Divorce After 50
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| Tue, 09-30-2008 - 12:58pm |
I'm just wondering how many of us there are out there who are 50 or over and are contemplating a divorce or are just going through it, or who have recently divorced. It seems to me that after a certain age, there are different issues that arise.
I know I'm different in that I've stuck out a marriage that has absolutely no physical or verbal affection in it for 8 long years (for our daughter who is now 17). Still, I think maybe we 50+ folks have a lot in common.
When I started--or should I say was thrust on this journey, I worried that if we got divorced, maybe no other guy would want me. In a way, I don't care about that now, but I'm not sure this is for the right reasons. I feel like having been through this for so long (and through 23 years of criticism before that) that I am damaged goods. My body is not that attractive. I run every day and try to eat right, but I'm 52 and have had two kids. I HATE the way I look without clothes. If I don't feel attractive, who would ever find me attractive? Maybe that's why I don't find myself daydreaming about other men. Or could it be I still feel too attached to my husband?
Also, I'm realistic to know that after 50, there just aren't that many single men out there. Maybe I'd be OK never having another romantic relationship. Maybe if I just have good friends, that would be enough. After all, I've done without affection for this long...
Does this ring a bell for anyone else? Is what I'm feeling nuts or normal?

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My aunt and uncle separated permanently when they'd been married 30 years, and I, too, wondered, "Why bother?" It seemed to me that if you weren't happy together, you'd know it long before that point. My Mom (I was about 18 at the time.)told me there are a lot of reasons why people stay together even when they're not happy, and my aunt and uncle hadn't been happy for a long time. I learned later that he had become a raging alcoholic who kept threatening to kill her. Pretty good reason. My aunt has since been married twice more (Hubbies one and two died.), the last time when she was 79. I guess for some women, it's never too late.
Do you mind telling me what you advise women as far as finances are concerned? Is there a book or something I could reference that would help me figure out if I'll be able to manage financially on my own? I'm a teacher, so I don't earn much. And much as I love my students, I really hope to retire someday.
Thanks much!
Stillbelieves, I'm so sorry you've had to face so much tough stuff lately. I'm especially sorry about your brother. That must be terribly difficult to face. Do you have other siblings? My closest friend lost her brother last year, also to cancer, and he was her only sibling, so she has to deal with her parents' problems all by herself.
I think you're right that we women must be stronger than men. That last remark about them needing their "mommies" made me LOL. So true.
My mom is 87. She's still living on her own, but I know it's not going to be for too much longer. She lives in California. My three siblings and I live in three different states, none of them close to her. We've been trying to figure out if she'll stay in Cal. or move back to our hometown when she's ready for assisted living.
And my dog is 13--old for a lab, so we really do have a lot in common!
I hope I'm not going to gross you out, but I look at just the physical turn-offs I carry with me, and I realize a relationship would be a problem. I am overweight, droopy in many areas (despite running daily), I have developed cherry angiomas (tiny dark red spots)all over my torso, have troubled skin, thinning hair, and crooked teeth. Not to mention that I'm in peri-menopause and have hot flashes, so I not only have that oh-so-attractive layer of sweat, but I keep throwing off the covers at night. Which reminds me: I snore and have restless leg syndrome, too. Yep, I'm a real prize, all right. Maybe compared to all that, you'll feel more attractive.
I do smile a lot, especially when I'm in public. I think people have enough trouble in their lives; if I can't cheer them up with sheer gorgeous-ness, I can at least show a little cheer and give them a friendly grin. You are busy giving love and should be proud of yourself for being a force for good and a reminder that there are caring people in the world.
Hi Julie
Thanks for your kind words about my brother,he was my only brother so I am left taking care of my mom by myself. Right after he passes away my mom decides she wants to sell her home so I had to go thru that process alone also,packing up 50plus years of her stuff, working with a realtor etc. I have also had to go thru the grieving process of my brothes passing alone since all of my friends have since moved on. When you are going thru a D you find out who your real friends are and mine seemed to think that if they kept in contact with me they would catch the D bug,so I basically have no one who keeps in contact with me.
I would have to say I look ok for my age.I also am a bit overweight and have a few teeth that need attention and I also have been thru the peri process,by the grace of God I hope I am now in menopause,I don't want to say that too loud or I might jinx myself. I too go from covers on ,covers off at night and I too snore like a mack truck,geez maybe we should get together,,LOL .
I don't dwell on there not being a man in my life,I know if its Gods plan he will send a man my way,and if I am meant to live the rest of my
Hi Marion,
I divorced after 27 years of marriage.
I agree, and I admire your courage. I would only add that the question, "Why bother?" should be looked at a different way: Why WOULD a woman go trough the pain and overwhelming hassle of divorce unless she was already in so much pain in the marriage that she had to get out? What would propel her to get out of a marriage in which she's invested so many years and so much of herself?
My father was an attorney. He was the best listener of anyone I've ever known: he could cut through the emotion and recriminations a divorcing client was spouting and get right to the heart of what she or he was trying to say, always calmly. I think that's one reason he became a judge. I worked for him on Saturdays when I was in high school and one summer when I was in college and learned a lot about integrity and compassion from him. I think this is why I can't take the stance that my H. is a jerk; he's done some pretty terrible things to me, but I always try to look at things from his perspective.
For the record, I'm a teacher in a rural area in a western state. I have a small pension. My husband has a much larger one, which I would never want to touch. I can see that it would be a wise thing to get all my information lined up--easier for me because I handle all the bill paying.
My biggest hurdle is this: How do I initiate something (D) that is going to hurt so many people, namely my kids and my nice in-laws? I'm much more comfortable in putting the needs of others ahead of my own. Only I can't live like this indefinitely.
Julie,
Your inlaws and kids will survive.
This is where I could really use your advice. When dealing with a teen-ager and a twenty-something, is it better to prepare them gradually, or just boom, tell them after the decision has been made?
During the first two years of this big gulf, when I was in a lot of pain, my daughter and I picked out a street in town that we thought was beautiful and would drive down it every day or two, picking out what house we two would live in if we could have our choice. I thought that if there was a divorce in the near future, this would soften the blow, but I eventually realized that it wasn't helpful to her and wasn't working anyway. This is a girl who hates change; that was my motivation.
I don't want her to feel responsible, though, like so many kids do. And I don't want to spring it on her at the last minute.
And what about my 26-year-old son? He's made a life for himself, is independent and in a good place right now. And he knows things aren't great between his dad and me and haven't been for awhile. I don't bring it up, though, because he tends to feel responsible and to try to fix things, which is not his responsibility.
I'm more concerned about my teen-age daughter.
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