do I make the kids go to dads?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
do I make the kids go to dads?
3
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 8:58am
Hi, my kids are 3,4, and 6. They fight me every time it is time to go to their dads house. He didn't pay very much attention to them when we were together (main reason we are getting divorced). He seems sincere about making somewhat of an effort now but they complain constantly that he doesn't do anything with them, there is nothing fun to do (I have sent tons of toys there so there are toys), that all dad does is hang out in his room, etc. I totally encourage them to be patient with him as he gets settled (he is living with his two sisters in their family room) and to talk to him about how they feel, etc. The last two weekends he had them, my 4 yr. old had a hysterical fit that she didn't want to stay there and wanted to go with me, which he got mad and said if they don't want to be here, just take them home and then this weekend, my 6 year old called me many times saying she wanted to come home and crying and he pretty much said why don't you just come and get her. I ended up encouraging her to snuggle with dad and try things because she had been asking for a week to see him and spend time with him and to call me if she needed too. He is pretty lazy and the first morning she called, the main reason was because he was grumpy and didn't want to get up so he wouldn't let her get out of bed for an hour after she woke up because he was still trying to sleep, but that is a whole other issue. I guess I am wondering am I doing the right thing, how do I handle them and get him to quit pouting and take charge of the situation instead of putting it on me to fix. I feel like I just shouldn't answer my phone when he has them but I promised my kids they could always call me, anytime. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 10:42am

Hi there! I would definitely continue to have the children go to their dad's house. It is SO important for them to maintain (or develop!) a good relationship with their father. Unless he is violent or it's an unsafe environment, continue to encourage them to spend time with dad. They are still in the adjustment phase right now.


Also, I do think it's a good idea for your children to be able to have phone contact with you, but not several times a day. Let them know they can call you once per day while they are with their father. Otherwise, it doesn't give him the chance to manage the situation on his own.


I just got a great book out of the library - Mom's House, Dad's House for Kids: Feeling at Home in One Home or Two


It's geared toward older children, but I think you would find it helpful, and your 6 yo might get some benefit from it if you read it out loud. It covers everything from staying connected to friends, new rules, being caught in the middle, etc.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 12:21pm

I agree that your kids should be encouraged to go to dad's house. and - no offence - but you really CAN'T be judgemental about his habits (unless his habits include sunstance abuse or something illegal or immoral). here are some of the things you say about him:
<< He didn't pay very much attention to them when we were together>>
<< He is pretty lazy >>>
<>
etc.

Many times kids try to fight the visit to the 'other' home - for various reasons. but that's part of life - they are going to have to sometimes do things that they don't want to do. YOU need to stop trying to "fix" things for your kids while they are at dad's house. think about how you would feel, if (when) your kids would be angry at you and they would call their dad and dad would tell them/you what to do. you need to be matter-of-fact, but get off the phone quickly. let your child vent for a few seconds, and then give them a 'virtual' hug and get off the phone. it's importatn that your kids know that you are always there for them - but its also important that they understand that mommy has a life, too.

at the same time, your kids are still young. you can't tell 3, 4, 6 YOs to "be patient with him as he gets settled" (they are too young to grasp this kind of concept), or "to talk to him about how they feel". it may be a good idea to look into family therapy - a trained children's psychologist can help you out here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 3:13pm

You said... he said... "which he got mad and said if they don't want to be here, just take them home and then this weekend, my 6 year old called me many times saying she wanted to come home and crying and he pretty much said why don't you just come and get her."


The problem is... he's ALLOWING this to be an option.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~