Do I stay or do I go?- very long, sorry
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| Wed, 10-11-2006 - 2:07pm |
I have been married for over 7 years to a man I love. I am 38 yrs old have a 4 yr old and a 2.5 yr old. I work fulltime and provide a stable income, benefits and all the daily financial stuff for the family. DH's income this year is currently just under 50% of mine. I also provide stability as DH is full commission not to mention he is always telling me how unhappy he is and he's going to quit. I feel more an more like all financial responsibility falls on me because I really am starting to loose faith in his abilities.
I know there are 2 sides to every story so here is my side. I believe I am a very reasonable, patient and loving wife and mother. I will do anything to keep the peace. I hate confrontation and conflict. DH is very insecure, moody, controlling and a little emotionally abusive. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he was depressed or bipolar. I feel I am the rock in the relationship which holds down my DH the rubberband. DH would probably describe me as a good mom but as a wife I am unaffectionate, manipulative and selfish. I obviously don't agree with his assessment and I think I'd be hard pressed to find others who knew us to agree.
So what I have to ask myself is how long can I stand to be treated like trash and with double standards? He has very strong southern European standards (man is in charge) and family support. I could go on and on with examples:
- He is giving me a hard time about my business travel for my job of 1 year. I make 2-4 trips per year for 4 days each. We discussed the 10% travel when I took the job. This next trip I wanted to take a couple extra days to go see my dad but he thinks it's unreasonable for me to be gone for 6 days. This is a 4 day business trip that I have to go on and a trip to see my dad. He accused me yesterday that this trip is so can get away from him.
- Any time I don't answer my phone at work he gives me a hard time about where I am and why I'm not working? Is he now my boss and keeper?
- He tells me I'm worthless, useless, boring, no fun, etc.
- He is obsessed with sex. It's not frequent enough. It's not exciting enough. He tells me if I have anal sex and really try to like it (because I did try and didn't like it) it will prove my love for him and he will be happy. He asks if he can have a mistress/lover since he doesn't get what he wants from me. We have sex 1-3 times per week.
- He never apologizes or tries to make up with me. He gets mad that I haven't done something and expects me to read his mind.
- He works with a bunch of guys who gamble, cheat, and drink. Some of them go away once a month for football games or gambling overnights. DH thinks he so wonderful because he doesn't do any of those things. He thinks I should be grateful for him and his very existance.
- I feel that he criticizes everything I do. He never thanks me for anything. I'm expected to do all the 'female' chores. He expects me to help him with all of his chores. He expects me to fetch things for him and now he's starting to ask the kids to get things because he is too lazy.
- He told me his knee was hurting and he went on to say it was from being overweight. I told him he could change that if he wanted to. He then told me I was a control freak. I still don't understand how that is controlling?
He seems to have such a warped view of reality. We joke that he thinks there is a conspiracy against him. He thinks that everyone has everything so easy except for him. He doesn't trust anyone but his family. I don't even think he trusts me which is thoroughly ridiculous.
There are alot of things I do like about him but I honestly can't take anymore of the blame, negativity and moodiness. His coworkers joke about what kind of mood is DH in today? Should we stay away? He struggles at work. I see trends not only at home but at work too.
My honest opinion if I force counseling or else divorce is that he'll take divorce. He refused counseling 6 months ago. He's afraid to deal with his issues and when he feels cornered/attacked/disrespected, he will try to hurt you however he can either through verbal attacks or by saying I don't care, I quit. He hit me once about 3 years ago. I called the police but we said my son accidently dialed 911. I really am not scared of that because if he ever does it again, he is going to jail!!! Bruises will heal.
I know I can take care of my kids financially (I take care of all family finances) but I also know that divorce will cause significant downgrading of our home and other setbacks. I have no idea how alimoney will work but I believe I'm in a decent state for women and divorce, Maryland. I know he will fight me for the kids and believes that he and his family are the best caretakers for them. He gets so much validation from his kids and I think he needs them in an unhealthy way and will do whatever he can to get them. I am concerned that he would use the kids as a weapon rather than working for their best interest. I believe he would tell them how bad I am and try to put me down any way he can. His parents have always watched the kids and we still have 3 years before both kids are in school fulltime.
I always think that I'm being unreasonable, over reacting, or I haven't tried hard enough to make this work. I feel that if I take divorce I am quiting before I've given everything but I really can't help DH if he won't help himself. If I start down this path, I will feel like I've let down our relationship, myself and my kids. I just want everyone to get along. When is enough enough? I can be quite strong but not when it comes to DH.
Thanks for your responses.

DH is very insecure, moody, controlling and a little emotionally abusive.
Judging from the remainder of your post, you H is more than a "little emotionally abusive"
My honest opinion if I force counseling or else divorce is that he'll take divorce.
If this is truly how you feel, then why continue to maintain the farce of marriage?
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Thanks Di,
I believe that both my husband and I grew up in a dysfunctional family that follows that triangle you shared. I think that is one reason I fell for him. It was comfortably dysfunctional. I still have issues with my mom because she is always playing the victim and looks to me to rescue her. My mom recently told me that my kids were manipulating me by telling me that they were angry. I was never allowed to disagree or share my feelings growing up so I don't have a lot of confidence in my feelings. It usually takes me a long time to realize what I'm feeling. My parents divorced about 5 years ago so now my mom is really alone and I'm the closest one who listens to her.
My husband grew up with an overbearing rescuer who still plays that role. MIL takes care of everything for us - childcare, laundry, ironing, some grocery shopping, some cleaning, some cooking. She never allowed H to have his own thoughts. Everything seems to ahve to be done her way. His father was the Persecutor and still has nothing nice to say about his son. I've recognized this for a while but I just don't know what to do from here. My husband shares some similar traits as my mom.
I also get scared that one day when I'm ready for another relationship I will find myself in the same relationship but just a different man. I still have a lot of growing and I certainly am not interested in dating. But I'm getting too far ahead of myself. I just need to work through this situation before I move onto the next. Maybe I can get H to see his ways and together we can work this out. I can always hope.
To be honest that sound like my ex and I am so happy I divorced him. I feel free and I feel so much better about my self.
Check out how much daycare would cost and
Hi Sotodog - I just had to come out of 'lurkdome' to reply to your post. I think we are married to the exact same guy! Anal fixation and all LOL!
He has criticized me for years (we have been married for almost 8 yrs, together for 10. We have two DD's 4.5 and 2.5 - I am also 38 yrs old - DH is 36. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I also have done and will do anything to keep the peace including having sex when I really really don't want to.
I have been asking my dh to go to counselling for a number of years - he has complained about the lack of excitement in the bedroom but he just can seem to understand that his total disregard for me both inside and outside of the bedroom has drained any and all passion from me. Now he has decided to go to counselling himself - he says that 99.9 % of what he wants he currently has with me but that last piece is the sex life he craves and we are on different planets. Bottom line - he is right about that - i don't like/want anal sex. I am not an exhibitionist, I have no desire for a threesome. There is nothing wrong with any of that if it floats your boat but not for me thanks. I look after most of our kids needs and I have also been the major wage earner in our marriage up until this year.
I guess - as much as I am pretty sure I lost my love for him, I was ok with existing in the marriage for the sake of the kids (even though I know we are not setting the best example for them as things stand.
Hi Sotodog,
WOW. You've got your work cut out for you.
It might be wise to seek some professional advice regarding the financial issues. You are the "major bread winner" in the union. That would mean that it could be possible for YOU to be the alimony payer wouldn't it? The rules have changed. A lot!!!!
I know laws are different in different states, and different between Canada and America, but your decision to stay or go may be decided on the answer to this type of issue.
Always get the best professional advice you can afford.
Legal advice. Spiritual advice. Financial advice. Physical advice. Whatever is needed.
Wishing you a speedy resolution,
gale4c_Gail
Hi Sotodog - I didn't have a chance to finish with my earlier post but I wanted to let you know that almost every single aspect of your DH mimics my own. We are both seriously considering divorce right now - although he has decided to go to counselling on his own without me despite the fact that I have been asking him to go for years now. I am very hurt by this but it is par for the course - he always marches to the beat of his own drum and my feelings etc. be damned.
My Dh is very attractive and in really good physical shape. He puts me down for not 'making the time" to work out regularly despite the fact that I commute up to 4 hrs per day. I supported him when he decided to make a job change that knocked his salary down to half of what he was making so he could persue a more rewarding career - yet when I lost my job due to downsizing he was very very unsupportive and expected me to be at the computer 8 hrs a day looking for job opportunities etc.
Bottom line - we are going through similar situations - I don't know how this will end - while - for my children's sake I would like as little upheaval as possible - I really do wonder if maybe divorce would be best for everyone.... I really am leaning that way....
Hang in there,
Rosecolouredspecs
Hi rosecolouredspecs -
I'm sorry you are going through the same thing I am. We just had a huge family intervention just over a week ago. My dad flew in from across the country and DH's sister told him he needs help. I even told DH that I'm so tired of his behavior that I've looked at housing for myself and the kids. I think he doesn't realize how tired I am of all of this.
I have set up counseling for us but now DH refuses to go because we had another fight which was my fault. I know that I have some issues that I need to deal with to be a happier person, a better spouse and a better mom. I have to do that regardless of if DH and I stay together. I am not confident in myself and I really don't know what my emotions are.
I feel that our relationship is unhealthy and we are not helping the kids. DH disagreed with this last night. I do think that a divorce would make him use the kids to help him feel better by telling them that I am a bad person. I'm not ready for that.
All I can say is that I'm going to go to counseling and not get discouraged because he's not going. I'm going to continue to request his presence. Not only should he go for us but he needs to go for him because I really think he has esteem issues which affect his ability to function in life. He says he's not depressed but just has very low self esteem. I don't care about the problem, I just want it to be fixed. If I don't see any improvement in a couple of years (unless I can't handle it sooner), I'm going to have to leave. I hope it doesn't come to that. I really feel I need to stay married until the kids are in school full time. We'll have to see. I just can't loose hope or faith but I also can't do it on my own. I do have support from DH's sister which is the only person he truly respects. I have support from my dad and wife but that doesn't do much for DH but it means something to me.
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom! I am in a similiar fix....my problem right now is I have stayed at home for 13 years and am having a tough time finding a job. I know when the time is right, it will present itself. And, truth be told, I really haven't been looking that long, so I shouldn't be so tough on myself.
I don't feel I can make this work anymore by myself. I'm VERY tired....
Hi Sotodog - It sounds like you are doing all the right things. It is so great that you have family support. I am sure that will help you a great deal going forward.
My Dh has decided to go to counselling by himself despite the fact that I have asked him to go for at least a couple of years now. I too have decided to go for my own good. He pretty much gave me an ultimatum last night - basically have wild exciting sex with him (he used much more colourful language) (ie. the anal activity that he wants etc.) or he is leaving. I pretty much told him "here's your hat what's your hurry?" The counselling might help but I am not holding out much hope. I want to get my self esteem back too - I feel like a weak, needy woman and yet I have been a successful career woman and the major bread winner for years. I think ours will come to a head in the next couple of weeks. I think taking all of the insults and absorbing the disrespect takes a real toll on us. I am hoping that somehow we might be able to save this marriage but I honestly think it is not possible - especially since he considers this form of raunchy sex an absolute necessity - I just don't have it in me and I can't relax due to the overwhelming anxiety that I feel. I am hoping we can keep it together until Febuary but that is not going to be easy. I just want to get past the holidays and the kids birthdays so that they never associate those occasions with the time that our family split apart. I feel so much anxiety around him - always walking on eggshells. When I think of my life without him I almost feel free.... hang in there sotodog - you are not alone.
Rose