divorce question for moms of children

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
divorce question for moms of children
9
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 11:59am
When you decided to divorce did you feel a feeling of sadness? i love my husband so much but its gotten so outta hand with him,hes verbally abusive,he doesnt do anything but work,watch tv,eat,and go fishing,and gawk at other women,im tired of him and want to move on and be happy,but im scared of what it might do to daughter,she cries when we argue and even speak of leaving eachother,i try not to argue in front of her but he does it anyway and did i mention he gives my daughter no time,i want to leave but i love him so much,i tried,counseling,talking to him,changing myself,nothing works hes just taken everything for granted,did your husband move on with someone else?did the jeal;ousy kill you,or did it hurt knowing he was treating the new women better than he did you?i want out but i wish it didnt affect my daughter,sometimes i think she will get over it and she will move on,and she will still have her daddy,and that life is too short i deserve to be happy and one day she will marry and understand why i did what i did,that yes my child is important but i think im doing more damage by staying here and her witnessing us argue,then we have good days and it makes me think twice,was it scary for you?was it hard at first?and will the pain go away.
Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 12:18pm

When I decided to divorce I felt more of elation and relief than sadness. I did however feel sadness for my children because I knew that it would hurt them to know that their dad and I were no longer going to be married. What kept the feeling from being overwhelming was knowing that although the children would have a difficult time at first, in the long run my divorcing their father was a very good thing for all of us. I would no longer be portraying a bad relationship as normal. I would no longer show my children that a wife is the sole supporter of the entire household - financially, physically, emotionally and otherwise. I hope that my decision to leave their dad will help ensure that neitehr of them fall into the roles that their father and I were in. It felt good to take those steps forward. I wish you much luck on your journey.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 12:24pm

You are absoulutely right! You have every right to be sad... you committed to spend your life, and raise your child(ren) with this man. You are also very right about your daughter. As a mom partial to girls (I have 2 girls, no boys), I feel that the worst thing we can do to our children (other than the obvious abuse, neglect, etc) is subject them to viewing US (mom) be mistreated. They will grow to believe this is the right way to be in a marriage, and allow themselves to be treated as we were. I have 2 girls, 9 and 3, and have been separated since Oct 2004. I've gone from SAHM in a miserable marriage, to a happy full time working mom. My girls are happy, and are doing great. I have been dating someone for 11 months, and my 9yo is constantly saying how sweet my boyfriend is (in fact, my girls call him "Sweet Mike"), and how happy I am, and how nice is is that Mike does X, Y, or Z for me, etc. This reinforces to ME that my children were being done a disservice by watching their father(who treats them fairly well) be verbally abusive, neglectful, disrepsectful, and sometimes downright nasty to me. I want my girls to look for someone who treats them with respect, love, kindness, etc.

Please stick around, this is a great bunch of people (a few guys included) that will help you see things from different angles.

Feel free to contact me directly if you care to chat.

Kerry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 1:53pm
My opinion may not count here because I did not want the divorce. Did I feel sadness? Yes. To the point of being suicidal some days. Did your husband move on with someone else? Not really yet. I find myself being terribly jealous and upset at his moving forward without me. The jealousy is killing me. It is more painful than you can imagine to watch the man you have loved for 20yrs go on and be happy without you. Especially when you tried everything to make him change his mind and come home. This divorce is also killing my children. One is so angry and the other is in tears all the time. Their grades aren't as good and they aren't the happy little children they once were. I have two boys 10 and 12. Everything is so serious to them. They aren't just enjoying their lives and playing like kids.
Married people argue, it's a fact. It's normal. I have read a book recently that I would like you to read. It's called "Love must be tough" by Dr. James Dobson. It might help you make up your mind.
Being divorced is very scarey. I spend everyday worried about money, my children, and being alone the rest of my life. They tell me the pain will go away, but I can tell you now that the shock is over the pain is much worse for me. I hope I live through this.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 2:20pm
Was is scary? YES!
Was it hard at first? YES!
Will the pain go away? YES!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 6:52pm

i have two sons, 9 and 11. my ex and i split up 1 1/2 yrs ago. the marriage was long over, but it was his decision to leave. i was relieved and optimistic. however, it was hard. my ex apparently met someone before the marriage ended -- before we split and quickly built a life with her. that was tough. the fact that he was so willing to start over and get in deep so fast was tough. the fact that he wouldn't agree to marriage counselling while we were married was tough. yes, there's definitely a huge adjustment and a ton of emotions you've never experienced before in store for you. some days you'll feel great and a week later get into a funk for no apparent reason.

here are the good things. while my kids were definitely devastated at the prospect of our divorce, they have adjusted very well. our household is a happy one. it's relaxed. there's a lot of laughing. i am happy again -- what's better than a happy mother. their father is happy now and actually is taking an interest in them these days. yes, they have a girlfriend of his to deal with whenever the see him; they live together, but they seem to like her well enough now even though they cried when they had to meet her. i truly think their lives are better now that their parents are happy. i wasn't too sure about this before the split. now, i know. they just both got their best report cards ever. they're happy, involved and have a lot of friends. i think the key is to put them first. it's not only the right thing to do, but you'll end up feeling virtuous -- hey feeling good any way i can here. as for me, my life has opened up. i feel very free. i feel live i've gotten myself back.

hope this helps. good luck and keep us informed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 6:44pm

I worry about the effects this might had on my son, even though he's only 3months old! My parent's are divorced, since I was 13. It was hard to deal with, but for the best. My mom and dad did nothing but fight, all the time. We all got over it eventually, I'm not saying we didn't get a little messed up along the way(teen years) But my mother did all she could. She stayed for 13yrs. I can't stand being around him more then a few hours. And now I find myself married to a man alot like him, who treats his kids alot like my dad treated us. And I CANNOT stick it out for 13yrs.

Bottom line, it will hurt your daughter, but it will hurt her more to see her mother unhappy and treated badly. This sets an example to her about her future realtionships. It's better for her to have a happy, independent, strong mother, who isn't looking for happiness in a man that won't be provided.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Wed, 01-11-2006 - 2:13pm
I can tell you I asked myself the same things. My girls are fine with our decision. My son on the other hand started having trouble sleeping, having voilent outbursts, ect. He is haveing a very hard time dealing with it all. I did finally realize that he has been reacting the way he has because that is how his Daddy reacts to things. It finally hit me that I don't want my son growing up seeing his Dad treat people the way he does and think it's ok and people are just suspose to put up with it. My stbx doesn't spend much time with the kids and gets very easily frusterated when he is with them. I want a better life and example for my kids. I know it will be hard for a while but I also know that they will be happier in the end in a happy, calm home where we don't all have to walk on eggshells. Your happiness does effect your chillds. She needs a happy Mom, weither it's with or without your husband.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 9:42am

It was hard until I realized that:


I wasn't being the mom I wanted to be because I was sad, upset and frustrated.


I didn't want my children to grow up thinking that you had to settle for something just because you made a "commitment", but that commitments can... and should.. be updated when situations change, that it's better to be flexible and know when things need to change rather than to dig in and stand your ground just because you made a promise..... because life happens.


I truly felt in my heart that my children would have better quality time with both of us if we weren't living together... and I was right.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 3:58pm
I had all your fears. I was a stay at home mom for a long time and went back to work a couple years ago because I knew I would eventually leave my miserable marriage. I was married for 21 years, with the last 6 years being intolerable. I did the same thing you did such as trying to talk to him, trying to change myself, marriage counseling, etc. and he was still a butt to me. I moved out Sept. 1st and it has been a very slow adjustment process, but I really am doing better with each passing day. I have even gone out on some very fun dates in the past month. I do NOT miss him at all and I wish he would find a girlfriend so he would get off my back. My children (ages 16 & 12) seem to be adjusting quite well and they have found my place to be a refuge away from his tirades. They do not have to see their mother being yelled at and crying anymore. My only regret is that I didn't leave years ago. Life is too short to be so miserable. If you feel you have tried your hardest to work out your marriage and gave it your all and it's still miserable, you may want to consider cutting your losses and moving on. That's what I did. Good luck to you, Belinda