Divorce timing

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2014
Divorce timing
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 3:20pm

My husband and my marriage has been bad for a long time. He's an alcoholic, he tried to commit sucide, we fight all the time, and haven't been inimate in 3 years. Last Spring, I filed for divorce and decided to be done with it. We lived in a different state from my family (mom, sister, brother, cousins, etc.) so I really wanted to move. He agreed to the move but only if we tried to save the marriage. So, in July 2013, my husband and I moved back to California in a "last-ditch effort" to save our marriage. At first, things were going well...the kids were close their cousins to play...the sun was always shining so we went on bike rides and trips the park...I saw my family more...but then my husband starting drinking again. He would spend 4 days locked in the bedroom drinking, then come out and be depressed and angry. It was hard on the kids and devestating for me. The last straw was when he got drunk at a work event and disappeared for a day. No one knew where he was. He finally called me 36 hours later from a hotel saying that he had passed out in the hotel parking lot, breaking his nose and knocking out two front teeth, and had woken up in the hospital. My brother-in-law helped me go get him and we took him to a inpatient recovery program. He was in the program for 30 days (during christmas and new year.) Those 30 days were actually really good for me and the boys. I knew my husband was safe and getting help, the tension in the house was gone, and my boys seemed happier. We had a great holiday season and celebrated the new year with my mom. Now, my husband is in a "Sober Living Environment" which is a house that supports sobriety, makes sure he goes to meetings, and performs random drug tests. I really like it just being me and the boys. Things are a lot happier. But, after his 30 days at the SLE, my husband wants to come home. I don't want that. Everytime he is here I am anxious and angry. I want to divorce him but I don't want to destroy his chance of recovery. He is fragile right now and I know it will devastate him. What do I do? I am so full of resentment and ager that I don't think I love him like a husband anymore. Should I wait until he's stronger?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 7:21pm

Here is my short answer:  wait a year to make a decision about filing for divorce.   

That is qualified with him actually getting some clean time in.  If he can't, then I say you have every right to move forward with a divorce.  

Do please keep in mind that it is very common for a person to have a slip in early sobriety.  So don't throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet.  

I hope you are in Alanon or seeking some kind of counseling.   Even if he comes home sober and stays sober, there are still things to work through and you will each need your own, separate support systems.  I hope he is going to AA.  

Hang in there and feel free to send me a privage message.  I am in recovery and all of my relationships have been with alcoholics.  Only today they are sober alcoholics.  :)  \


Serenity CL making a second marriage work

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 01-20-2014 - 8:28pm

Divorce now do not wait.  His problems are not cured,yet but his presence is not wanted which IMO would be worse for everyone.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:01am

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