Divorce final 5/3 - Sad all over again

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Divorce final 5/3 - Sad all over again
12
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 10:00am

It was final 5/3. We are divorced. Within 6 months of hearing him on the phone with OW, we are no longer husband and wife.

We went out afterwards for lunch and few drinks. Got along like pals. Went to our old marital house to cook dinner on the grill for the kids and then planned on going home early. I begin harping on the same old SH**. Like why did he do this? When did you have sex with her? He tells me they had sex after I served him. I tell him things his friends confide in me. We both get upset. He tells me to leave (not so nicely). I start to pack up. He begs me not to leave this way. We end up talking and I give him a kiss goodnight. I try to call him when I get home. He doesn't answer. I took a day off yesterday with the kids to try and get my head together. He came to pick up the kids and didn't talk.

Now, as I drove into work today, I'm crying. I lost my friend. I just don't know how to move on. I've been out a few times and met some people, but I find something wrong. One guy basically told me the dating scene is different now and not many men will find a woman with 2 kids attractive. Another guy I met was nice to talk to but the sparks weren't there. I've been the counciling and to a therapist in the past. I know I have no self esteem at times. I know the tools to get over this but I'm stuck in this rut.

How do you move on when you lost the person you love? Sometimes I wish I was a widow so I could greive and move on. Life sucks sometimes.

Brenda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 10:15am
You obviously love your ex-husband even though he hurt you. I have just started the whole process three days ago. My husband asked for a divorce after being married for fifteen years. I also have two children. I cant say one way or another if my husband was cheating, he just fell out of love with me "a long time ago". I know that getting a divorce is the right thing because you cant be with someone who no longer loves you like their wife. But it hurts. I also feel like im losing a friend. It sounds like your ex is alot like my soon to be. He wants to be friends and be able to do things as a family and with his family even after the divorce. For the first two days I was hurt and angry but I decided that blaming him and hating him would only make things worse and it made me feel worse. By actually approaching this whole thing in a caring way and telling my "husband" that I dont want to lose his friendship, we have actually had better conversations than we have ever had. I had a break down for a few minutes at work and called him and he actually helped get me through it. I guess what i am trying to tell you is it will make you feel much better if you view your ex as being in this with you. Yes, he hurt you. But the past will not change. Trust me, you have to let go of the blame and let yourself care about him as a friend and the father of your children.
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 4:57pm

Hey there...

I'm sorry that you're feeling the way you are right now... it is completely normal, but that doesn't make it suck any less... I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and are hoping that you're having a better day today... let us know how you're doing!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 6:44pm
I am so sorry you are going through this as well. Believe me, I've had my ups and downs the last 6 months. It's just a really hard adjustment to make being a working mom and making sure my husband and kids had dinner on the table. Some of the things I enjoyed doing when I was a wife, I've lost interest in. I was really becoming quite a cook and now I barely turn on the stove. (Some of it is due to the kids baseball schedule and the traveling between ex's house and mine - the kids still go to school in the town we lived in until June). When I have the kids, I'm so preoccupied and don't have time to be depressed. When he has the kids, unless I go out, I just get sad. It's just hard that he has someone (everyone tells me its not going to last) and I don't want anyone else. I wish you the best in this whole process. Thanks for your kind words.
Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 6:48pm

Thanks-

I picked up the kids from baseball and I don't have time to be depressed. Right now, everything is for the kids. I know they are going through a rough time and I'm trying to make them as happy as possible. It's hard though, sometimes you want to blame the divorce for the problems, but in reality it's just a normal age thing all kids go through. It's hard to figure out the difference. Life can only get better I hope.

Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 7:02pm

Guess what. How you feel is so, so normal. Nope that doesn't help much. I will tell you this, one day you will look back on this time and be one proud gal. I firmly believe you should cry your heart out. Losing your pal this way is extremely hurtful. Then when the tears finally subside say, out loud, you wish him a great life. Do this each time. Grieve and then bid him farewell positively. Yep, I am suggesting replacing anger with positive thoughts. Our entire life is lived in our minds. Create a positive environment there and then you will be free to allow other positives in. No rush. Take as long as you need. Be happy for him and then one day you will be happy for you. By the way, sparks fly when least expected. Live and let live. Hanging out with gal pals can be rewarding with the right attitude.

Life sucks only if the mental environment sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 7:33pm
Reading your post made me cry at first. I reread it and you are right. I should wish him well. He is the father of my two kids. I do love him even though he did this to me. I'm just afraid of the unkown. I am a strong person. I will get over this. It will take time. Thanks for your post.
Brenda
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Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 1:50am

It sounds like you're equating moving on with dating.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 2:02am
I am so glad I am not alone in this. It does suck. I have been thinking about how was this my fault and what could I have done to change things. How do you not do that. Sometimes I wish my stbx was a terrible person so I could be glad to be rid of him. Does that sound crazy. I am dreading this whole thing. We have to live together right now because we need to sell the house and that is going to be hard. Just to see him everyday with things being the way they are, I dont know how I will get through. And to think of him dating just kills me. How do you stop thinking about someone you been with for over fifteen years as your husband?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 8:19am

I really love that advice! Often, how we perceive and react to situations has a great deal to do with how well we cope. When we think, "Oh my God, this is a disaster!!" it becomes a disaster. When we think, "OK, this is really hard, but I'm going to get through," that is usually the case. However, I realize that's easier said then done sometimes.

I think a couple more keys to recovering and moving on are being kind to yourself (stop beating yourself up with negative self-talk) and forgiving yourself for your mistakes. Also, permit yourself a certain amount of time per day to feel sad, angry, etc. After that, time's up! It is definitely a long hard road, and we can all expect backslides here and there, but that is part of the process. Down the road, we will all see how much stronger, wiser, and eventually, how much happier we have all become.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 12:16pm
Ok so I totally understand your feelings. My former and I were separated for almost three years. Although there was a revolving door -- in that three years a year and half was back together but he kept is own apartment.
He filed for divorce last March the divorce went through in August...we were still dating each other and more till the weekend before Thanksgiving when he told me he met someone on Match.com the beginning of November. In December and January he was still stringing me along. Being very touchy feely at drop off and pick up. February 26 the day after six month waiting period he married Match.com lady whom has two children two years apart two different dads. My son in one month went from seeing his parents kissing to finding out after the fact that his father is now married to someone else. Our son was not at the wedding. Even better they now bought a home(the home I originally wanted) 15 blocks from mine.
He just came this am to p/u our son for visitation and had to tell me about their upcoming trip to Napa for honeymoon.
I lied and said I was happy for him and glad to see he is getting what he wants. He replied glad to see I was getting what I wanted. I replied I am not getting what I want and the tears started all over.
Why cant I get over him???? I go to divorcecare every week and hear how I must put my fears and loneliness in His hands and He will take care of it. But I still feel empty. I question my faith. Maybe my husband sorry former is right maybe I am getting what I deserve. He told me just a couple of weeks ago that had I of loved him and not lived two lives we would have worked. Why did I have to be so selfish. See when we got back together my parents would not allow him at Holidays and my friends did not want him around so I would spend time with that group and then spend time with him but neither the two paths should cross. I just was to selfish to give up my family.
So I know this isnt much help more of a vent back.
I have tried dating but every man has told me I am still hung up on my former.
I just keep thinking it has to get better. I see people all around me that are thriving after divorce. I just want the pain to go away.
I think the ultimate reality was a couple of weekends ago at our sons ballgame he and his new family showed up and the new Mrs. and him had to have huge PDA moment while I sat alone in the stands.
I think being a widow would be so much easier I would no longer have to see him at least. I feel such a black whole in my heart. He was the only man I ever said I love you to. I miss having my best friend here.
We somehow must find hope.

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