divorce,adultery,and inlaws

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
divorce,adultery,and inlaws
4
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 8:55pm
Hi. Just wondering if anyone else out there is or has gone through a divorce because you were the one that cheated, and how that affected your relationships w/ your former inlaws. I am having a very hard time with this right now esp b/c of the holidays. I cheated more than once and am now in the middle of a divorce, my STBX is very bitter and angry still and says I ruined his life. I have not spoken to his parents or siblings since he moved out almost 8 months ago and I want so badly to apologize to them, or say something, anything...I don't know what. We all live in the same small town (it's a miracle that we have not run into each other yet) and its only a matter of time before I will have to see his parents at some activity or another (we had 2 kids together). I am supposed to pick up the kids Sat night at his sister's house and I feel sick over it, not having talked to her in nearly a year. I feel that this entire family, that I was once close to, thinks I am the scum of the earth (I admit I did wrong and have taken most of the blame for the divorce) and I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die at the thought of facing them, but at the same time I am needing some kind of closure or interaction with them so at least I can say I am sorry for hurting their son/brother...what should I do? I am completely lost.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 11:25pm

It is probably best to just be the greatest co-parent you can be with your STBX. Being a victim of adultery, I can say that my dad has not spoken to my ex-H since he cheated on me (years) and has no desire to ever have any contact with him again. My sister would most likely spit in his face.

If you feel you need closure, you could go see a therapist or write a note and burn it. There is probably not much you can say to them - somehow when a family is torn apart - "sorry" just doesn't seem to cut it.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 9:05pm

I have been through this, too. I had a brief affair that was the nail in the coffin of our already dead marriage. He couldn't have a 2 minute conversation with me and refused to have any intimate relations most of the time. I felt so unloved. I still do not justify my affair; I think the way I left my marriage was horrible. I did not want a divorce. I wanted to have a relationship with him. I wanted my family. He became convinced that I had MANY affairs (although I don't know how; I was always at work or with the kids.} I absolutely did not have more than one, but he and all his family and friends believe that I am "wired to cheat." I can't change that, and I can't change the fact that 10 months ago we were married and now we are not. A couple of months after he left I did write his mother a letter. I told her I did not care what other people thought but since I expected her to always be an important part in our children's lives I wanted to apologize to her for hurting her son but that I was not a habitual cheater and I tried for many years to have a relationship with him. It took me 2 hours and many tears to write. She called me right after she got it and thanked me. It made me feel better that I had a chance to say those things. My X had every right to want to leave but he made his decision in haste and now here we are, no longer a we. But my XMIL will call if she wants to see the kids and I almost always say yes. I miss his family very much. His step-dad won't even look at me when I pick the kids up. Try to write, if you can. It frees up a lot of the tangled space in your mind!

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 9:17pm
Thanks for answering. I know this is something I have to do, writing some kind of letter to my inlaws. I do care what she thinks of me and even though I don't think anything I could say will change how she feels at least it will show that I made some kind of effort. I don't even know where to start but I am going to do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 9:11am

Wow, what a relief to know you're not the only one out there with a similar situation! I went through the same problem. My marriage was dead, neither my husband and I were contributing to the "bank". I ended up disclosing everything to him and although initially, he wanted to reconcile, I didn't think it was the best idea. I did not talk to my in-laws after the disclosure, but also felt the need to apologize for my indiscretions. I felt really guilty and I felt that apologizing would help me forgive myself.

I sent a thoughtful and apologetic email to my mother-in-law and she never responded. In fact, my inlaws visited him recently and went out to dinner with my parents, and when my mom asked her about it, she said she couldn't bring herself to respond.

I guess my point in posting is to tell you, I think contacting your in-laws will help you deal with things. But be prepared for this type of response.

I was really hurt, and am still a little angry about her "punishing" me, but in truth, I'm not surprised. Her son is exactly the same. It's a shame, but it proves how adultery and divorce can completely shatter relationships.