Divorced and still living together--HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Divorced and still living together--HELP
12
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 12:04am

My divorce was final on March 22nd. It was a "friendly" divorce. We have three children 10, 8 and 2. I will be moving with the kids, however my house isn't ready and may not be ready until June 1st.

How am I going to survive the next two months when I am ready to move on. Staying here together in this house just perpetuates the very ruts that led us to divorce in the first place!

The simple answer is for somebody to move for a while. Before the divorce was actually final we decided that we would just stay in our house until my house is available. Now that we are final though, exDH's attitude has changed and so has mine! I am not interested in being his housekeeper anymore and doing all the "wife" things around the house I had to do because he expected it. He has no appreciation! I have no desire to make things easy for him just because he chooses to spen 17 hrs a day at work (he sets his own hours and is having problems delegating and setting limits at work) I am a SAHM and will be going back to school next term.

What can I do to compromiste so we both can makr this work? Any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 7:15am

I never understood the concept of a "friendly divorce". It sounds like the two of you could have stayed married and made it work.

At this point in time, despite the paperwork and legal status, you and the EX are married. And living like a married couple. So you have elected to keep all of the crappitude of marriage, and reject any of the possible benefits of divorce. What on earth are you thinking.

Someone needs to leave. NOW. If he won't, then you must. There's no compromise to be reached.

Or you can choose to keep on living as a married couple, just as you are now. And if you let it go on long enough, you and the ex will achieve common law marriage status.

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 7:23am

Oldnimrod, what a rude post! I am sorry, but you have overstepped boundaries and have been mean when someone has asked for support. You don't need to understand a friendly divorce for someone to have achieved it. She is making the most of a difficult situation and is posting here to get advice, not flames.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 7:55am
Ditto Melanie
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 12:44pm

Hi Hay,

Take heart. You hit an important "decision milestone" with your divorce. It has a finality to it that normally would herald separate living arrangements although many couples, but not all, are physically separated before the divorce is legalized.

You have one important thing to your advantage right now: you have a deadline, aka June 1, for making the physical separation. My advice? Take the high road and go about your life and day as if you were living solo. You aren't obligated to cook, clean, do laundry, answer the phone/take messages, or worry about his comings and goings. You have no obligation to tell him anything either. Take this one day at a time and you'll find it much easier to stay under one roof. June will arrive very quickly and you can both move on with your lives.

Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 1:00pm
I so LOOOOOOVE the ignore button! ;-) Thank you, iVillage!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 2:40pm

>>>I never understood the concept of a "friendly divorce". It sounds like the two of you could have stayed married and made it work.<<<

It depends on your definition of "making it work." If you feel that divorce is only appropriate when there is abuse or constant yelling and fighting, then I can see where the concept of friendly divorce might be confusing. My ex and I had an amicable divorce. We divorced because his desire to play video games constantly and never touch me became unbearable (just two of our many issues). We are both adults and reasonable adults at that. We were able to agree on how to divide the furniture, the money and the debts, how to handle custody and child support, all without tearing each other's heads off and paying our dd's college tuition to our attorney's.

The concept of a friendly divorce is that you both realize there is no way to stay married or "make it work" but you also agree not to destroy each other in the process of separating your lives. My parents had a friendly divorce too, he was a drug addict and openly cheated on my mom. When she was due to deliver my sister, he dropped her at the hospital and spent the day with this girlfriend. He refused to stop doing drugs and he took other women to swing parties and engaged in group sex while married to my mom. She stayed home with her two children and cried a lot. When she said she couldn't take it any more, he agreed to give her child support and alimony, they shared an attorney and they did not disagree on any points. Does that help make the concept of a friendly divorce a little more clear?

An amicable divorce just means two people agree on the issues in the divorce they must agree on, and if not, they make a successful effort to compromise, nothing more. Arguing and having an adversarial divorce is not healthy and does not "justify" that the divorce was necessary, all it proves is that at least one party is not willing to work with the other and compromise.




Edited 3/31/2005 3:45 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 2:43pm

If I were you, I'd set some new ground rules for this 'interim' period. There should be rules just like you had if you were roomates. I assume you are sleeping in separate spaces? You could have one person have a tv in their room so you don't have to hang out together, and you could specify separate areas of the fridge for your food, his food and the kids food, and try to make things as separate as possible. If he refuses to do the dishes and such, keep doing that but think of it as if he wasn't there, that you are just doing the cleaning for the children and spell it out that if he cooks he has to clean up after himself. He may not follow all your rules, but if you sit down and agree on some rules together and he has a say in what the rules are, he might be more willing to abide by them. Financially it is probably better to stay put since it's just a couple months, and vent here as much as possible if that helps.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 7:06pm

My x is still living here and for the most part we get along fine. He still wakes me when he comes home from work so he can talk to me. He's called to invite me to dinner every night this week (while he's at work). But, he doesn't want to be with me that way anymore. I won't lie, that makes it really hard on me. And I think he is getting everything he wants. Me and the freedom to do whatever he wants. But, once he moves, it will be different! I guess the point I wanted to agree with is that just because people divorce doesn't mean they hate each other.

(Way to go Melanie!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 7:21pm
Sheesh - did you live in that house with them? I have to say that i think your response to this poster is immature, biased & plain RUDE.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 7:22pm
Exactly what i was giong to suggesst!

R~

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