Divorce is scary.....
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Divorce is scary.....
| Fri, 03-16-2007 - 9:19pm |
We've been separated for about 7 months, and I didnt see it coming. It's been so painful, but we are going forward with a divorce b/c he does not want to reconcile, and I have finally gotten some of my self-respect back, and stopped asking.
We have some sort of settlement conference coming up, and I am scared to death. I've been a SAHM for 7 years, so I haven't worked in all this time. He has all the money, etc., and he's a lawyer on top of it all.
How scary is this process? Besides being hurt, I'm feel like I'm supposed to have figured out what I am going to do with my life in these 7 months, and I'm just starting to feel human again. UGH.

I am sorry you have to go through this. You do have your own attorney, right? (whose bills will be paid by your H). Having someone guide you through it does help, since you should know what your options are going forward.
Stay on the board, it does help.
M.
Are you using the courts, or mediation? How old are your children? Are you planning on returning to work? Are you going to be able to stay in your current home? How are the children dealing with it? Do you think he is going to provide reasonable spousal and child support? I assume you have worked out with your attorney what you want in that regard and with regard to a share of his penions/retirment, equity in the house etc.
Sorry for all the questions, but we are in similar situations and I am eager to hear what others in similar situations are doing/planning, especially with regard to being a sahm and having young kids and how to survive/when to go back to work etc.
My stbx is not a lawyer, but it is still a very difficult situation. More than anything in the world I want to stay home with my 6 yo and soon to be 5 yo! I think it is the greatest gift I can give them and they are being robbed by their father's incredible selfishness. I was in school all day today and last night because I have to return to work; I was so overwhelmed with that and divorce deadlines that I got the start of a birthday party wrong for today ... tried to reach my stbx to tell him so he could get our dd there on time ... he forgot his cell phone!!! This is what divorce brings -- and in the end, the kids are the ones hurt the most; but for the divorce I wouldn't have been in school, overwhelmed by divorce stuff and so distracted that I got the party time wrong -- who got hurt ... my dd.
Ok, pardon my rant--hardly a welcome, but I am very interested to hear more of your story and am willing to share mine.
M (the other one)
Thanks for sharing your story! I have 2 girls that are 4 and 7. I am going to have to go back to work, but I'm not sure when. It's hard b/c I have been out of the workforce for so long -- I don't even know where to begin! The internet was just really coming into use when I left work! I would also have to arrange childcare for both b/c my 4 year old is not in school full time yet, and the older one is done by 3:00. STBX could care less that they will have to go to childcare -- he tells me everyone does it. I don't mind working (it will probably be good for me), but if we were still together, it would have been part time.
We don't have much worked out yet. He gives me money each month so far, not court-ordered. I think (after reading and hearing about others), I've been lucky with that. He's getting annoyed that he has to do it though, and keeps bugging me to get a job. I am going to wait until my lawyer tells me to do that, though. This settlement conference is probably pre-mature, but we are going to see what he says. Being that he is a lawyer, he thinks he can control everything -- not even wanting to fill a case information statement out. I have no idea of what he has, so I really can' settle until I know everything. I am going to have to value his business, and check out his bank accts., etc. It's going to make him so angry, but I don't think I have a choice. It's my future and my girls future.
Anyway, I don't know if I'll be able to stay in the house. I don't think I could ever afford it on my own, so I'm not sure how that works. If we can't stay here, I would at least like to stay in the same town, so my girls can continue in the same school. I totally agree with you -- that the kids are the ones who suffer the most. My STBX does not even acknowledge that the girls are having a hard time with it or that it would affect them at all. My life and their whole life has changed so quickly. I wasn't prepared for divorce at all, and am finally able to make it through most days without crying.
I could type a book (obviously!!) and I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. It's such an ugly process. Feel free to ask anything. Do you have things all worked out? It's so overwhelming, isn't it?
A
He's getting annoyed, is he? Says "get a job," does he? So, why was he so in favor of having a sahm for a wife before? Why is it not the best for his children now? Because his selfish desires are more important to him than his children's welfare ... ok, that is my opinion of *my* stbx :-), but sounds like yours, too.
I hope your lawyer has requested disclosure of all finances. Your stbx could be hiding assets left and right (not to be freaking you out). You are right, you are lucky to be getting $ -- we don't have enough to support two households and yet my stbx wants out right away before we have anything settled and when there clearly isn't enough money and he wants to live in a very expensive area and at some distance from his 2 dds and NOT have a car!!!
My girls are almost 5 and 6 1/2. They don't know yet. They are both in 1/2 school (kindy and preschool); one mornings, one afternoons, so there is no daycare arrangement that would fit that scenario other than a pricey nanny with a car and I am free labor, ya know. I could pull my preschooler out of her beloved preschool and her life-long friends and put her in all day (9 hours!!!!!) institutional daycare and have some sort of different daycare place pick up my other dd from school for another 7 hours -- but, for me, that would be a nightmare for my children in any circumstances, but especially after their father walked out on them. Not to mention, it isn't practical to think, after almost 7 years out of the job market I could get a job that fast.
You said: "I totally agree with you -- that the kids are the ones who suffer the most. My STBX does not even acknowledge that the girls are having a hard time with it or that it would affect them at all. My life and their whole life has changed so quickly. I wasn't prepared for divorce at all, and am finally able to make it through most days without crying."
You could have been describing my situation. My stbx is completely indifferent to the suffering his actions have caused and will cause -- it is ALL ABOUT HIM!!!! If his children are impoverished and I am put under huge stress and carry 90% of the responsibilities for everything -- so what? He's free to be the creative, fabulous, brilliant juvenile he was always meant to be before he saddled himself with adult responsibilities. Who needs to be an adult--just let the X wife carry the load and the kids -- well "they'll be fine if we just tell them we love them and it isn't their fault" sixteen million times.
Sorry, but I think my stbx is committing a grievous sin and as much as I know God is a forgiving God, I cannot imagine there isn't an eternal punishment for this type of sin.
I hope you get enough money that you can take your time returning to work, so you can find something that works with your girls' schedule and your talents. It is very appropriate to ask for spousal support for several years as well as child support and you merit a %age of his assets and retirement etc. unless there was a pre-nup. But, I am not a lawyer so I better stop saying that stuff. Just make sure your lawyer is 100% supportive and gonna work hard to get you everything you need to take care of yourself and your girls.
M