Divorcing but he's still in love w/ me..
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Divorcing but he's still in love w/ me..
| Wed, 01-31-2007 - 10:14pm |
Hi all, After 7yrs together and 3 years of marriage H and I are getting a divorce. I'm the one who wants one (I moved out) but H is devastated! I'm very sad and I can barely function. My axiety makes it hard for me to function. The only thing that gives me joy is going to the gym and talking to friends. I'll be ok though...I'm worried about H. He's not eating and he's probably drinking and spending a lot of time in bed (He's off from work for another month). I feel very guilty because I'm the one who wants a divorce. I just can't stay with him because I'm not in love w/ him anymore. This man gave me his heart and his trust and his money and all I gave him was pain and suffering...He ignored me and had problems with alcohol and gambling but I did much worse to him when I cheated on him with another man. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here...I'm feeling really bad for being the cause of our divorce...After all I've done to him, he still wants me back but I can't stay married to him. He's my one and only long term relationship (before him I only dated casually). We married when I was 24 and he was 29. I never had a breakup of any sort so I don't know how to deal with it...
Anyway, I'm sorry for taking your time but thank you for reading this.
TY
Leticia
Anyway, I'm sorry for taking your time but thank you for reading this.
TY
Leticia

You don't stay married to someone you no longer love simply because he loves you. You are not responsible for his happiness. He will be fine but it will take time and be painful for you to watch. Eventually he will find someone else who loves him the way he needs to be. As for your guilt, you have to deal with it and it is a big load to carry. I can only tell you that it will ease up with time and will disappear when he finds someone to be with. You are already happier and you have made the right decision for all concerned.
Deb
Leticia,
I’ve posted my story on here a few times already and have always received good advice and support. My situation is similar to what I read on your post and although it’s still all fresh for me, I can give you the advice that others gave me that helped. It all seems so obvious, but sometimes I feel like I need to be constantly reminded…
- Be honest with yourself and figure out what YOU want, what makes you happy. Give yourself time.
- You have to do this for yourself. Your husband will get better. He’ll survive, too. You can’t make a decision for yourself out of pity or guilt for him. It’s not fair to either of you to stay in a marriage out of guilt, or, as Deb said, just because he loves you. You might very well regret it later.
- There are times when I feel really down, very low for being the “leaver”. It helps to talk to supportive friends and family who will remind you that your happiness counts, too.
- Therapy has helped me a lot. It’s an outside, uninvolved ear that listens and lets you put things into perspective. Perspective is something that’s hard to hold on to at times like these. It has helped me to use this experience as a time for personal growth as well.
- You’ve chosen one path out of many, and you don’t know what’s at the end, but if you close the path off to yourself, you’ll regret it forever. If you get to the end and it’s not what you want or expected, or it’s a dead end, you can always turn around and start over. It might be a mistake, and it might not, but people make mistakes every day. Big ones and little ones. Life is full of choices, and choices always mean giving something else up.
Good luck, and know that you’re not alone.
Leticia
I ALMOST could have written your post. I have been with H for 8 years, M for 3 and I asked him for a Separation. I own our house (before M) so I am staying and I asked him to move out, which was difficult. He found an apt and is moving this weekend. I am also having an A. I have a DD - do you have any children?
Does your H know about the A? Mine does not, which only adds to my guilt and the painful realization that I have to CONTINUE to lie to him. I do NOT want to hurt him, even though I know if he found out on his own it would hurt worse. I feel extremely sad also at having caused H such pain. He is acting differently than your H, he hasn't asked to stay with me - and I discovered he has been talking to another W. But, really what did I expect? He has been very, very cold to me lately and I am having a hard time dealing with this. I continue to try and talk to him - just to let him know I care about him but I find myself getting angry sometimes (which I have no right to)
What has been your problem in your M? I feel the same way, that I am just not in love with him anymore. I had serious doubts before our wedding - but what would I do, call the whole thing off? We had intimacy and communication issues for most of our R.
We have a lot in common. I came on to find other people in the same situation and I think because H is leaving soon that I am feeling very sad at this point. I feel very guilty. Did you try MC or T - We did both, we are still in T separately.
Thanks for the ear.
Wow, it seems that there are a lot of "US" out there with similar situations! Well, I'm feeling a little better today because i read your replies! To answear some of your questions, H and I don't have any kids and he knows about my A but he thinks it's over which it really isn't but my OM has moved across country and we talk online and on the phone. H is very depressed and I feel like Sh*t for putting him throug this! I feel like I destroyed his life because I didn't give out M a chance. We had communication problems also but we did not go to MC or T. H likes to drink and gamble quite a lot and I love fitness and going out with friends. H is a really hard worker and always provided for me (I didn't work for a long time). I think that if it wasn't for his drinking and gambling we could've been a lot closer as a couple but unfortunatly I let him di whatever he wanted without expressing how I felt about it until I found a man who gave me all the attention I needed...This OM and I have A TON of things in common and we love spending time together...I knew it was wrong but I didn't care because for the first time in 7 years I was truly happy! When H found out about the affair, I moved out but he begged me to come back and work things out...So, I did. I went back with H and we tried for a little while (3 months) but my heart was not in it anymore...I was not in love w/ him anymore and I didn't want to go to MC or T ....I just didn't see the point...So, I moved out again and now It's pretty much over...
Anyhow, I'd love to talk with u guys more!
Leticia
Hey Leticia and ev'rybody! I cant believe i found this post!
I am in exact same situation, didn't ask for divorce yet, but seriously thinking of it. Why? I'm not in love anymore; we don't have much in common; and intimacy is not there. H loves me and our little one; he is a provider, im sahm. I talked to him lately how depressed im about our relationship and how is think there is no love btw us. Guess what he did? He stared CRYING, he automatically thought i was gonna leave him. I didnt say anything. I feel like SH*T now, don't know if i should just forget about my feelings and stay in my marriage for the sake of sensitive loving H and my child?? I just don't know. We didnt do MC or T, frankly i don't want to work on it :/.
So, now im back to pretending how everything is fine cuz i don't want to hurt him.
What do u think? Is that REALLY WRONG to stay married for the sake of your child? A boy needs a man in his life, and what if i wont find Mr. Right one for my whole life? How will my boy grow? Plus, will anybody WANT ME with a kid? I want my child to be happy and safe.
Thanks
Take it from me, you do not want to stay in this marriage just for the sake of your child. I think that, if your heart is not in it anymore then it's time to move on. Plus, he's your son's father and he'll always be. You don't have to go find a "replacement" for him. Your son will grow up with a mom and dad regardless whether or not you remain married. If you really want to be happy and you know u won't be happy with your H then u have to let him go. It's not fair to him either...He deserves someone who will be with him because they are in love with him and not because they're trying to spare his feelings and protect him from a heartache. It's been very hard for me to stick with my decision of getting a divorce because I really don't want to hurt H and right now he's hurting more than ever in his life! He really wants to work on things and make our marriage work and I don't. He's devastated. This man loved me more than ANYTHING! To him it was a TOTAL shock to learn that I was having an A and that I want a divorce. It was like a twilight zone episode! As hard as it is, I have to do it and he'll be ok...It may take a long tim but he'll heel...
I wish you the best.
Leticia