divorce concerns
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divorce concerns
| Wed, 03-08-2006 - 8:14pm |
Going to try to make this as short as possible. It's a mess though. These boards have been a great source of comfort and information for me, so here goes. Been married for 30 years, husband left me to move to another state in September 2005. He made this announcement 2 weeks before he left. The week prior to him leaving he asked me many times to go with him, I declined because he made these plans without my knowledge, and they didn't include me. A month later I finally relented and moved there. I saw that he hadn't changed a bit, he was still up to his old tricks, women, girlfriends, etc. I found out about a few that he had here before he left me. I left there after almost a month, I have since filed for divorce. I'm going for everything, alimony, profit sharing, etc. Thank God we don't have any property at all. The grounds for divorce are adultry, desertion, and emotional abuse. I have stated that I want to remain on my husbands health insurance, he has very good coverage, I am unemployed at the moment. We have had problems for a few years now, he has cheated on me before, I forgave the first one, I won't forgive the ones after the first one. To make matters even worse, my husband told our 2 daughters about his girlfriends. This has really angered me. Insult to injury, before he left, he called my best friend and asked her if she ever would consider a relationship with him now that he was leaving me. My best friend felt so disgusted by his proposition, he made her feel dirty. Yes, she declined and has been a tremendous amount of comfort and support to me. He is now living the life of a male you know what, even though he left me, can I still use the fact that he's seeing other women, a lot more other women, as adultry still? I pray every day that with this new found anger in me, the tears will finally stop. Any advice is always a help.
rhea57@sbcglobal.net
rhea57@sbcglobal.net

Rhea, after 30 years of marriage, you must have so many emotions! I can't imagine having to deal with the cheating, girlfriends, desertion, etc. You must be one strong woman to be able to deal with this!
You mentioned you already filed for divorce, so I am assuming you have a lawyer, which is great. You asked if him seeing other women will impact your divorce case. From what my attorney has told me (now, keep in mind, this is in CT) it generally has very little impact on a case. Most judges want to split everything evenly. However, I would ask your attorney, as he/she would be better equipped to answer that question.
Other than that, how are you holding up emotionally? Do you have a good support system in place?
hugs....
i am glad that you have a good support system - you have good TRUE friends looking out for you, and your mom is letting you live with her.
remember that this will take time and patience. you will get thru this, you will come out a stronger person - i keep repeating this but its true.
meanwhile, can you look into therapy, or a support group in your area? maybe thru a community center, or church or something? its time for you to start doing for YOU. take it one step at a time - but make sure to start being good to YOU. even if its just taking a walk in the evening, or taking an extra long hot shower, getting some new-agey music to relax by, getting your make up done at a make up counter, doing things that make YOU feel better. as time goes on, you may want to look into taking classes in art or pottery.
hang in there. it will get better, come back as often as you need
Thanks for letting me ramble.
rhea
Oh, rhea, you're not alone in this. I think SO many of us put our families first and our careers and education second...and maybe our own needs a distant third or fourth. You have been such a giving person, but now it's time to take steps to care for YOU. Trust me, I know this is easier said than done. After you're in the same pattern for so many years, it's very difficult to break.
Your grandchildren sound wonderful. However, there are many moms out there that do have to pay for child care and do not have a family member that is as caring and helpful as you. If you need to find a different job that suites your needs, that's something you might want to think about.
I say it's RHEA TIME now! ;)
rhea - trust me, you are no different from a lot of other women out there - myself included. i got married when i was very very young (21) - i thought i was in love, but it was a difficult marriage. i divorced when my son was 3. i spent the next few years 'trying to get married' because that was how i was brought up - that women have to be married. i was raised to go to college and work - my mother worked - but it was 'to help out'.
in my second marriage - i was a real doormat. my husband needed a housekeeper, that was it. there was no love, affection , sex, he was very controlling and abusive but still - i didn't want to leave because i wanted to 'be married'. my life revolved around my husband and my son. my son was easier because he was more independent (he grew up with a working mom). but my husband..... anyway, i have told this story here before: i remember one of my great lightbulb moments. every morning, i had to leave really early (we lived in a town that was about an hour away from where i worked, idiot huband wasn't doing anything but 'pretending' to work - but refused to move to the other city which we have made my life easier, it was only after a few years that we moved). so - i would get up early, make my son's sandwiches for school (which i didn't mind doing, because that was the 'one' thing i did for my son), made my husband breakfat and lunch etc, because he was always on some kind of special diet or another - he was a pre-diabetic for a few years and then became a diebtic - which BTW he blamed on me... and then rush out of the house. so i would buy myself a cuppa coffee and bagel on the way to work. because i didn't have time to make *my* food. and then ----- my idiot husband would not eat the food for one reason or another, or he would leave the pot out and it would spoil so i couldn't eat it for dinner, and of course he would leave the plates out on the table. and one day i just snapped in my mind - and said that from now on - i am taking care of ME first, then son, then husband. and if i don't have enuf time for him - tough.
well, i think i went off on a tangent here - sorry. i just want you to know that you are not alone. people will tell you to do for *you* and you don't know how to do that, you will start feeling guilty, etc. but let me tell you - the way to get past this is to just DO something. just start small - one thing, one day. if you can't take care of your grandchildren - then you can't. it doesn't make you a bad person - it doesn't make you an unloving person - and it doesn't mean that you are showing your grandchildren anything but unconditional love. hugs....