divorce after almost 25 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
divorce after almost 25 years
28
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 9:11am
My husband fri, asked me for a divorce, no less on the phone. I am shocked, scared and I feel very alone. We have two daughters 22 and 19, shockingly seem to be ok with it. They are angry at me and talk to him. I can't understand this, I feel like I'm living in hell. He provides medical and I make a very small salary. I'm 44 and so damn scared...how will I make ends meet. How do you go on????

"This new  path I must lead will lead me to europhoria"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2008
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 9:38am

I'm sorry that this is happening to you.


I'm in a similar boat, except in addition to 2 adult kids, we have a later in life, 7 yr. old daughter. We have been together 25 yrs, married 23. I'm 45 yrs old and have been out of the work force since my last child was born.


H hooked up with an old flame (from high school, no less!). He has been straddling the fence for months now. I served him with divorce papers in April and we have reconciled 3 times since then. He cannot shake her. Still talks to her, etc...I am done with him, even though I still love him.


If you haven't done it yet, retain an attorney and find out about your rights. I think that because we are from long term marraiges, we stand to receive more compensation. I would also see if I could uncover a possible affair, as that could have a bearing on the judgement made during your divorce proceedings. Definitely don't let him or the girls know what you are doing, as he/they will cover up any evidence. Talk to people you trust---you will be surprised what you may uncover! That's how I found out about H and OW.


Why would your girls be so cold to you about all of this? What is your relationship with them? Could he have been poisoning their minds about you for them to act this way?


Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 10:13am

hi


thank you so much for respionding to me so quickly!


My girls are angry, I they feel it is my fault. My 22 year old is angry and won't talk to me .. my husband

"This new  path I must lead will lead me to europhoria"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 12:21pm

I am in a similar situation, my husband walked out after 29 years. I have a 19 year old daughter who will be a college sophomore next month. As far as your daughters go, this is also very difficult for them. Your daughter may just be saying those things because she is scared and confused herself. My daughter has been with me 90 percent of the time this summer. When she is mad at me, or even just at the situation, she will verbally lash out at me,this does not happen often.


My husband, who was always so mellow, has

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 5:43pm

Pansy,


Hi. Glad you found us here on SD&S.


Being on the receiving end of the divorce process is probably one of the most difficult places you'll ever experience. That's because this is such a surprise to you, especially if there was no indication before you got the news.


The fact is, most people who leave a marriage, the one who "wants" the divorce made that decision long before they actually said it out loud. Your husband "quit" your marriage some time ago: months, years, even decades ago.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 1:56am

hello,


Thank you for commenting. What you say is so true, all of it. I thought after the twenty year mark we would be in it for the long haul. I guess not. My kids are still indifferent, sorta ok, with the situation. Scares me in a way, that they can be so cold. My older daughter ( 22) hasn't talked to me in days. I try to call her and her bf and I get no response. I know she is hurting. My younger daughter is getting "bought" with ball game tickets and everything she can imagine....


I never thought I'd bet his this situation.. I always thought it was for "other people".. . it is god's way of keeping me humble...god bless you all for responding.

"This new  path I must lead will lead me to europhoria"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 12:13pm

What breaks my heart is that since I began posting maybe a month or two ago the names change but the story is the same over and over. I actually read in the paper that there is a higher rate of divorce among people who have been married 20+ than in previous years. It has been so helpful to find others going thru the same unimaginable pain but is painful to see that in the last 2 weeks the postings are from newbies starting this nightmare. We put in as much as we can for so many years and then when we plan on enjoying life we are hit with finding we do not know the person we have been married to

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 1:41pm

i feel as if i'm going to have a nervous breakddown.. i'm on xananx and lexapro my doctor. I can't eat, sleep, think or work ( i go in and go through the motions)


I can't believe that my life I thought I had is over, I feel as if a dump truck dumped concrete on my head, roller coaster of emotions and thoughts I never thought were possible..


family and friends are wonderful, my fear of the unknown and how my life will end up is scarring me the most... i need to hear it gets better.....Im just so sick :(```````````

"This new  path I must lead will lead me to europhoria"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 2:20pm

Purple-


Take deep deep breaths....I too couldn't eat sleep think function at all...medication made a lot of difference but time and friends have done the most. I did not want to tell anyone and felt alone and scared to death. I am still scared but it does ease up-unfortunately it's so gradual sometimes that you don't even realize you are healing.


I did not know a person had the capacity to cry as many tears as I did. You spent more than half your life with this man. You are going to hurt and grieve and ache and cry. Please find a good counselor-my health insurance actually covers the expense and I think most people on this message board would agree talking to a therapist is where you will learn to find yourself again and how to let go.


Stay busy with anything-I packed boxes-went out in garage one day and broke china and said all the bad words I knew and some I didn't-The busier you are the less you will feel out of control. This situation is not one you created and you will not be able to control it. You

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 11:57pm

thank you, thank you..


i had a major melt down on the phone talking to my mother today, I started to hyperventate and was sobbing. My phone went dead and she finally called me back 20mins later.. crying that she is so scared for me... she said you might end up in the hospital for a 'rest'....a rest??? I think i'm having a nervous breakdown.


Today was not a good day, i'm praying tomorrow will be better... all I can do is 'give it to god' ...


I want him out of the house... I want my

"This new  path I must lead will lead me to europhoria"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sun, 08-03-2008 - 3:50pm

Purple,


Hope today is better. My parents also had such a difficult time understanding that this was not something I could just "get over". You are grieving and in shock and everyone heals at their own pace. I had to ask my parents to stop calling to check on me because there were many days I couldn't talk to anyone. My STBX told me I needed "to get help". Of course he certainly doesn't have any issues-right! Anyway, I did go get help after an ambulance ride after calling 911 and being told I was having a heart attack-it was a panic attack and it does sound like you may be going thru the same. It is so scary and very real. My "information sheet" from the ER says to avoid stressful situations-I wish I could have avoided this one.


You do need to talk to a lawyer but I think your kids will be considered adults and probably will not get any financial support.


I am thinking and praying for you!

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