divorced 1-1/2 yr still angry/upset

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
divorced 1-1/2 yr still angry/upset
4
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:27pm

Here is my story: Ex and I were married 7 years, lots of problems, including arguing all the time, sexual issues -- he always bargained for it and I always felt like a "thing" rather than a wife and mother. We went to counseling, all of this was brought up and talked about but we were never "cured", not even close. The problems continued and in fact got much worse.

I did have an emotional affair with a man that was also a friend of my brothers' for many years. I filed for divorce in May 2005, it was final in Oct 2005. Ex refused to move out and wanted to stay until it was totally final. The entire time he was there, every day, he (continued) to make me feel like the lowest piece of dirt possible. He accused me of cheating, he checked my phone, he checked up on me, etc. His friends joined in this too. Yes, I talked to the other guy but at least he knew this. He just took every opportunity to tell me what a low-life I was and what a low-life this other guy was for talking to a married woman. Then, while we were going thru the divorce, we agreed to not see other people until it was final and we were apart. Fine, I still talked and emailed to the other guy but really nothing more. Oct, ex moved out, it was final, etc., etc.

In Jan of 2006, my ex told me he had a GF. I thought, GREAT! He'll leave me alone now! Mind you, the entire time we lived together, he refused to sleep anywhere else but our bed. We still fought, but he still "hounded" me for sex and wanted us back together.

About 6 months ago, I found out more about him and his GF, and to this day am still learning more. In a nutshell, he started seeing her RIGHT after I filed (so I'm told). They work together and have for about 6 years. So...the week after I file, they start dating (??). Oh, BTW, she was with a guy too...for 20 years and they have 2 daughters together, but they conveniently broke up around Oct or so, right when our divorce was final. He had a sexual relationship with her way before Oct of 2005 too. He told me this accidentally.

I am just SO angry and upset! And I'm angry and upset that I'm angry and upset! First of all, I never would've thought he would start seeing someone so fast (since he claimed to so in LOVE), plus all the hurt and h*ll he put me thru for those 5 months, and his friends too!!!!! The MOST frustrating part, is that he acts like he did NOTHING wrong and that she did NOTHING wrong, just because the guy she was with was a loser. It doesn't matter that she slept with someone's "technical" husband, and that she cheated on her BF, and he lied to me the ENTIRE time -- but I am the one in the wrong.

I get very angry all the time, mostly because of his denial, righteousness, and the way he justifies his actions.

How do I get over this anger? It's been a year and a half since it's been final, and I still feel it. The other guy and I have always been on-again, off-again since. Right now, we are off-again. Ex is still with GF.
TIA for any advice any of you have!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 2:19am
i was married to my ex wife for 7 years also but we were together for 13 years and we have a 3 and 4 year old and your problms sound just like ours were, as soon as we had kids it all changed, she had it with me, fighting and sex issues also, she said i treated her like a piece of meat witch is bullcrap cause i loved that gurl the whole time i was with her, there was no cheating in our marriage but i became ver sexualyy frustrated and it definatly put a damper on our marraige witch brought her to divorce, i tried and tried to make it work, we did the councaling too but she was already to far gone she said, im going on 2 years of being divorced and it still hurts like hell, no matter what anyone tells you what to do to get over this pain it will never go away, her freinds also played BIG role in our divorce
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 7:35am

There are so many posts here, so much pain. Some of them I just can't touch -- either I feel too strongly, or I haven't btdt or I just don't have the time, but yours resonates ...

It's the injustice! It is so hard to be treated unjustly! I have a very hard time getting over injustice, especially when directed at me. That's why you are so angry! You were lied to and accused and demeaned when your X was doing the same thing (or more) that he was accusing you of.

Boom.

How to you get over it? That's harder and takes longer. Therapy. A support group (I am in one and there are people who have been separated for as much as two years, etc). Journalling. Prayer. And ... focusing your eyes on the future. It is hard not to look back, but when you do ... turn your eyse forward and do something healthy for you. Build a new life on the broken ruins of the old since you can't rebuild the old. It's the only way -- go forward.

Gl and hugs,

M

PS I have a long way to go, myself, on this ... still in the injustice phase; still working on a separation agreement and parenting plan which process is about the blow up, I am afraid. Just so you know ... I haven't suceeded yet, but I think the above is the way to go :-).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 8:03am
You are absolutely right! I am in the process of reading, "Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce" and it makes alot of the same statements that you have made in the chapter of 'Anger'. It is the injustice and it talks about moving forward and not focusing so much on the past. I have my good days and bad days. Reading these types of books help, and of course, getting advice and insight from great people on this board. Thank you so much.
~K
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 8:13am
I forgot to mention that we have a 6 year old daughter. I guess I'm used to trying to leave her out of our problems, shield her, protect her. Things did change about a year after we had her. The dynamics of marriage change, although, I learned first-hand how selfish he could be. Not that I was perfect either, but I just never noticed it before. He too said that he loved me more than I will ever know, however, during the marriage, I didn't feel much of any kind of love. There was no affection...because if I even touched him, it meant, "let's jump in bed!" So that all stopped for me, I was afraid to even brush up against his arm as I walking by! Like your ex, I felt like a piece of meat. It is a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE feeling. I don't want that back, or ever in my life again. He is now in an 'uncaring' relationship with GF. I know that their big issue is that he doesn't say those 3 little words to her. He finally found someone who so into him, that he doesn't care that he's not into her, even if it's not fair, even if he is holding her back from finding real love.
Like the previous poster said, "The injustice of it all!"
~K.