, with the exception of the master bedroom furniture, mattress (he just bought a set of his own for his place), the entertainment center. I spent YEARS trying to find the right one, and I LOVE this one. Certain items, like antique furniture that's been in my family since the 1850s I want to keep, and my jewelry. I'd be willing to part with my engagement and anniversary rings. He can have the 32" flat screen TV we got in February to see the Pats win the Superbowl. He can have his 2 trucks, 2 race cars, 1 muscle car, ramp truck, but I want to keep my SUV, and maybe trade it in for a more economical ride. He can have the DVD with surround sound, the refrigerator, microwave, dishwasher, washer, dryer, stove, laptop (I want to keep the desktop one), hutch, pool table, a valuable Coca Cola cooler, 2 VCRs, china from his mom and grandfather, the patio set that I searched for for 7 years, the dining set that my mom gave us-- he can have all of it.

Basically, the only things I want are family heirloom type pieces, my All-Clads, Fiestaware, a few home furnishings, and bed and linens.

He's been complaining about the business, that we're "losing" customers (hey, it's a storage place, that's the nature of the beast), every interaction with im is a fight or a misunderstanding. He's spoken about selling the place, and moving to California, because "there's fast women there, and race cars.". Okaaay (no offense to an Cali girls here! ;-) ) I'd like to be bought out by STBX-- I'm 1/2 owner of the house and business/es. I just don't want to be dealing with him, and walking on eggshells any longer. He's claimed that the house and business is worth close to a million dollars-- personally, I think that's a high number-- MAYBE 750K. Even so, half of that would get me on my way.

My mom and brother want to build a garage at their place with an apartment above it. My mom is going to be retiring in the next few years-- her term in her elected profession expires in 2007, and she doesn't want to run again. I'd be happy to front a good portion of the money to build the garage/apartment, and give my mom some kind of rent to offset the added property tax expense. I've been looking at plans online... it just seems like such a positive thing for me to get away from this town and STBX. I don't have family here-- they're all on the Cape. STBX has wanted to isolate himself and us from our families, and I need family support now. Plus, I truly believe that my son will have more positive role models down the Cape than he does at the moment (as long as I keep him away from my BIL, LOL!)... STBX was trying to get me back by claiming that he was going to begin counseling and AA-- I should ask him how that's going. I'm sure it was just a ruse...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 4:01am

Dont bother asking him how AA is going .... just my opinion while divorcing an alcoholic. It doesnt matter.


I know its easy to just want to be DONE.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 10:38am

don't be too quick to give things away! i know the urge to get out as fast and cleanly as you can is strong, but that's the sort of thing you may regret in the future. even if you don't want certain things, be sure to take half. you can always sell it or donate it later on after you've had time to give it real thought.

going back to the cape sounds wonderful. you have family there, you're relaxed there ... do you have friends there?

Avatar for susieyippin
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Registered: 05-07-2003
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 10:48am

Hi Rebecca,

Actually, a lot of thing things I'm willing to part with (I was also thinking 1/2 plus some cash for what I'll leave behind ;-) ) are not quite brand new, with the exception of the flat screen TV (which was only about $600.). The sofa set is going on 6 years, the coffee and end tables are the same age, the pool table and playroom entertainment center are cast offs from BIL, and the ent. center isn't in that great shape. The VCR are 14 and 10 years old, the DVD/stereo is the most recent, at almost 4. The dining room table was my mom's from 1964 and isn't the highest quality-- it doesn't have matching chairs -- I've been using family antique chairs for it. I think the blanket chest from the 1700s is worth more than the sofas, so he won't be getting that, and I have a ring with 2 one-carat diamonds from my grandmother that I will not let him have-- it was a gift. I guess I'm just trying to make it seem desirable to him to buy me out, you know? I need to speak with my lawyer about all this, and it's a bit of a ways off time-wise, but I know there's nothing left for me here.

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 10:58am

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Yes, most of my friends are on the Cape-- I've lived off Cape since 1986, and I have NEVER made the same type of friendships that I STILL have with my Wellfleet friends. People in the town where I live are very closed, reserved, clique-y. I'd have a good support system in Wellfleet, where I don't have much up here. Oh, I've made a couple of friends, but I see them maybe once every few months-type-of-thing.
When I still lived on the Cape, I saw my friends all the time. The people up here are more concerned with working to fund their mini-mansions. The Cape is so much more laid back; it's a bit of an artistic community, so the locals are more free-thinking and tolerant. Rochester is very conservative-- the schools aren't being added on to, and there's a lot of mini-mansion folks moving into town, so they're talking about shuttling the kids to neighboring towns for 1 or 2 classes. The town is wicked cheap, and doesn't fund the local educational system, or the library. They won't allow businesses in, so the tax burden falls to the residents, and they won't fund any more school or library expansions, even though the state said they would pay for half. Wellfleet is very pro-education, and they've built several upgrades and additions to their school system, and they have a fantastic modern library.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 11:24am
it sounds to me like there's no decision to make -- it doesn't get any better than that. do you have children?
Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 11:35am
I have 2 kids-- my oldest son is 18, and he lives here at home, and is a freshman at a community college. If STBX kept the house, DS could continue his studies, and visit me in the summer on the Cape. He's also at the age where he'd be starting to fly out of the nest anyway. My younger son is 9, and he'd have to make a adjustment, but Wellfleet is a good place to grow up. He'd be away from the daily influence of his alcoholic, passive-aggressive, verbally abusive father, and have all 4 of his grandparents, a step-grandma, uncle, aunt, grand uncle and aunt, two 1st cousins once removed, and a 2nd cousin, within 10 miles of each other. My family visits each other frequently in Wellfleet, and I truly believe there would be more positive male role models for DS. I know he loves his dad, and he'd miss him, but there's email, phone, and he'd see him every weekend, and probably a few weeks in the summer. BOTH my kids were born on the Cape; they've spent so much time in Wellfleet, it's like their 2nd home, and they love it there. DS would have to make new friends, but he'd adjust. Granted, there are a LOT more kids in our neighborhood now than in the neighborhood we'd be moving into, but that could be a good thing. DS has ADD, and he gets very distracted by his buddies in the neighborhood.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 12:47pm

still sounds like moving is the right move for you. kids do factor in; however, in your case, even if you had four kids in middle school (tough age to move your kids), going back home makes the most sense.

good luck to you. i hope you can get through this with a minimal amount of aggravation.

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 1:56pm

Thanks for the good wishes. :-)
I've been thinking, and I'm just now noticing how STBX has isolated me from my (and OUR!) family... He cannot or will not deal with his family (they're all alcoholics), so he moved up here. When we got married and bought our house, he didn't repair our steps. His reasoning? If the relatives see that the steps are broken, they won't visit, and thus he won't have to deal with them.

My brother is a bachelor, and lives with my mom. He doesn't have a mortgage, or a family to provide for (my uncle is the same way), so he has a lot of money to burn. In the past, DB would give us generous Christmas presents. STBX is insecure and feels inadequate around MOST other men, so he would make a big stink about my brother giving us a TV, or a DVD player, so he made me feel like was the one who had an issue, so then I felt guilty, and had to tell my brother to stop giving such expensive gifts. This has caused a bit of a rift between DB and I in the past, and only since STBX has been out of the house since June, have I REALLY seen how my brother is, and he's just a guy who likes to share his good fortune, like our uncle does. He's a good kid (he's 35, but he's still my kid bro) at heart, who likes to be helpful. I just feel so badly that STBX has tried to drive a wedge into my relationship with my brother.