Divorce Depression

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2007
Divorce Depression
6
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 1:54pm
We are going throught the divorce process now, the papers are signed and turned in. I have done everything I could think of to prolong it, but to no avail. I don't know how to get on with my life, without this man. Thinking about not seeing or talking to him, sends me into a panic attack. I want to call him all the time, but he's made it very clear, he's gone on with his life, and I should to. I keep doing things to make my self feel worse, like asking him about his dates, and found out he was on a on-line dating forum. I actually went on to see if I could find him....and yes he was right there. Cried for days! What can I do. I can't hardly get through the weekends. I don't want to call him, but he's like an addiction. As soon as I talk to him, I feel like I'm okay, then I talk to him, and I feel horrible again. I just wanted another chance with him, but he does not. I just wanted to be able to fix things, and I feel like a failure. I still love this man. Can anyone help me? How do I get past this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 1:58pm

Counseling counseling counseling. Then support group support group support group. Then doing things you enjoy--I know women who now run marathons etc. to cope with the loss, sadness, anger depression; others volunteer every minute they are not working; other clean their houses constantly, etc. Whatever it takes to take care of YOURSELF.

It won't happen over night; one woman in my support group has been separated for 2 years, and divorced for one of those two years and she just started the support group because she is plain "sad."

It takes time. Reach out to anyone but him!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:42pm

I understand what you are going through. What helped me was the book " Codependant No more" by Melodie Beatie.

Hope it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 3:21pm
I know how you feel and let me tell you from my exp. it takes time for me I took almost a year after my ex and I split up after 12 years. Back when we first split up I felt so alone, guilty, broken hearted, scared, torn, empty, and worth less. And what made it worse was the fact that I had loved this woman for most of my life we married at a young age and had three children together. I was lucky enough to have my son come and live with me and have my girls every weekend it was so hard to keep my mind on what was at hand. But as time passed I never stoped loving her I just grew to love another woman with whom I share my days with now. Everything works out for the best just remember that god has a plan for you and this was a part of it. I know it hurts like heck but hang in there you will make it and be fine. I wish you all the best of luck and take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 4:56pm

I felt exactly how you feel when my husband left. I was married for 16 years, its been alittle over a year now. I didn't know how I was gone to live without this man I loved for so long and still love today. Everything you mentioned it sound like me when he left. It was his choice to leave, and all the tears and pleased could not change his mind. we have 3 kids together, he left me when we just had a one week old baby. I know its hard right now for you, because you still love him, but believe me when I say it will get easier as time goes by. Hang in there girl. If you need someone to talk to, you can email me.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 10:32am
Hugs Pink! I wish I had the answers for you. I can tell you it does get easier with time. Take care of you during this difficult time. Have you considered some counseling? I go every other week and have for the last two years. I too feel like a failure and would give anything for a second chance. It's not going to happen though so slowly I am moving on. Sweetie it does get easier, I promise. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 9:36am

Pink,

I'm sending you ((((((hugs)))))))) today!!

You're post sounded as though you're in a really tough spot. I'm sorry your there right now.

My divorce, took 8 months, was over last Tuesday. My marriage? That was over years ago. This whole awful process, takes time. Give yourself the time that you need to grieve, be angry, remember good times, because no matter how awful our marriages were/are, there have been good times.

Right now? You're overwhelmed. It's tough not to be. Me telling you to just take it one day at a time, some times, one minute at a time, may sound shallow, or uncaring, but that's what you have to do. Knowing that someone who you loved with all your heart, doesn't love you anymore is soooo hard! Knowing that you, and it does take 2 people to make or break a marriage, messed up this relationship, probably one of the most important ones of your life, is hard to accept. I know, I've been there!!

Moving on takes time. It takes a different amount of time and effort for each individual. Working through the roller coaster effect of emotions that you have right now, seems unimaginable. But, you have a choice here. . . You can do that. Try to take it little pieces at a time, or just get overwhelmed by it all. Those of us who have gone through the whole process, are the only ones who can truly understand it all. Would I have thought even a month ago, that I could have gotten through this? No Way!! I was so stressed out. Couldn't eat, sleep or even think some days, just from the weight of it all. But, somehow, with support from my so, my friends here at ivillage, and basically by the grace of God, I got through it. Am I unscathed? Nope. But I know that I am in a better place w/o my x.

You mentioned that you've just begun the whole process. Remember that. It is a "process". It's a work in progress. So are you! Finding yourself again, after divorce, is tough. Having to face all of the issues that life can throw at us, alone is tough. Putting a good support system in place, for YOU, is key here. There will be times that you will be sad, angry, frustrated, and a whole myriad of other emotions. That's all part of the process. It's tougher for those who did not want the divorce. I'm on the other side of that.

Try to find things that you love to do, are interested in, and put yourself back out into life. Am I suggesting that you jump back into a relationship with someone? No!! You owe it to yourself, to work on yourself, and become the best person, best woman that you can be.

Right now, taking care of yourself is key. Eat, sleep, shower, even if you don't feel up to it. You need that physical strength to get you through. Believe me, I learned this one the hard way!!

When I first filed for divorce, and anyone who has read any of my other posts has already read this story, a good friend, who had gone through an awful divorce herself told me . . . "This will be like a nightmare roller coaster ride for you. One minute you're up, the next minute you're plunging into what feels like oblivion." Giving me that little tidbit, helped immensely. I realized that the gamut of emotion that I was having was "normal", whatever that actually is!lol I had to give myself permission to feel. I know it seems as though you're "feeling" all of the time. You are, it's perfectly normal.

Just know that you can, and will get through this. We're all here for you if you need us!!

Laurene