divorce just finalized...Ex marrying OW
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| Fri, 08-04-2006 - 8:54am |
I am 33 years old. Six and a half months ago, after 10 and a half of years of marriage and 12 and a half years together, I discovered that my husband (same age as me) had been having an affair with one of the secretaries from his office for the past year, and that she was 2 and a half months pregnant with his twins. What hurt the most about this betrayal is that I am infertile and there is only a one percent chance I will ever conceive children. There was a twelve year age difference between my ex-husband and the OW (he was 31 and half and she was 19 and a half when the affair started) She had just graduated from junior college and had just began working at his office and he claims that he didn't mean for anything to happen with her, but there was just this chemistry and attraction between them he could not ignore. As soon I found out about the affair I filed, and we were divorced within six months. Ex-husband missed showing up for court near the end because OW went into labor. She gave birth to twin boys 5 and half months into our divorce proceedings. Ironically our divorce became final on the anniversary of the day ex-husband and I met, and on the day we got married.
A week ago, only two weeks after our divorce became final my ex-husband and the OW got married (their twins had just turned one month old) I am not dealing with this very well. I know I shouldn't be jealous, but I hate the OW and am so jealous that she is pregnant, that she got to marry the man that I love and have his children. To top it all off, my ex-husband has been getting on my case because I didn't divorce him quickly enough for him to marry his mistress before the twins were born (though my ex-husband has no living relatives, the OW's family are somewhat religious and they hate him and disowned her for having an affair with a married man and get pregnant out of wedlock) even though all through the divorce he claimed that he loved me and was just going along with it because it was what I wanted. He says if he could have married OW before she gave birth, then the situation would have been somewhat made right in her family's eyes. He is also angry at my because OW wanted a dream wedding with lots of people, however many people (including most of her family) refused to attend because they disapproved of the situation, and my ex blames me because I "played the victim and vilified them too much" I know I did nothing of the sort and that none of this is my fault and I shouldn't let him manipulate me, however I am so miserable about my situation that I am almost starting to believe him. I have cut off all contact with him, and I want to try and move on. The apartment my ex-husband and I shared for eleven years is being torn down (so I have to move anyway) and I would like to move into a new place and sell the car we shared (which I got in the divorce) and buy a better one, however I am scared to move on. I am starting to regret kicking him out and filing for divorce. I still cannot bring myself to take off my wedding ring and although I hate my ex-husband I miss him so much, and I hate his mistress and am so jealous of her. I am so heartbroken and I am not sure if I can survive this.
Edited 8/4/2006 9:02 am ET by butterfly_wings_blue

First of all You will survive this.
Second of all, this is not your fault.
And third of all, your exhusband is simply portraying the same selfish behavior he did within your own marriage. Don't kick yourself for divorcing him. I think that was the best thing you could have ever did, this is NOT a nice man.
I myself was cheated on, my husband left me and married his mistress within months of our divorce being absolute. They were divorced themselves within 3 years.
As far as any of their problems being your fault, her family would have still disowned her, her getting pregnant by a married man and embarrassing her family she and he did that all on their own you had no part of that decision making process. You were not PLAYING a victim, you WERE a victim of their deceit, betrayal and just plain bad behavior.
I would A) change my phone number to an unlisted phone number. B) change my cell phone number and not give it to anyone that could not be trusted to not give it to him C) make it clear to him, you divorced him for a reason, you two no longer have ties to each other (ie children) therefore for him to start his new life with his blushing bride and to leave you alone or if he continues harrassing you, you will be forced to call the police.
You are no longer required to listen to his abuse. You are not married to him, he doesn't control you, and you do not have to sit and listen to his garbage that he spews at you. So don't.
I hope that you will go to counseling. You are a worthwhile human being, don't let this piece of garbage make you feel like anything less than the beautiful human being you are. You are not the reason for their problems. Her family doesn't accept their poor behavior because of the affair and the pregnancy as the result of the affair, that has NOTHING to do with you getting a divorce too late for them to get married before she had the baby, that wouldn't null and void the affair that resulted in the pregnancy. If he wants to gain face time with her family, maybe he should look in the mirror and start making some changes in his poor behavior and by doing that he needs to start taking responsibility for his actions and stop pointing fingers at the wrong people.
Smile,
Deirdre
You will survive this. Just as I did and we all did. Im myself am in a hell of a mess right now as I have done something that I shouldnt have never done and i cant take it back.
When things ended with my ex and me I thought I'd never survive. I did. I prayed alot, read, religiously visited this web site and little by little I became stronger. I got over him and his hurt and betrayal. You will too. The mess Iam in now, I learned that I wasnt quite as strong as I was. But that which doesnt kill you makes you stronger remember that. You will get through this.
I'm so sorry that you're going through such a horrible time. Your ex sounds like a total louse. I can't believe he had an affair with a teenager, didn't use protection, got her pregnant and THEN BLAMED YOU for not divorcing him quickly enough. He sounds horrible and you're lucky to be rid of him. You deserve so much more than this.
It must be excruciating to see this skanky chick who slept with your husband be pregnant when you were not able to conceive. Consider how sad it would have been to bring a child into the world with a man who was cheating on you. It would have doomed your child to a life with a father that is a liar and cheat. Now you have the chance to find a good man and make a family with him. If you can't conceive naturally there are other ways to create a family: in-vitro, adoption etc.
Those poor twins are going to be raised by a mother who cheated with a married man. The odds are against that marriage surviving especially since she was way too young to get married and now she's going to be raising twins. Don't let that louse of a man try to return to you when that marriage fails.
Be strong. Things will get better. Check in often and garner strength from the strong women on this board.
Hugs.
I am sorry that you aren't dealing with this well. Actually I can honestly say you are not alone in this area. What happened with your ex is by far not your fault. It was not you who had an affair with another woman. Don't let him make you believe that this is all your fault because really what he's doing is trying to hide from his own faults. I know it is upsetting to know that your ex and ow are marrying and have their happy little family. Everything may be hunky dory right now but rest assure it won't always be that way. A friend of mine who is a psychologist told me someone's future behavior is based on his past behavior. Chances are high that he will do what he did to you to her. And as young as she is, I wouldn't be surprise that it is her that steps out. She's still young and haven't experience the world. She'll get to the point in her life when she'll want to and realize that she missed a lot in her life getting married so young.
I share you pain and agony. My STBX had an affair with someone who I thought was my friend. I'm not really sure when they started their affair but I think it is safe for me to say that they were together while STBX was still with me. A couple of months ago, OW has a baby that could possibly be STBX. This is all less than a year after that STBX were talking about starting our own family. I am not able to have children but we were going to try other ways to have children. Little did I know he was already trying to build his family just not with me. They now live together in a house that was bought by my STBX. He made us lose our house that we were having built to buy a house with her. Within the past few months almost a year it seems like my whole life turned upside down. And the two people that caused it aren't even remorseful for what they did. I pray that some day they get back the pain they gave me. The same will happen with your husband. It is just a matter of time.
wow, butterfly, i certainly can relate to your story, and empathize with you very, very much. but please know that you can turn your wings "new" ... please take this time to heal and reflect, but just know that the universe is oh-so just and once your time comes around, you'll have "true" happiness with a loving person who will build a whole, cherished family with you.
my STBX's cruelty is equal to your EX's ... after many, many years of NOT supporting me through our incredibly challenging bout with infertility, he oh-so happily informs me this past april that he can't wait to divorce me so he can start a family with skank GF (he knew at that time for 4 months vs. me, who he's known for 14 years); his words still hurt, along with other lengthy comparisons of me to her: she's intelligent, loves him unconditionally, supports him and understands him, which he says i never did, which is a huggggeeee LIE--my support went beyond any wife should render to the point of losing our 6,000 sq.ft. home, another home that we owned behind our primary residence, land, my job, etc., coupled with putting up with a majorly absent husband who preferred his friends, golf, clubbin', alcohol, and now skank GF to ME!!
so, i say, keep your head up (i KNOW it's difficult), but your EX's extremely poor choices and brutual betrayal is NOT your fault--he is to blame & his conscience will eat him alive for it--the "sweet young thang" and those twins can only pacify him so much, he'll have to live with his own ghosts & judging by the substantial way he has hurt you, his demons will be LEGION!! and take solace in knowing that he's not a "new" person, the honeymoon can last so long; once reality kicks in regarding the "cost" of those twins, i know, i have TWINS, ohhhh, there's gonna be some rumblings coupled with when "sweet young thang" starts to "find herself" and gets restless & wants to step out on him like he did you. ... like i say about my STBX, who on every occasion tells me how "happy" he is with skank GF (nice ... given the fact that he's disconnected himself completely from his own DSs), the only thing that's changed about STBX's behavior is the area code in which it's now located--let skank OW deal with that crap, we're worth more than that.
so, grab your boots, they are made for walkin' -- into a positive future, don't let him take that away from you ...