divorce a 23 year marraige?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
divorce a 23 year marraige?
8
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 10:39pm
Hello. I am new here and desperate. My husband (60) and I (55)were married 23 years, REALLY passionately and happily for about 17 or 18 of those. Then came menopause and travel anxiety (me).....we became like brother and sister, very loving and caring but rarely intimate due to lack of desire (me) and pain. After marraige counseling we decided to seperate,...he didn't want to, I insisted. I didn't think it would bother me if he dated, as my desire had seemed to vanish ....or if he tried to find someone to make him happy when I couldn't. I gave him a green light. I was relieved the first 3 weeks, and we stayed in constant contact.....6 weeks passed, he fell in love with a French woman 20 years younger, who fell in love back....I NEVER expected my feelings. I FREAKED!!!!.....they traveled to Europe 3 months after he moved out, and I am devestated. I never realized what I had, till it was gone. Although we still love each other, and he still thinks we might end up together, and we have rediscovered our passion, which causes conflict for him now, as he thought it was gone forever.....and he made a promise to this woman he would never hurt her.......I have fixed my problems, but now he LOVES living alone, and doesn't want to come back into the marraige...is enjoying his "adventures" and his new, easy, undemanding relationship with his very independent girlfriend, who is not a citizen and will be retiring to France someday. I have been drowning in a sea of sorrow for 7 months, and he says he still sees a marital future for us, but not right now. Some people say, don't divorce, wait it out, stay loving and doing the things we do love together, (family, music, our spiritual life)....others say divorce him, stay out of contact except business and try to start a new life. I am humiliated in my home town, and I am so depressed, and completely surprised by how I feel NOW.....any thoughts would be helpful......Thank you. Shivani74
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 10:52pm

This sounds like your ego not your true feelings. We always want what we can't have. Was your marriage really OK? I myself am considerig separation after 28 years of marriage; however there never was much physical attraction for me. We are very different in personalities, a real mismatch. I have stayed for our son who is be a junior in college. My husband is wealty, but I have no doubt would be very stingy as he has always been very cheap, & I have to wait for my son to at least graduate. I do wonder, though, if I would regret it in any other way. I could care less what he does now - he works alot & is often gone, but would never cheat.

Did you feel like you were apathetic like I do? How are you doing financially? Even if you did get him back, would you be happy a year from now? Do you work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 11:47pm
Sounds like he wants his cake and eats it, too. Hey, he has the best of both worlds. A girlfriend and a wife. Why on earth would he want to change this situation? Comes and goes as he pleases. Nice bacholer life.
WHAT about you? What do you have? More importantly what do Y-O-U want? You and I are the same age. My last husband and I were having problems cause he had a medical condition. He felt very sorry for himself. I had about all I could take. We were on the verge of splitting when his ex wife showed up. I walk outside of MY house and saw them kissing. He was gone the next morning. He died before we were divorced. There is no way I would put up with being second best.
Being alone is something I have become used to. It is better to be alone and happy than be with some one and still be alone, and miserable. Can you talk to a counselor? A minister? Anybody? Are you the very first person in your town to go thru a divorce? Hon, there are a million of us. I would talk to an attorney and take him for every thing he is worth. Atleast he wouldn't have money to spend on a little chicky-po!
Go get your hair done, buy a new outfit and enjoy life. Men aren't worth the cr** they put us thru. Maybe you need to get you a nice young man!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 12:09pm

Hi Shivani,


I'd encourage you to return to your marriage counselor. This person knows your situation and your role in the marriage. Explain to them what you said here and ask for help sorting out your feelings. You have some decisions to make and yourself to consider. Your husband either wants to be with you and you only or he wants to be free. It's not fair to be kept "on the shelf" while he dallies with his GF and leaves you wondering.


Like I said, I think your marriage counselor can help you. And yes, I mean you go by yourself.


Best wishes!

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 6:53pm
Hi...I have been going about every two weeks. She basically says when I get sick of the situation as it is, I will make a change in the way I deal with it......I DO feel like I am on the shelf......sigh......Thank you for your insight.....Shivani74
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 7:05pm

We had a GREAT marraige for about 18 of the 23 years, before menopause. We were very romantic and physical, played music together, recorded, in bands.....shared books, spiritual quests......very very lucky indeed.

I did become distant and apathetic in a way, especially the last year before he left. But I don't think it's about ego so much, as realizing what a great guy he is. My therapist says that happens sometimes....that is WHY people seperate and get back together......

Yes I work. Always have had a day job, a band on the side, and worked in the home of course. He helped too. I messed up big time on this. And yes, I would be happy a year from now if we got back together....I have learned a lot about what it important and what is unimportant.......I'm ok financially.....he signed the Mobile home over to me, it's paid for....I don't have much complaints, although my lifestyle of course has changed.......no fun or frills now....just basic living,, but better than some.

If you were never very physically attracted in your marraige, I don't know that there is anything that will help that. We had that going on big-time.....actually are still very attracted to each other......thank you for your reply, and good luck to you......Shivani 74

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 7:57pm
Hi....thanks for your candid thoughts.....your thoughts are similar to several of my friends and family.....how long were you married to your husband......i never thought i would settle for being 2nd best, but I am still holding out home he will come to his senses, and I WAS the one who initiated it, so I carry some extra guilt and patiences because of it.....I am in couseling, ....how long were have you been alone now...? How long were you married? Any regrets?....we are kinda "high profile" in my hometown here, cuz we are musicians, and active in the community.....i just feel so humiliated now, I don't want to be here at all with him having someone else......i'm thinking about going thru with the divorce....it has already been filed....just waiting on "settlemennt" papers I have to do myself,...no attorneys...we can't afford them.....thanks again.....Shivani74
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:10am
I wish I could offer you some advise, but when it comes to marriage, you need to go with the decision you believe you can live with. No one can tell you to dissolve your marriage or hold on to it. It seems that you have had a great life with your husband and committed to a relationship that has withstood the test of time. Rarely, for whatever reason, do marriages last half as long as yours has. The only thing I see difficult in the long run is having him come back after he has had a taste of the semi-single life. Perhaps this new woman in his life has alternate intentions with him and may not be as demanding as we who are the devoted wives and share responsibilities with them are. I commend you for recognizing what problems you may have contributed to the marriage, and ultimately worked to correct them. True, you may have not foreseen that you would feel emotions for him that had been dormant for years, but the anxiety of the separation brought the passion that you lacked back into your life. Will it last with this other woman and he? It all depends if she is really in love with him, and how much he is willing to sacrifice. If you have been sincere with him about how this has made you feel and he is still willing to allow you to endure the pain in an effort to keep this other woman from suffering, then this isn't fair to you at all. Whether you want to wait this thing out is entirely up to you, regardless what anyone says. Fact is that you have the upper hand, alone on the fact that the two of you have shared a life time. I have a hunch that eventually this younger- other woman will not be as tolerant to learn how often he remains in contact with you. Continue to do whatever it is that brings the two of you together. However, remember that although you are separated, you ARE still his wife, you are NOT the other woman. You were shrewd enough to share with him your new found passion, but too much of a good thing all the time may not leave him too much to miss.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 10:51am

Shivani,


Ah, I know what your counselor is talking about. Basically, you'll reach a point where the pain of staying in the marriage becomes unbearable and the pain of leaving will be hard, but easier to deal with.


Something has to change for you soon. Very often when one spouse goes out and "plays" they do so thinking their partner will stand around and wait for them endlessly. The surprise comes when the one whose left behind gets on with their life. That's when you see the straying spouse come back shocked and heartbroken because their playtime cost them something permanent.


And a year from now is too far out to say how you'd feel. And all of the above is why. Best wishes.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020