divorce after almost 25 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
divorce after almost 25 years
28
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 9:11am
My husband fri, asked me for a divorce, no less on the phone. I am shocked, scared and I feel very alone. We have two daughters 22 and 19, shockingly seem to be ok with it. They are angry at me and talk to him. I can't understand this, I feel like I'm living in hell. He provides medical and I make a very small salary. I'm 44 and so damn scared...how will I make ends meet. How do you go on????

"This new  path I must lead will lead me to europhoria"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 7:29am

hello,


Yesterday I stayed out all day with a friend. I had the roller coaster of emotions again, Panic attack, popping xanax and that horrible doom in the pit of my gut.


I will be speaking with my lawyer next week. I dread that, I dread all of this.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 7:53am

I'm 45 and in a similar state.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Mon, 08-04-2008 - 11:49am

My kids also didn't understand why I was so emotional for so long. I had tried not to say anything around the youngest (25) and he was angry that I wouldn't share-he said "mom, dad did this to all of us,not just you". Wow out of the mouths of "babes". I talked to both and said you haven't been alive as long as I've been with your dad so it is impossible to really understand why it takes so long for me to get over- It truly is a grieving and I've read where it is easier to adjust to the death of a spouse than divorce because people do understand that grief.


You are doing the right things. Stay busy. Talk to your therapist. Have a list of questions ready when you see your lawyer-get on line to see what to ask if you're unsure because it is the unknown that is so scary and when you get some answers from a lawyer you will be better 'armed'.


Hang in there and know that many others are here for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
Wed, 08-13-2008 - 9:35am

I'm still sick. I can't believe I am in this situation. I work two days a week, always have. Hubby was the bread winner with the large ego. I am in

"This new  path I must lead will lead me to europhoria"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-13-2008 - 10:31am

It's definitely not easy.... especially when you haven't thought about it, really, or had some time to get comfortable with how life WILL WORK post-divorce, and really only some time behind you can help to ease that feeling.


We have extended holidays.... for instance, we celebrate birthdays for WEEKS... and Christmas, well, we spread that out for the entire week of Christmas, or weekends before and after... whatever works so that we can all be together at some point and time.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Wed, 08-13-2008 - 11:20am

After 10 months I still grieve for those same things it sounds like you are grieving for. But the anger has kicked in. Unfortunately it's not a linear process-I still have days I cry and wish this isn't where I was but much more often I wonder how I did not see things for the way they really were for so long. I am lucky that my STBX does not live in this house with me. That is really tough. At this point he has made himself out to be the victim in a divorce I never saw coming and that angers me. His attorney told me how much STBX suffered while I worked full time, went to grad school and did everything to run the household. I was going thru daily migraines and HE SUFFERED. That has made it so easy to be angry and stay angry.


I wish I could tell you that in a certain amt. of time this will be over with and you will feel so much better but everyone progresses and regresses thru the stages so differently. Two months ago I was still hurting so much and was stuck in the hopelessness of worrying about the future.


I have the house on the market (this was our "dream retirement home")-I've applied to transfer my teaching certificate (after retiring after 30 years) to another state and am working with a real estate agent in the area I am considering moving to. I still have panic attacks but being proactive is helping with those somewhat.


All I can say is to keep busy and know that this too shall pass. Definitely not as quickly as you'd like, but it will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
Wed, 08-13-2008 - 9:22pm

hi


Thank your for the wonderful advice. I'm just 3 weeks in knowing my husbands plan. I will get angry, I know I will, I'm still in shock still! Keeping busy is good and i've been doing that. My friends have been around

"This new  path I must lead will lead me to europhoria"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 2:12pm

I would go so far as say it throws not only rocks but boulders! I am sure it is easier when it is a mutual agreement or at least each party understands the reasons behind the divorce but when we're hit with this blast from nowhere it takes a lot longer to move forward. I've spent way too much time trying to figure out why this happened and I don't think I'll ever know. The reasons don't even matter so it is really about what do you do now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2008
Sat, 08-16-2008 - 3:02pm

Take the high road and do not talk negative about the girls dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2008
Sat, 08-16-2008 - 6:53pm

It DOES get better! It sounds like you have some friends and family members to lean on; they will help get you through this! I was married 27 years when I moved out with my 2 school-age children; only because he wouldn't leave. He had become obsessed with the internet and was living an alternate life on-line and it went on for almost 5 years before I finally had enough! He wouldn't give up his new-found life that he was living in chat rooms and such and I finally decided I couldn't live another 25 years in a relationship in which I didn't matter to my spouse.