Divorce After 50
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| Tue, 09-30-2008 - 12:58pm |
I'm just wondering how many of us there are out there who are 50 or over and are contemplating a divorce or are just going through it, or who have recently divorced. It seems to me that after a certain age, there are different issues that arise.
I know I'm different in that I've stuck out a marriage that has absolutely no physical or verbal affection in it for 8 long years (for our daughter who is now 17). Still, I think maybe we 50+ folks have a lot in common.
When I started--or should I say was thrust on this journey, I worried that if we got divorced, maybe no other guy would want me. In a way, I don't care about that now, but I'm not sure this is for the right reasons. I feel like having been through this for so long (and through 23 years of criticism before that) that I am damaged goods. My body is not that attractive. I run every day and try to eat right, but I'm 52 and have had two kids. I HATE the way I look without clothes. If I don't feel attractive, who would ever find me attractive? Maybe that's why I don't find myself daydreaming about other men. Or could it be I still feel too attached to my husband?
Also, I'm realistic to know that after 50, there just aren't that many single men out there. Maybe I'd be OK never having another romantic relationship. Maybe if I just have good friends, that would be enough. After all, I've done without affection for this long...
Does this ring a bell for anyone else? Is what I'm feeling nuts or normal?

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I don't know if I agree on the last point.
It's nice to hear from a normal guy. I think that where you meet people has a lot to do w/ things. When I was div from 1st DH, I was about 40, too old to go to bars, but I think younger people meet each other a lot there. I tried internet dating. At that time, it wasn't like it is now, where people automatically seem to put their photo on the site, so sometimes I would meet someone I had emailed & talked to on the phone and then when we met in person, I could tell that he was disappointed. I can't argue w/ that, cause it happened to me also. If I did that again (which is doubtful) I guess I would have to put my photo on there and save a lot of valuable time, cause the people who don't like my looks would just not bother to respond. But again, that why the internet & bars aren't that great, because if you don't know each other any other way, of course you are going to relate to how the person looks.
I met my STBX in person first and I really didn't like his looks. I can say that he's not that attractive, but after I got to like him, it really didn't concern me. I was still physically attracted to him. On and Bret Favre isn't looking as cute any more as he once did. Let's face it, after people start hitting their senior citizen years, looks really aren't going to be that important, cause, except for maybe Paul Newman, who is going to look that great when they are 70 or 80? So there better be other things in the relationship.
Some days I'm more confident about being over 50, and some days I feel like hiding somewhere. Someone on some other thread here recommended the book, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay," and it's been an eye-opener. My husband is a lot like your XH in that he used to tell me that I was not as attractive to him because of my body, so he had me wear a lot of Frederick's stuff when it was time to get intimate. I hated it. Now, of course, he never says anything about my body and hasn't wanted intimacy of any kind with me in 8 years. I can see now that added to all my natural reactions to seeing a plump, saggy body in the mirror, I have absorbed all his criticisms over the years and maybe don't see myself as I am.
A very-long-time male acquaintance (who has no desire for me, and I have none for him) gave me a compliment on my appearance the other day, and inside I reacted like a giddy school girl. Suddenly, I find myself painfully missing sex, intimacy, romance. When I think that I may never be kissed on the mouth again, I want to cry, or maybe stamp my feet in frustration. It just called up a whole flock of intense longings that I didn't know I still had. It's so much easier to be numb.
What do you all think about this idea: Just like diet books tell you to take off your clothes and take an honest look in the mirror, what if I sat down with pen and paper and listed all the not-so-great aspects of me, mental and emotional? I've thought that maybe this exercise would help me put a limit on my negative self-image by quantifying things instead of my just having this general feeling of over-all inferiority. On the other hand, maybe it would just depress me to see them.
I hope I can someday get the kind of confidence you have. Thanks to all of you, and to the over-50 guy who gave me a good account of a man's perspective.
Yea, I think we all have days like that..........feeling good one day..........sexy, etc, and then the next we feel old and dumpy.
How old is your son? He sounds like he's well-adjusted and just wants you to be happy. And you know you ARE happy, something so few people seem to realize until after the fact. This is good.
OK, here's the thing. I have always been an affectionate person. From the time I was little bitty, I've been a hugs-and-kisses girl. My kids and I are affectionate with each other, but now they each get most of their hugs and kisses from their respective girlfriend and boyfriend, which is natural and right. I think the reason the remark from the male acquaintance made me so giddy was that it triggered so many feelings and longings I thought I was well past, but which were obviously just buried. I can see that defining myself through what men find attractive (OK, what people find attractive...let's face it, all the studies show that people in general favor physically attractive people.)is not healthy. But how do you get past wanting physical intimacy? I don't crave it all day, every day. But I do miss it. Lately, I've been missing it a lot.
It's funny. I put the hugs-and-kisses need on the back burner, hoping, I guess, that after all this time--eight years since he's touched me and almost two years before that since he kissed me like he meant it--I wouldn't miss it. I don't wake up in the morning craving affection, but when I do get a hug, I really treasure it. And this may sound bad, but I especially treasure it if it's from a man. Of course, I'm talking about the rare, good-to-see-you or thank you hugs, not romantic hugs. It's not that I value men more than women; it's that I just plain like the smell of after-shave and the feel of men's sweaters or suits. Then, too, and I suppose this is a big part of it, every day my husband hasn't touched me, and there have been thousands of 'em now, the subtle message is that I'm not huggable or attractive.
I had a massage once, and you won't believe it, but I didn't like it. I know so many people who swear by massages, but they make me very self-conscious, somehow. It occurs to me that this is something I should think over and work on.
I've been to therapy since my husband quit touching me. Actually, he blew up at me (He's had a tendency to do that since I married him 31 years ago.)because he had come back from taking our son to college and expected dinner and a drink waiting for him (He'd called ahead to tell me when he'd be home.) and I hadn't done so because I was cleaning up the disaster area that was my son's room. He told me he didn't think he loved me any more and that he was thinking of divorce. He was terribly frustrated because I'd become almost zombie-like from an anti-depressant I was on at the time. I took his outburst really hard because I'd accepted a huge, hard-to-take revelation of his (nothing illegal or immoral, but earthshaking nonetheless) a few years before and was hoping that he'd become more accepting of me. I realize now how unrealistic that was. All physical contact from him--and there hadn't been a lot in the previous couple of years--stopped then.
A year after The Great Rift, as I call it, he finally agreed to go for marriage counseling if the counselor was a woman,if her office was in the town in which he works, and if I didn't reveal his Big Secret. I found someone but he didn't like her, and when she asked me point-blank what the issue was that we weren't talking about, I panicked and blurted out the secret. I've apologized, but he was furious anyway--which I understand. He's worked to change some aspects of himself since then, and I've done the same, and on the surface we usually get along OK, but it's a pretty sterile relationship. I used to try to touch him just in a friendly, compassionate way, but he never reciprocated, and when I asked him if my touching bothered him, he said, "I'll let you know if it does." Not exactly encouraging! Once I asked him why he didn't touch me, and he said it hurt when he touched me and hurt when he didn't. I should add that he's given me a couple of awkward, airy hugs during these years, once when my aunt died, and once when a friend passed away.
Sorry this is so long. I thought maybe if I explained, it would make my situation clearer.
I'm sure your son will make a wonderful husband. My son is 26 and hadn't dated since high school graduation, when he'd been dumped hard. I kept telling him he'd never find a good woman if his spare time was spent playing computer games with his guy friends! He went to a highly reputable Internet dating site someone recommended--the one that advertises all those "dimensions of compatibility," and that's where he met this woman. She's a peach and seems just perfect for him. I'm a little leery of Internet dating, but this sure worked out. I'm sure your son is just being very selective.
Bless you for taking the time to share your wisdom and advice with me. I appreciate it!
That was seven years ago, and he
Hi Julie
Your post rang a lot of bells with me. I am 51 will be 52 in a couple of weeks, D at 50 and to be honest I have so many other things going on in my life,taking care of my mom who is 86years old and in a nursing home, dealing with the loss of my only brother,he passed away last year from cancer at age 52,taking care of a 15year old poodle etc. that to be honest I don't think I could muster up the energy to start the dating game again.
I was M 26years when my X decided he did not want to be M anymoe,well at least to me. 2 years later I have not had one person show any interest in me at all,mean while my X is engaged and the 2 of them are living in their brand new dream house. I am basically living paycheck to paycheck.
I think of myself as a nice person,I have let myself go a bit just due to being too busy with more important things in my life when doing my nails. I do color my hair but have not been pampered in a very long time.
I do find myself wondering why no one has showed any interest in me since everyone knows I am now D. I tend to think it is easier for a D man to get re involved after a D then us women.
I just find myself thinking I am too darn tired for all the head games that goes into dating and like you it would seem men see me as damaged goods,it does bother me some days but most days I am ok with being alone.
I think we women shift our priorities after D and a lot of times looking to start dating is low on the list of things to do. I also think women handle being alone a lot better then men,thus I think
Divorce is tough at any age. I know, I have had a lot of clients over the years and I have observed their reactions and it is alway raw. I could never advise someone to end a marriage. That is so personal. Only that individual really knows how much they can endure. But women over fifty are probably in a worse situation because they are afraid they will never find any one else because of their age. I've had women even older than fifty come in seeking a divorce.
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