Divorce & Small Children
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| Fri, 01-26-2007 - 8:37am |
The relationship between my husband and I has been going downhill pretty quickly for a long time now and it's really beginning to get out of hand. It's an unhappy and unhealthy situation for both of us and our children. I haven't filed for divorce yet,but a separation, at least, seems imminent.
The roadblock I'm running into is a psychological one, and at this point it's the reason that I haven't taken any action. We have a 3-year-old daughter. He's a good father and she loves him to pieces so I know that the best situation would be 50/50 custody. I want to do what's best for her. But I just can't seem to come to grips with not seeing my little girl everyday. It seems so unnatural to me. I'm really struggling with this and in so much pain about it.
I guess my question is really for anyone that's been in this situation, what do you do to overcome the psychological barrier regarding the children and does it get better once you're actually in the day to day of the separation?
Thanks so much.

I have my babies (5 and 2(soon)). H sees them every other weekend. I can only imagine his pain at not seeing them every day. I'm sure that's the worst part for him. He took them for 5 days over the holidays and even though I kept myself very busy with friends and family, I starting losing my mind over being away from the kids.
I feel bad for the kids. They don't understand why they don't see daddy much. DD(5) asks when he's coming home. It's so hard to explain that he's not.
Perhaps counseling will help me (anyone) to get through this part. I tell myself that it will be ok. We'll get used to the routine. The kids will get used to it and grow to understand it. I worry that when I am hard on DD because she won't eat dinner that she tells her father that I'm mean (for putting her in time out for shoving her plate across the table). Her father used to be the harsh one... but I have a feeling now he lets her get away with whatever she wants.. to win her favor. And I'm stuck picking up the pieces and looking like the bad guy.
(sigh) It will be ok. Kids and parents go through this all the time and they are fine. Perhaps counseling will help. I'm considering going back to my counselor... or finding a new one. I didn't really care for my last one.
I understand how you feel, but after you see that your child is going to be OK.... your EX is doing his part during his time with her.... you will feel much better about things.
I think that a lot of what you're feeling is a transferrance of feelings that you anticipate that she might feel.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Glad you are here.
I am in a similar situation. I am opposed to the divorce, however. I am very worried about my dds (almost 5 and 6 1/2). They, too, adore their dad. Still, the divorce is inevitable; I cannot stop it, so I am doing everything to take care of myself and prepare for the kids' reaction. Here's what I have learned so far:
1) Read lots of books about kids and divorce (Hetherington, Ahrons and Wallerstein are the big names); Emory has written a very good new book, The Truth about Children and Divorce," excellent research based with good practical suggestions on how to help the chidlren. There is also the Sandcastles book and another one, "Mom's house, Dad's House" that I have only skimmed.
2) If you can afford it make a parenting plan with a trained child psychologist who works with families of divorce. We are, and she is excellent, knows her stuff cold, keeps us focused and honest. She helped me move my stbx off his crazy timetable for example. She also told him "this is going to be traumatic for the kids; there is nothing you can do to change that; you need to take that in." He is in denial -- thinks if you put a happy face on it they will be fine. That's not to say they won't, someday, heal and rebuild, but the consensus among the researchers is they will probably regress and have behavior issues and academic issues for at least 6 months to 1 year; some children are resilient; some suffer their whole lives; alot depends on their temperment, vulnerabilities and how their parents handle the divorce. That's just reality. Doesn't mean you don't divorce, but it means you have to be realistic about the costs to the kids.
3) And then you have to follow all the rules of divorce etiquette with kids -- no dissing the spouse in front of the kids; be positive without out-right lying. Give them LOTS of time and attention so they can express their feelings. If necessary, take them to counseling and do your best to provide them with lots of access to the X. It doesn't have to be 50/50. With young ones, though, I understand that they should see their parent ever 2-3 days minimum, to reduce the trauma. And keep routines and discipline etc. Try to make sure you and X share routines/discipline so the kids don't get confused, etc.
So, that's my feedback. I am at beginning stages; just starting with mediator and had 2nd appt. with child psychologist. It is going to be a very very painful journey for many reasons (I am a sahm, there isn't enough money; I think he is gonna end up being a real s^%t about money and parenting responsibilities (he plays with the kids, mostly, at this point), but I am doing everything in my power to take care of me and the kids and encourage you to do so, too.
Welcome!
M