Divorce but living together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Divorce but living together?
5
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 10:18am
I posted earlier about me catching my H in the act of cheating. I had fallen out of love about a year and a half ago, so the shock of it wasn't all that intense for me. In fact, I could care less, its just justification for me that all those times in our 13 yrs of marriage when I thought he was cheating he was. I have asked him to leave and he won't. He has moved to the basement. The kids don't know anything. No one can believe that hes still living with me, and can't believe how it doesn't bother me. Well confession time, I also cheated about a month ago. So i am feeling extreme guilt over it. How can I take him for all hes worth when I've gone out and done the same thing? Everyone is supporting me and saying how awful it is that hes cheated and how could he do it, i just sit there in guilt saying i did too. I guess thats why I haven't proceeded to quickly on kicking him out. Has anyone ever lived to gether but got divorced? Our marriage is totally over, but I think i could live with him for the sake of our children for now. I am just starting school in Sept so this is all overwhelming, we can't agree on nothing. There fore we need lawyers which are 2500 just to speak to one, money i don't have. Any ideas??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 11:11am

Hi there.... I lived with my then-STBX while we were divorcing.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 1:01pm
Yeah, I did this (lived together after divorce). In my opinion, it works until one of you gets a new love (my ex has a new gf; I'm still single). Then it sucks and communication all but ceases. Best of luck to you and keep us updated -- Love Fzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 2:31pm

I don't really have anything to add. We're "separated" but living together and it is very hard for me. STBX is moving out on 11/1 and I for one can't wait. I would look into the legal aspects of it but if it works for you and your kids, I don't see any reason not to. I do know that you can't do that in NC, but in some states you can.

Kate

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 12:07pm


I am still living with my husband. I filed for divorce yesterday. I have asked him to leave. He won't. He is economically destitute and won't leave until I give him his money, and we need to get our marriage settlement agreement finalized beforfe I do that. For me, now that I've filed, living with him is easier. I don't look at him and say "there's my husband and he should be doing xxx." He isn't my husband anymore!!!!

I have an almost one year old daughter so having extra hands around now and again is helpful. There are things I hate about it, like him staying out late and then making a lot of noise when he comes home. How dare he not respect the household when I'm footing all the bills and letting him stay here? I can't wait for him to leave but I'm able to deal with it for now.

It will not be a long term thing, however, and when everything is final and the house is no longer tied up as community property, if he still doesn't leave I will be more aggressive and call the police to get him out if I have to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 9:03pm
Hi, my girlfriend (whose divorce was final a few weeks ago) lived with her stbx for 8 mths during the whole procedure. He had moved out and they couldn't afford it so he moved back in. At first, she said she was very stressed. She had an OM and her stbx knew about him. She said she was always feeling sneeky, then she just got to the point where she said she wasn't going to lie anymore and just started telling him where she was going and who she would be with. They have two kids together. She said during the last month, it was frustrating having him there but otherwise, it worked for them. Good luck. As for the guilt thing, let it go. We all do things we regret and if the marriage was emotionally over anyhow, your affair did no harm. I don't know about the taking him for what he is worth bit, but take him for what you need for your kids sake. Affair or not, that is his responsibility. I am dealing with a similar situation in that our marriage had been bad for years but when I met someone else, who, for what is worth, I never even kissed until my stbx moved out and we agreed we were getting divorced. Anyhow, he now feels this OM is the reason for the divorce, refuses to take any blame and feels he owes me nothing. We have three kids and as of last week, he has contributed $65 to our finanaces in 3 mths. He did just a friend of the court wake up call though. Ok, advice though, I am in a no fault state so it didn't matter what the divorce reasons were. NO MATTER HOW GUILTY you feel, do not tell him about your cheating. My counselor and several friends told me this, but I felt the need to be honest and it was a huge mistake. Not only does he try to use it against me in court (like I said it doesn't really count in our state but might in yours. If you were both at fault, would you be awarded less vs. him being more at fault? I don't know) but also, it is very hard to get him to see the real reasons our marriage failed because all he can think about is the OM. It was emotionaly very hard for him and he can't see what he ever did wrong, along with his family. I gained nothing other than my feeling less guilty and it cost me many problems. Good luck.