Divorce is over, now I'm starting to deal with the emotions
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|Thu, 11-15-2012 - 6:38pm|
My divorce has been final for a month now, and I guess I'm just starting to deal with all the emotional junk. I am feeling pretty angry that it was so easy for my ex to leave, as if the kids and I meant nothing. I don't miss him, mind you, but I'm mad. My older son is severely depressed, took a medical leave of absense from school, and has moved in with a friend. My ex has raised the kid since he was 18 months old, but once he decided to leave ME, he pretty much abandoned my son, too. After he went on his tirade and threatened to kill him and all. It's no wonder the poor kid is having problems, with all that and loosing both of his grandmothers within 6 months of each other. It's overwhelming for ME to deal with, but he's just a kid. I guess beyond having the stress of worrying about my kids, the house, and having all of the responsibility for everything now totally on me, I'm also suffering from a huge blow to my self esteem. I know, how stupid for me to feel like I'm a piece of crap just because my mentally unstable ex husband left me, but who can ever be rational with feelings? I just feel like no ones ever going to want to be with me for who I am. All of our problems can't be exclusive to him, so there's things that I need to work on, but where to even start? I don't even know how normal people act anymore after living with someone who is bipolar for so long! I have a lot of divorced friends and for the most part, they have decided to avoid relationships all together and just sleep around with men, using them for sex. I'm not comfortable with that at all, as I'm a terrible casual sex person. I mean, sex is just sex to me, I don't get it all confused with love or anything, but I have to LIKE someone before I can sleep with them or it just sucks, so what's the point? Besides all that, diseases! One of my girlfriends doesn't even use ANY protection, not even birth control pills; she's not a close friend, but come on! I have been out with a few guys, but sex is all they want, and I need more than a weekly sex date to make me happy. Plus, in the next month, we have Thanksgiving and then Christmas, which is going to suck, as my little one with be with his dad and the older one promised my niece he'd go up and spend Christmas with her, so I'm working. Plus, I'm turning 40. And I'm alone. It's a strange feeling; not exactly the end of the world, but not where I expected to be at this point in my life. I guess I need to figure out what the heck I want from my life now, make all new plans, have new dreams, etc. It's a huge pain in the butt! I realized this when I was at my friend's house and saw that he and his room mate were making "dream boards" as part of a new investment they are involved in. It hit me that I didn't even KNOW what my dreams were or even if I had any at this point. It made me cry like an idiot.
Any advice would be great, because at this point, I want to build my life on ME, not on what some man wants, you know? Only I have no idea what I want, so I don't know where to start. I know I don't want to be like a coworker who built her entire life on her youngest son, thinking he'd never leave her, lol. I KNOW my kids will always love me, but I have prepared them to live their own lives, and I'm confident they will not need me every minute of the day, so I need my OWN life. So far, I've been able to get a circle of friends, which I really haven't had since high school, I have a good job already, and things I like doing, but I know there has to be more to life than this, like where do I want to live, what are my goals for myself, what do I want to accomplish, things like that. I've always been very goal-oriented, working on improving myself and learning new things, but for the last year or two, I have just been trying to survive the day, so I feel lost and I don't like it. How the heck do you get back on track, or even know which track you want to be on after losing, essentially, your entire life? It is really overwhelming and it sucks, and because of that, I'm mad at my ex. I know, I'm silly, but I don't care; that's how I feel. Like I want to punch him in the throat for putting me in this position, though, at the same time, I'm SO glad he's not here!