divorce shame?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
divorce shame?
16
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 2:59pm

I read this article, and it really spoke to me:

http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22087/22955/?CMP=KNC-DC_YSM_6

Divorce was the right answer for me, but I still feel ashamed of it. I never thought I would be one of those people. Now I am.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: tall_mom
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 3:09pm
I didn't read the article yet but I know exactly how you feel. It's sad that half of the marriages in this country end in divorce and with that statistic you would think there would be less shame, but I think (especially in the church) there is still so much disgrace. My pastor actually proved that in his sermon this weekend (kind of made me mad). Then being a single parent along with it... ugh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
In reply to: tall_mom
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 3:25pm
It's a pretty short article. Thanks for your reply. It is nice to know I am not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
In reply to: tall_mom
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 3:36pm

I feel the same way. I don't want to get divorced, I want to work it out but he doesn't. So that adds to the feelings of failure.

It's not that I think getting a divorce is wrong. It is just that I can't believe I didn't see this coming and couldn't do anything about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
In reply to: tall_mom
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 3:42pm
I send you some strength during this hard time for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: tall_mom
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:31am

Tall,


I had the very same thoughts as you (and those expressed in the article) when I divorced nearly 10 years ago.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
In reply to: tall_mom
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 11:29am
Hi Tall,
I feel exactly the same way. I could've written that article.
I was 35 when I married and SURE that I had made the right choice. I guess I did at the time and I have a wonderful DS to show for it. However, I am also ashamed by this. I was an adult child of divorce and would be damned if it would happen to me too...I saw what my mom went through, hence the waiting til 35 to marry. Now, here I am, just about 8 years later, cheated on, made a fool of and almost done with the "process" of the divorce. I can't imagine dating anyone new, let alone marrying again. Even when I'm in a social situation and people I haven't seen in a while ask how my STBX is and I tell them the story, I feel like I hang my head. Whether I do or not, literally, I don't know, but I feel like crawling under a rock. I'm sure that these feelings will lessen with time, but knowing that in my heart doesn't change the way I feel right now. I have 2 very close friends, one divorced for 10+ years and the other in the middle, like me. They don't seem to have the guilt or shame that I feel. Maybe it will dissipate, I sure hope so. I'm sure I made the right choice in kicking the big fat cheater to the curb, because I will never trust him again, but why is it me who has to suffer the shame?
If you find out the answer, let me know.
Thanks for sharing.
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: tall_mom
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 12:34pm

Wisdom,

Wow, you wrote:

<<<<>>>>

i had a close friend who supported me up until i filed for divorce. then POOF!! she was gone. i had only known her for 4 years, but we did alot together. she turned 40 a few weeks after i filed and her husband did not invite me out to dinner because "it was for couples only". I was very hurt. She then found out that while my jobless, drunk, useless stbx was drunk on the couch, i got involved with another MM. Big mistake on my part, but she judged me very harshly. Instead of listening as she did in the past, she pushed me out. i was mentally and emotionally devestated at this point in my life. just like a 10th grader, she has tried to take a few friends with her, (even taking them away on a girls weekend! MY/OUR friends, we were all very close, or so i thought.) her harshness to me forced me to come clean regarding my A because she made me feel like i owed everyone an explanation and an option to support me "but only if they knew the truth and understood that i wasn't a helpless victim" unbelievable.

anyway, back to the article. i don't feel defined by the title of divorcee, but i do feel as though people look at me differently. men propostion all the time, thinking i must be a horny divorcee, women cling to their men a little tighter, and others look at me as though its the worst thing in the world. i wanted this divorce, i could no longer be married to an alcoholic.

so moving forward............

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
In reply to: tall_mom
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 3:43pm
Thanks, Lisa. I hope you find healing, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
In reply to: tall_mom
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 5:10pm
I guess I know what you mean about some level of shame. I was in no way to blame for my divorce and bacically just come right out and tell people that my husband ran off with a skank he works with. I don't feel shame in that becuase, I did nothing wrong and can't effect what others do, only how I react to it. I do feel sad that I have become a statistic and that my children don't have a whole family. I feel so angry that my children have been told (by example) that its okay to run out on your family and marriage is not sacred but, somthing to be rid of when it becomes inconvenient. That tears at my soul and is a deffinite, definite shame. So I look at the siuation as a shame but, don't necessarily feel it in the sense that the author of the article expresses it. It't not a shame in the sense of embarassment, it's a shame in the sense that it is a very sad state of affairs. Now that things are rolling along, I am actually quite happy (outside of the sadness for my childrens moral development). I'm back in school, dating a handsome, kind guy casually and have a contract down on a wonderful home. Things are actually pretty good and my friends, married or not have all been ab-fab! Everyone pretty much just wonders why my stbxh is such a dumb-a**.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
In reply to: tall_mom
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 8:44am
I'm in the very beginning stages of divorce, but already have all those feelings she mentioned. I don't want my marriage to end, but my husband won't budge. So can't make someone do something they don't want. I fought for this marriage as long as I could, but I'm still ashamed to even start telling people we are going to be divorcing. *sigh*

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