Divorce when you're 36 and want kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Divorce when you're 36 and want kids?
10
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 2:10pm


I moved out for a "trial" separation a few months ago, and moved back in a month later. I'm still unclear on whether it's going to work, or even if I want it to.

Here's my problem:

I'm 36, and I do want kids eventually or even sooner (we don't have any) but I'm concerned that by the time I meet someone, we fall in love, and decide we're right for each other, it will be TOO LATE! It does appear that things usually progress more quickly the second time around, because the couple is older and know what they want, but these things do take time.

My H is a good guy, it's just that I'm not in love anymore (for reasons I won't go into here) and don't know if I have the energy to try to fall back into love. But there's a part of me, that even though I know it's dead wrong, thinks about going ahead and having a child so I can ENSURE that I get to have one.

I know that it's foolhardy and selfish to even consider bringing an innocent soul into the world when I'm not 100% sure about the fate of the relationship with my H. I know. I even use this as a reason when discussing it with him now - he wants to start a family NOW, and I've said we have to work on us first.

But does anyone out there share this kind of concern, which only serves to add to the confusion of contemplating divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 4:40pm

Hey,


My advice is that... if he wants children.... NOW.... he'd be bending over backwards multiple times to "work on us"... and apparently, he's not... and that is a solid reason to NOT have children with this man.


The clock may be ticking.... but 36 is still young!... I'm 38 and I know all kinds of people who are near my age--my age or older--who are having children and just starting families.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:57pm

Wildlucky -

That was great advice and I'm proof that she's got time! I had my son at 41, a perfectly healthy normal pregnancy, except he was a little oversized 10 lbs. 15 oz, and 22.5". She has plenty of time for kids and many choices in her life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 10:30pm

Oh my!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 1:20pm

Thanks for your response! And you brought up an interesting point - although it may sound like he's putting forth no effort, I've actually come to realize that I'm the one who needs to be more enthusiastic, or it will never work.

I've decided that since I've gone to the trouble of coming back, I might as well try to get into it, or it would have been a worthless (and painful) experiment. So I'm going to start going through the motions of being in love, and if that still doesn't work, THEN I'll know.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:26pm
Just don't forget.... HE should make you feel like you want to be enthusiastic.... just as much as you should be open to it ;-)

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 4:07pm

Yes, I'm going through exactly the same thing. I'm 35 and a half (but whose counting?). I decided that if the marriage doesn't come together soon, and I haven't met anyone after a certain point that I'd probably just go ahead and find a "donor" (don't know if I'd do a clinic or not). Its just that it seems like it would be easier to share custody with a friend, or someone who you don't have the kind of animosity with that you are bound to have with an ex-spouse. If I have to choose to be a single parent at least I figure I shouldn't have to live with that part of it.

Best of luck working it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 4:47pm

Thanks for your thoughts.

I am curious, do you think you can work out your M? Do you want to? What will it take for it to "come together?"

To be honest, one way or another, if I had a baby with him, or by myself, I'd be concerned that would hurt me in the dating pool. Is that a concern at all for you?

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 4:11pm

Hey there.... just wanted to pop back in and share a "success story" from a gal who used to post here a while back, divorced, found a wonderful man, and now she has 2 beautiful girls... mzjulie2000... who is "proud to be an over 40 mom"... see a picture of her and her girls here http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsmartdivor&msg=20155.1&x=y.


Never give up on your dreams, girl.... just make happiness your first priority, and the rest will fall into the place where it should be.


HUGS!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 11:17pm

I agree, dont give up on your dreams.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 5:05pm

vendredi,

Sorry it's take me so long to respond. I only get to check this board at work and these pages take so long to load up that I often don't get to read very far.

As for your question...I don't know if I can work out the marriage. Like you, I'm just not in love with my husband anymore. He still loves me but up until recently he hadn't done much to help our relationship, he's only become attentive as he's realized he may really lose me, but frankly he still hasn't made the changes I really think I'd need to be happy with him. I'm not sure if they would be possible for him or not. I've always had the fear (for good reason I think) that this is the type of marriage that's always going to require a lot more work to maintain then I'd ever get out of it. Also, he loves children but I worry about what kind of father he'd be. Just because of the way he behaves with me and his students (he's a dance teacher), he's very inconsistent. He's overly indulgent then when he's not happy and people aren't giving him enough "respect" he gets angry and takes things out on them, which isn't right because he has power over them and they were just doing what he's taught them to do.

He loves his niece and nephew but he spoils them rotten and doesn't know when to pull back, he encourages his nephew to behave badly all the time and gets him into trouble, instead of a responsible adult he behaves like a conspirator sometimes he even says things like, "oh, oh we're going to get in trouble with your aunt" when I tell him to back off so the boy doesn't get in trouble with his father! I imagine all the time that I'd get to play the "bad guy" disciplinarian to any children we have, plus I'm fairly sure I'd have to be the main breadwinner if I want to support our children, and frankly I don't want children so HE gets to stay home and take care of them, why have them if I can't get at least equal time to raise them?

As for the dating pool...I think if I had a child I'd probably just not worry so much about meeting someone for a few years, if it happened great, but I imagine I'd be kept pretty busy. Besides at our age, while there are still men who have never been married, a lot of potential men are likely to have been married and have children themselves already, and I think the older we get the truer that will get, so in that sense I don't think it would really hurt that much. I think it might hurt more at 25 then at 35.

So have you been able to throw yourself back into the marriage? How is it working out for you right now?