Divorce with Small Kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Divorce with Small Kids
5
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:17am

There has been a lot of talk about divorce - staying married for the kids - kids being ok etc. ASIDE from situations of abuse (emotional or physical), what are your thoughts on this?

I realize that you can't "hide" everything from the kids, but are all of the times bad? My daughter is 2 and I'm 3 months pregnant. My daughter ADORES her dad. If we were to divorce now, my husband would never have that opportunity to bond with the 2nd child, and would probably severly damage the bond with the current one.

I just can't see (right now) how divorce now would be better than really trying to pull everything together for the kids. During that time, if you tried, can't you rekindle something that you've lost? Continue to be a great SAHM for the kids? Save the $ or get the education or job that you need to eventually make it on your own?

I guess the guestion is: What's so wrong with "staying together for the kids?"

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:37am

Hi S - there is nothing wrong with staying together for the kids if you feel you can live with that and that - in the long run, you feel everyone would be better off. Lot's of marriages have mis-steps. I have some friends who split up, went to counselling and fell back in love, and have now just welcomed a third baby into their family. My suggestion would be to pursue marriage counselling if you do choose to stay together and then - yes things could improve for you.

My H has been abusive (verbal and emotional) and I my nerves are shot - I can't take it anymore and I do feel that life without him is just simply more peaceful. As much as my children adore their dad - he doesn't treat me with respect (among other things) so I do see the benefits of moving on at this point. It is not a decision that I have made lightly - but I do think they will be ok as long as they continue to have two loving parents committed to thier happiness. We won't be married but we are both hoping - for their sake - that in thier world that is the only concrete change for a while. Both have agreed to not introduce any new partners for quite some time. Hopefully those committments will help ease our young daughters (4 and 2) into this new life.

I do feel that one potential benefit of splitting is that H and I are giving our selves a chance to find happiness and passion (and model that for our children) - both of which are missing from our life together.

Best of luck to you in whatever direction you choose to go,

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 1:24pm
My opinion is there is nothing wrong with it as long as there is no abuse. I would give anything to have a second chance. Try some counseling, you might actually find what ever it is that you lost that makes you want a divorce. Good Luck!
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:45pm

I am SO with you on this! There is nothing extreme in my marriage either. We are very very distant (especially now that he wants a divorce), but we can be good partners and we parent fairly well together. We could work to improve things. Our kids are doing really well, especially compared to alot of the kids I see out there. Divorce will traumatize them and for what ... so he can have a shorter commute (he wants to move away from us and closer to work), so that he doesn't have to mow the lawn and take out the trash or help with the dishes (not)... Apparently, for my h, the answer is yes -- wound the kids, betray their trust so you can live as you like.

If you can be content, if you can work at being a caring partner to your spouse (see 5 Love Languages; attend Retrouvaille) and you parent well together, I vote for staying.

I hope you and your h can work it out, for your kids' sake and yours.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:53pm

Rose,

Good for you. You sound so reasonable and maybe it will be better for all of you. I am very impressed with how you have come to work this out for yourself. I know earlier you were really struggling as I still am.

Wish I could have your equanimity!

I just imagine the tears and heartache for my girls their dad's last night in the house, then the first night he's not there, the feelings they have when they see all the things he has moved out of the house, the pain when he comes to "visit" and then leaves again ... inflicting that kind of pain on innocent children should only occur when the marriage and family life inflict worse on family members. Can't say that is the case here.

But, I think having the "its for the best" attitude is wonderful. I hope maybe I can someday come to believe that. You sound like you are doing a really good job of making it work.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 8:04am

Thanks! That's encouraging. We are going to start counseling soon. We are currently out of town on a pre-planned vacation. But, this has given us a lot of opportunities to talk and have a good time (we took our 2 year old to Disney World). Getting away from the normal routine has helped some.

I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday (and although I know everyone hates Dr. Phil quotes) and he said something that stuck with me. He said that once you have kids/bring kids into the picture, then you lose the right to think about yourself first. You MUST think of the kids first. I also think that it's very normal to grow apart during those first years of your kids lives b/c you are so focused on them. I'm just feeling insecure and worried b/c I'm pregnant with #2 and I know that we are in for 2 hard years (that first year of the newborn phase is tough). I just hate going into this in not such a stable position.

We are still in disagreement over some of the major an minor issues in the marriage. We both equally think that WE (individually) are the right ones. I'm hoping that the counselor can help us sort through these differences. Keep your fingers crossed. I'm hoping to get into counceling next week.

S