Do I love my husband anymore?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Do I love my husband anymore?
7
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 7:07pm

I have been with my husband almost for six years and although I  love him as a person, a great father and provider and a husband I have never been in love with him the way that I should've been.   The day we got married I was six months  pregnant.  I conceived this child after losing my baby from a previous relationship.  I was still spiraling from that loss and attempted to forget about my ex but jumping into a new relationship and starting a new family . Fast forward six years later I am doubting my feelings.

Recently I met a gentlemen in my boy's preschool class and there is intense chemistry there.  We've taken our kids to the park together and have talked about the attraction we have with one another.  We haven't done anything physical although I desire him intensely.  

I am afraid of two things hurting my husband and destroying my family.  I grew up in a single parent home and it was extremely stressful on my mother which is why I believe i've stayed this long.  I've been in a major depression our entire marriage and recently discovered that I'm not clinically depressed but married to a man who deserves to be loved 100 percent not 80.  I am not sure honestly how strong my feelings are for my husband because there's never been anything to test it.  In the beginning he drank a lot and I attempted to leave but he wore me down with how i was destroying our family and I stayed.  Now I am extremely unhappy most days and am turning to work, sleep and possibly an affair to bring life back into my soul.  Anyone ever been in this situation?  I confused and i'm scared.  I do not want to destroy my family but how much longer will I live like this fourteen more years till my kids turn 18?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 8:27pm

Are you seeing a counselor to help sort through these issues? You seem to have a lot going on. The "gentleman" from the preschool class--IMO you should stop meeting him. His presence and the feelings he brings up just complicate your life. Even in solid marriages you can be attracted to another person, the difference is that you don't allow yourself to test the waters. You need to figure out what you want/need to do about your marriage and your feelings about your husband without another person in the wings. If you decide to leave your marriage then you need to give yourself a good long time to learn to be alone----you've already seen the dangers of a rebound relationship. I was a Betrayed Spouse so my advice always comes from that mindset, remembering the pain of the betrayal. I think you owe it to your H to figure out if your marriage can be salvaged before you decide to leave him, much less think about getting involved with somebody else. And if Mr Preschool knows that you're married and he dallies with you, I wonder how much of a gentleman he really is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 2:46am

I agree. A true gentleman (or lady) would not sleep with a married person no matter how intense the attraction. That speaks volumes on a persons character. And as the old saying goes "If a person will cheat with you, they will cheat on you"  And boy have I seen this happen so many times to people in affairs I've known. I guess it's called Karma.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 2:57am
I will guarantee you that bringing an affair into this matter will complicate things 100X more (especially if he is also married) You ned to STOP seeing this other guy before 2 families are destroyed, and try to fix your marriage by going to marriage counseling. Believe me, your marriage doesn't stand a chance if you continue seeing and having feelings for this other guy.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 2:42pm

InsatiableIVU wrote:
<p>I have been with my husband almost for six years and although I  love him as a person, a great father and provider and a husband I have never been in love with him the way that I should've been.   The day we got married I was six months  pregnant.  I conceived this child after losing my baby from a previous relationship.  I was still spiraling from that loss and attempted to forget about my ex but jumping into a new relationship and starting a new family . Fast forward six years later I am doubting my feelings.</p><p>Recently I met a gentlemen in my boy's preschool class and there is intense chemistry there.  We've taken our kids to the park together and have talked about the attraction we have with one another.  We haven't done anything physical although I desire him intensely.  </p><p>I am afraid of two things hurting my husband and destroying my family.  I grew up in a single parent home and it was extremely stressful on my mother which is why I believe i've stayed this long.  I've been in a major depression our entire marriage and recently discovered that I'm not clinically depressed but married to a man who deserves to be loved 100 percent not 80.  I am not sure honestly how strong my feelings are for my husband because there's never been anything to test it.  In the beginning he drank a lot and I attempted to leave but he wore me down with how i was destroying our family and I stayed.  Now I am extremely unhappy most days and am turning to work, sleep and possibly an affair to bring life back into my soul.  Anyone ever been in this situation?  I confused and i'm scared.  I do not want to destroy my family but how much longer will I live like this fourteen more years till my kids turn 18?</p>

I would say that this is the test that's staring you in your face.

Unless you are willing to divorce your husband or he dies, yes, you will have to live like that for the next 14 years unless you find another way of relating to him, and that's accomplished with the help of a marriage therapist, not the fluttering heartbeats and anticipation from a prospective lover.  I don't see why you feel your only choices are cheating or waiting 14 years.  Those aren't your only options---they are your only options if you're being lazy and don't want to do any heavy lifting required to extract yourself from your current situation.

You need to see if you can up yourself to 100% from that 80% for your husband, first, before entertaining anything with another man.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 8:47pm

Hi,

Your "repeat" button is stuck! You said you jumped into your current relationship fresh out of the last one. And you're about to do it again! STOP!

Everyone here is correct when they say:

1)Stop talking to the new guy. Your hormones don't have a brain. You do. Use it!

2)Get counseling to deal with both your past and your present.

3)Please talk to your husband about how you feel.

4)You hint your DH has a drinking problem. If he does, HE needs to get help for that! AAA.org is his doorway; Alanon.org is yours. Go there - now.

Marriage is not a "once and done" thing. It takes work and practice and more work and practice. Parenting is not for sissies. It takes everything and then some to raise kids. You both need help to work together and to make a life for yourselves and your kids you can both be happy about. 

Love is a choice. Choose to love your husband enough to work on your marriage. Start by telling the boyfriend bye...and mean it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 03-18-2013 - 4:27pm

I agree with what everyone else said so I won't repeat it.  I'm confused because you seem to say contradictory things:  "I've been in a major depression my entire marriage but I'm not clinically depressed."  "I'm extremely unhappy most days."  That sounds a lot like depression to me--was it a psychologist or psychiatrist who told you you weren't depressed and why?  You say in the beginning he drank a lot--did he stop drinking or at least cut down?  I'd be more inclined to tell you to leave the marriage if he was still drinking heavily.

I agree that an attractoin to the other dad is just that--a physical attraction.  It doesn't mean there is anything there.  You have to stop the fooling around and thinking that having an affair is going to solve anything.  You should go to counseling to figure out what to do.  I do wonder if you have unrealistic expectations that love is some kind of fairy tale where you are on cloud 9 all the time-- no one's marriage is like that.  Everybody has to deal with the daily boring stuff like work, taking care of the kids, paying the bills.  I think everybody has their ups & downs about how they feel about each other.  I think if you get a really happy day sometimes and then most of the time it's just kind of medium--it's good as long as the good days outweigh the bad ones and there aren't too many terrible ones.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:19am

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