divorced divas...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
divorced divas...
16
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:29pm

So we are all divoced... we still are women and can hold our own... we need support! We are are still special and "divas"!!!! Help me help us! We need each other! Girlfriends need girlfriends no matter what age or race! We are all women! Let's get together and help eachother and find ourselves without men! Come on now... no matter what stage you are at in the divorce or where you are at in your life... help us help you...

Please do respond! I need this and admit... so do you... let's get together!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 2:09pm

thanks for the reply! I use the word "diva" because I felt I needed to still feel that even though I was out of my marriage and feeling totally lost... that I still had a sense of worth! I think that women need to come together and support each other through this nightmare of a time and we can all find ourselves again to move forward to a whole new life while trying to leave the old one behind us. I am no longer "Matt and Karey" now just Karey and her girls and trying to adjust to just that. I was thinking about getting a website up like divorced diva's or something of the sort so women can come to it and chat about their up's and down's and know that they aren't alone, as I do feel often when all my friends are married with kids and I live in a neighborhood full of families out with their children and husbands and I do feel like an outsider alone. No husband to fix the faucet and no husband to take out the trash and no husband to mow the lawn! Too depressing! I have been divorced for a year now but been without him for 2 years. Still finding it hard to move forward. I hate the whole "online" dating scene.. tried that.. my ex husband met a girl online and within twelve weeks of meeting her, (us in Oregon and her in Texas) decided to marry her and he moved to Texas and left me with raising our girls while he is now raising her kids. Talk about drama here! All so sudden. I of course threw a fit about it and he told me that I was just jealous. I am not jealous, but I am angry that he left his own children to raise another woman's children in a totally different state hundreds of miles away. He comes back thankfully once a month to see them. I maybe shouldn't complain too much as many woman have the husband leave and never come back. At least he comes once a month to see them. But what a major adjustment we have all been going through. I can't believe how resiliant my girls are after all this. They have helped me through it all just by being by my side.

I think what is the most depressing is that there are no outlets for women to get together for support. I tried finding one here in Oregon and there is only one at a church and it is full! So I tired this. Nice to know that I am not alone. That everyone has a story to tell, that we are all going through this. Divorce sucks! I tell all my friends that are married whenever they are having petty little fights with their spouse to work it out and stay. The alternative is way to lonely and unsure of the future. Hang in there! We aren't alone. We still have ourselves and will continue to grow and be strong and all be "divas" .... :)

Karey

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 2:11pm

thanks for the reply! I use the word "diva" because I felt I needed to still feel that even though I was out of my marriage and feeling totally lost... that I still had a sense of worth! I think that women need to come together and support each other through this nightmare of a time and we can all find ourselves again to move forward to a whole new life while trying to leave the old one behind us. I am no longer "Matt and Karey" now just Karey and her girls and trying to adjust to just that. I was thinking about getting a website up like divorced diva's or something of the sort so women can come to it and chat about their up's and down's and know that they aren't alone, as I do feel often when all my friends are married with kids and I live in a neighborhood full of families out with their children and husbands and I do feel like an outsider alone. No husband to fix the faucet and no husband to take out the trash and no husband to mow the lawn! Too depressing! I have been divorced for a year now but been without him for 2 years. Still finding it hard to move forward. I hate the whole "online" dating scene.. tried that.. my ex husband met a girl online and within twelve weeks of meeting her, (us in Oregon and her in Texas) decided to marry her and he moved to Texas and left me with raising our girls while he is now raising her kids. Talk about drama here! All so sudden. I of course threw a fit about it and he told me that I was just jealous. I am not jealous, but I am angry that he left his own children to raise another woman's children in a totally different state hundreds of miles away. He comes back thankfully once a month to see them. I maybe shouldn't complain too much as many woman have the husband leave and never come back. At least he comes once a month to see them. But what a major adjustment we have all been going through. I can't believe how resiliant my girls are after all this. They have helped me through it all just by being by my side.

I think what is the most depressing is that there are no outlets for women to get together for support. I tried finding one here in Oregon and there is only one at a church and it is full! So I tired this. Nice to know that I am not alone. That everyone has a story to tell, that we are all going through this. Divorce sucks! I tell all my friends that are married whenever they are having petty little fights with their spouse to work it out and stay. The alternative is way to lonely and unsure of the future. Hang in there! We aren't alone. We still have ourselves and will continue to grow and be strong and all be "divas" .... :)

Karey

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 2:12pm

thanks for the reply! I use the word "diva" because I felt I needed to still feel that even though I was out of my marriage and feeling totally lost... that I still had a sense of worth! I think that women need to come together and support each other through this nightmare of a time and we can all find ourselves again to move forward to a whole new life while trying to leave the old one behind us. I am no longer "Matt and Karey" now just Karey and her girls and trying to adjust to just that. I was thinking about getting a website up like divorced diva's or something of the sort so women can come to it and chat about their up's and down's and know that they aren't alone, as I do feel often when all my friends are married with kids and I live in a neighborhood full of families out with their children and husbands and I do feel like an outsider alone. No husband to fix the faucet and no husband to take out the trash and no husband to mow the lawn! Too depressing! I have been divorced for a year now but been without him for 2 years. Still finding it hard to move forward. I hate the whole "online" dating scene.. tried that.. my ex husband met a girl online and within twelve weeks of meeting her, (us in Oregon and her in Texas) decided to marry her and he moved to Texas and left me with raising our girls while he is now raising her kids. Talk about drama here! All so sudden. I of course threw a fit about it and he told me that I was just jealous. I am not jealous, but I am angry that he left his own children to raise another woman's children in a totally different state hundreds of miles away. He comes back thankfully once a month to see them. I maybe shouldn't complain too much as many woman have the husband leave and never come back. At least he comes once a month to see them. But what a major adjustment we have all been going through. I can't believe how resiliant my girls are after all this. They have helped me through it all just by being by my side.

I think what is the most depressing is that there are no outlets for women to get together for support. I tried finding one here in Oregon and there is only one at a church and it is full! So I tired this. Nice to know that I am not alone. That everyone has a story to tell, that we are all going through this. Divorce sucks! I tell all my friends that are married whenever they are having petty little fights with their spouse to work it out and stay. The alternative is way to lonely and unsure of the future. Hang in there! We aren't alone. We still have ourselves and will continue to grow and be strong and all be "divas" .... :)

Karey

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 3:24pm

Karey, I know all too well what you mean about sadness and loneliness. I don't understand either how men can move on with someone else and leave their family and former life behind without looking back. They move on as if they never loved us and if they did that they were able to get over that love over night. To walk out that door and leave their kids, the women they said those sacred vows to, and everything they own, is beyond my comprehension. I think if we were able to forget out our love like they do, we would not suffer so badly. Heck! It doesn't seem like they are suffering.

As painful as being separated and divorcing, I still have strong love for my husband. I can't shut my feelings off or downshift that fast. Sometimes it makes me wonder if he ever loved me at all. I wonder if he was just buying time being with me until something else came along. I am constant looking for answers to questions as to why I'm going through this nightmare. It doesn't seem right to be going through all this agony without some type of reason. I know life isn't fair but this to me is just beyond fair. People tell me that I'm never going to find the answers I'm looking for or that I'll find answers I would be satisfied with. This might be true but when you're hurting this much you want some type of reason. Some answers and closure.

I have discovered that I don't like associating with other people right now because it is so hard to watch everyone else be happy when I am feeling so sad. I could be in a room full of people and feel very much alone. Anymore now I just want to stay home so I don't have to see others enjoy life as I should be. It is like you know what you want but you feel so lost that you don't know how to obtain that goal...happiness. Of course, people wonder why I never want to go out or why I'm not over this yet. I'm tired of pretending to be happy around others just so I don't damper their time. There have been numerous times when I've had to fight with all my might to hold back my tears. As soon as I get home and close the door behind me, I just break down and bawl.

I would love to have a place to share and chat with people that are going through the same thing as I am. I have support from my family and friends but when I'm talking to them it is not the same as when I'm talking to someone that has or is going through this nightmare. Someone that has never been separated or divorce, do not know how terrible it feels to go home and not have anyone there waiting for you. To spend the holidays alone. To lay there at night and not have someone to comfort you when you are scared or feeling bad. They can imagine the pain but whatever they come up with will never match the intensity or deepness of the pain.

We have given our lives to our husbands and in return they just throw us away. We need to show them that our lives are worth more than that. We need to stop the bleeding of our souls. They hurt us enough in leaving. We need to support each other to regain that power of self that we lost while we were married. I truly believe that if we can get through this stage in our lives, we will be stronger and wiser. We will also have the confidence that we can get through anything because lets face it anyone that can survive this nightmare, is one strong person. This person is a diva!

I thank you in advance for allowing me to get all this out of my system. I truly believe there is hope we just have to work for it. So I am open to anything anyone can suggest in regaining this hope. Tell me where and when and I am there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 7:02pm
I agree so much with your post as to how some one you loved so much trusted can just move on as if nothing else mattered. Well I am an ex who wanted to know how and why and would not sign the divorce papers till he told me why (TRUE STORY) His cop out was that men do not dwell on the past like women do they do not plan anything. I told him so since she came along you never once thought about what you were doing to me or your family and he said do you want the truth? I said YES! He said NO my mind deals with whatever comes up the moment it comes up and weather it is good or bad I have to deal with it. I was flabber gasted of course then I had to throw this in there, So how are you handling knowing your young fine women was a liar and had terrible credit and has messed your life up worse than you messed up mine!
He said I deserve what I got and I am dealing with it! and he is he is still with her miserable than ever and hates going home to her he is always trying to call me and talk to me. Ughhhh Don't get me wrong I will love him till the day I die but I am no longer in love with him.....Thats sounds familiar, I think he said that to me also when he left. It will get better for you and you will look back and be happy that you didn't live your life looking for the next sign of cheating that is a waste of precious moments in life you can never get back....Look ahead to a bright happy future and no we weren't thrown away we gained more than they know from them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 8:02pm

stay strong girl... I am coping as well.. you are not alone here.. ok? We are all worth more than this and we control the cards here in our life... normal is what you make it.. that is what I keep telling myself and to move forward... normal doesn't mean that you have to have a husband and a picture perfect life... I used to believe that... even though 50% of American's are divorced, the "picture" is still Mom and Dad and kids and heaven... that is why I would like to make a stand for all of us women that are out there struggling with the "normal" life style that so many American's accept, to go out and make their own NORMAL.. with 1 out of 2 marriages ending in divorce, why isn't it accepted as "normal" yet? Are we back in the 50's here? Wasn't there bra burning in the 60's? Anyway, we are not alone, we can ban together, we can become what we want without having to live the social "normal" as they would put it. I am shocked that there isn't more support groups out there for divorce... it is the worst time in most women's lives.. most women... not all mind you depend on thier husbands.. I did. Now I have to depend on myself.. for everything. I had a broken shower head in my shower and I don't know the first thing about fixing things like that. I had to hire out for it and pay for it... uggg. more money down the drain! What I have learned is that this is a new chapter for all of us... moving forward without knowing where you are going is scary and I am scared. Yet I have to be stong for my girls and for myself so I can become the woman that I was born to be. Not one that identified herself with the man in her life. The one that was the "other" half.... but the whole woman that I am supposed to be. It is a hard lesson to learn for me... I always identified myslef as the "other" half since I was 19 years old. Not learning who I was or where I want to go in life. Just Mom. Now I am forced to face who I am and where I need to go.. not just Mom anymore. I need to grow and be a strong woman for my children to look up to. Not just Mom. That is why I choose to be a "diva"... that in my opinion is strength... we all need that.

Karey

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