divorce a 23 year marraige?
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divorce a 23 year marraige?
| Mon, 06-25-2007 - 10:39pm |
Hello. I am new here and desperate. My husband (60) and I (55)were married 23 years, REALLY passionately and happily for about 17 or 18 of those. Then came menopause and travel anxiety (me).....we became like brother and sister, very loving and caring but rarely intimate due to lack of desire (me) and pain. After marraige counseling we decided to seperate,...he didn't want to, I insisted. I didn't think it would bother me if he dated, as my desire had seemed to vanish ....or if he tried to find someone to make him happy when I couldn't. I gave him a green light. I was relieved the first 3 weeks, and we stayed in constant contact.....6 weeks passed, he fell in love with a French woman 20 years younger, who fell in love back....I NEVER expected my feelings. I FREAKED!!!!.....they traveled to Europe 3 months after he moved out, and I am devestated. I never realized what I had, till it was gone. Although we still love each other, and he still thinks we might end up together, and we have rediscovered our passion, which causes conflict for him now, as he thought it was gone forever.....and he made a promise to this woman he would never hurt her.......I have fixed my problems, but now he LOVES living alone, and doesn't want to come back into the marraige...is enjoying his "adventures" and his new, easy, undemanding relationship with his very independent girlfriend, who is not a citizen and will be retiring to France someday. I have been drowning in a sea of sorrow for 7 months, and he says he still sees a marital future for us, but not right now. Some people say, don't divorce, wait it out, stay loving and doing the things we do love together, (family, music, our spiritual life)....others say divorce him, stay out of contact except business and try to start a new life. I am humiliated in my home town, and I am so depressed, and completely surprised by how I feel NOW.....any thoughts would be helpful......Thank you. Shivani74

This sounds like your ego not your true feelings. We always want what we can't have. Was your marriage really OK? I myself am considerig separation after 28 years of marriage; however there never was much physical attraction for me. We are very different in personalities, a real mismatch. I have stayed for our son who is be a junior in college. My husband is wealty, but I have no doubt would be very stingy as he has always been very cheap, & I have to wait for my son to at least graduate. I do wonder, though, if I would regret it in any other way. I could care less what he does now - he works alot & is often gone, but would never cheat.
Did you feel like you were apathetic like I do? How are you doing financially? Even if you did get him back, would you be happy a year from now? Do you work?
WHAT about you? What do you have? More importantly what do Y-O-U want? You and I are the same age. My last husband and I were having problems cause he had a medical condition. He felt very sorry for himself. I had about all I could take. We were on the verge of splitting when his ex wife showed up. I walk outside of MY house and saw them kissing. He was gone the next morning. He died before we were divorced. There is no way I would put up with being second best.
Being alone is something I have become used to. It is better to be alone and happy than be with some one and still be alone, and miserable. Can you talk to a counselor? A minister? Anybody? Are you the very first person in your town to go thru a divorce? Hon, there are a million of us. I would talk to an attorney and take him for every thing he is worth. Atleast he wouldn't have money to spend on a little chicky-po!
Go get your hair done, buy a new outfit and enjoy life. Men aren't worth the cr** they put us thru. Maybe you need to get you a nice young man!!!!
Hi Shivani,
I'd encourage you to return to your marriage counselor. This person knows your situation and your role in the marriage. Explain to them what you said here and ask for help sorting out your feelings. You have some decisions to make and yourself to consider. Your husband either wants to be with you and you only or he wants to be free. It's not fair to be kept "on the shelf" while he dallies with his GF and leaves you wondering.
Like I said, I think your marriage counselor can help you. And yes, I mean you go by yourself.
Best wishes!
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
We had a GREAT marraige for about 18 of the 23 years, before menopause. We were very romantic and physical, played music together, recorded, in bands.....shared books, spiritual quests......very very lucky indeed.
I did become distant and apathetic in a way, especially the last year before he left. But I don't think it's about ego so much, as realizing what a great guy he is. My therapist says that happens sometimes....that is WHY people seperate and get back together......
Yes I work. Always have had a day job, a band on the side, and worked in the home of course. He helped too. I messed up big time on this. And yes, I would be happy a year from now if we got back together....I have learned a lot about what it important and what is unimportant.......I'm ok financially.....he signed the Mobile home over to me, it's paid for....I don't have much complaints, although my lifestyle of course has changed.......no fun or frills now....just basic living,, but better than some.
If you were never very physically attracted in your marraige, I don't know that there is anything that will help that. We had that going on big-time.....actually are still very attracted to each other......thank you for your reply, and good luck to you......Shivani 74
Shivani,
Ah, I know what your counselor is talking about. Basically, you'll reach a point where the pain of staying in the marriage becomes unbearable and the pain of leaving will be hard, but easier to deal with.
Something has to change for you soon. Very often when one spouse goes out and "plays" they do so thinking their partner will stand around and wait for them endlessly. The surprise comes when the one whose left behind gets on with their life. That's when you see the straying spouse come back shocked and heartbroken because their playtime cost them something permanent.
And a year from now is too far out to say how you'd feel. And all of the above is why. Best wishes.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020