Do I Tell Him or Not
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| Fri, 04-28-2006 - 6:40pm |
A little lengthy, but please read.
My H made a decision to fight for custody of his nine-year old son who has serious behaviorial issues. The motions were filed with the courts today. The child usually doesn't act up when we have visitation however, that is only two days a month (we live two states away and only see him once a month). The child has been kicked out of school numerous times for fighting, disrupting class, etc and has a history of inappropriate touching of females. We found out the mother (who has custody) has been using drugs, has been and is being treated for manic depression as well as selective prostituting. This all came from her current husband who had been keeping a diary of her actions as they had a child together and he was building a divorce/custody case. I totally agree the child needs to be removed from this enviornment as it's in his best interest.
My H and I have never had a solid marriage and fight all the time. As I've posted before, we got married VERY quickly and now know I never loved him nor do I think he has ever loved me. I've wanted to leave (and he's threatened to leave) since a month after we were married (been married five years). I've always had a problem with ending relationships. The way our marriage is now would not provide a healthy environment for his son who already has issues. Add to this, my H works 12-14 hours a day, six days a week so the responsibility of taking care of the child would fall on my shoulders even though I work 45-50 hours a week as well. When we married, I had no intention of raising this child nor do I have any desire to do so now, especially with his behaviorial problems and our marital issues. My H and I discussed this shortly after we were married. We don't have any children together. The ex-wife/mother has called numerous times saying she wanted to give up custody only to change her mind a few days later. The last time this happened, I was very clear that I wouldn't stay as I don't want to deal with being a full-time parent to this particular child in this particular marriage. I don't and haven't ever loved my husband enough to put myself through the stress. I realize this may sound selfish, but this is my life and I know I would be even more miserable if I stayed through this and feel I deserve a chance to be happy. The child and I don't have a strong bond. I'm more the aunt he gets to see a couple of times a year.
My question is this: Should I re-state my position so my H knows I won't be around to help should he be awarded custody so he can begin planning appropriately? I'm afraid if I tell him though, he will feel as if I'm asking him to choose between his son and me which isn't the case at all. I think I should tell him so he doesn't have any false expectations out of me as I know with his work schedule the way it is, he will have to make some major arrangements for child care, etc. If you think I should tell him, when should I do so? After the judge grants custody or right away? I don't want to place him in an awkward position but feel I need to be fair to him as well.

Wow..... this situation sounds like the deal with my now-EX-SO, except that his son lived much closer... so we saw him pretty regularly.
You've got to talk to your husband now!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I am very new to this board but I am not new to a bad marriage. I made a decision three years ago to stay in my marriage even though in my heart I knew it was over. I did so for my kids and now I am convinced it was a mistake. My wife and I have been married 25 years so it seemed appropriate not to rush into ending the relationship.
If in fact yours is as you describe the question I have is "why are you still together." Granted leaving him now is bad timing with all he is going through with his son, but staying and seeing him through this might very well cause bigger problems down the road.
The bottom line is it sounds like the two of you have no real business being married. Making the decision to leave has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. And being alone for an extended period while I survive the one-year separation has been gut wrenching. But there isn't a day that goes by that my head (not my heart) tells me I did the right thing.
Use your brain... not your heart. And you will know what the right thing for you is...
I have no experience with step-parenting or with raising teens, but it seems that if having the son come live with y'all is going to work, you both need to be on the same page and involved. Unless y'all can present a united front (perhaps with a "tough love" approach), he is going to wreek havoc in your home/life. And then what would happen...would he go to a grandparent's house? Being shuffled around like that isn't going to help him any. He needs some stability with an adult who can handle his behavior. So...I rambled a bit...my point is I think you should talk to your husband. I wouldn't present it as a "him or me" proposition, but he's got to realize that your relationship probably couldn't survive that kind of upheaval.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Beth in TX