Do men suffer through this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Do men suffer through this?
10
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:24pm
Or is my STBX just an insensitive a-hole? Why do I have to be the one that feels like crap...that feels that I have to read self-help books and talk it out and everything else? Why do I have to be the one to stay home with the kids while he comes and goes when he pleases? He acts as though a huge weight has been lifted..like I was so freaking stressful and now that we are separated he doesn't have a care in the world. It's been one week since we separated and it appears as though he is completely unaffected. I really want him to suffer, too. And i want his life to be as miserable as mine is right now. And i'm sooo trying to take the high road and not concern myself with him...just focus on me and my boys. And then he comes here and (totally out of character) acts like a loving father to his kids. Ugh, i hate him. And i feel pathetic for it. Anyone else?

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 12:25am

Hi Mkatyb,

Yes, some men are out there suffering just as badly as some of us women. I've been reading a lot of threads on this board but also on another divorce board, and there is a thread on the other one that a man wrote and it made my heart ache for his pain because it was so much like my own. It was as if he was me, but just male, and his xwtb was just like my xh. This man was very committed to his marriage, and is now very devistated by his wife wanting a divorce - just like me - my husband wanted the divorce.

I was always the one working on the relationship too, like you. Sometimes I feel like my xh is totally unaffected too, like he even seemed to be when we were married and having problems, but I also know he is the master of being blind to what he wants to be blind to. I feel his own depression, and denial that his unhappiness was coming from inside of himself, is what caused a great amount of our problems, but I doubt he will ever ever see that.

At times I'm so hurt and mad at him for so many things, and still feel so sad; not just for me or us, but for him - for the future him, who I think is going to have some real regrets that he'll have to live with when he maybe does realize what he/we could have had if he wasn't so stubborn...

I don't think anyone can really be that happy when their marriage may be falling apart, or has fallen apart, and that if they really think they are that happy right away, then they are probably in denial and it will likely sneak up and kick them in the butt later.

I doubt your h is unaffected - probably is just burying it.

I think you're smart to try to focus on yourself and your children.
Take care of yourself, T

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 8:29am

They do suffer. When my former husband left, those first days he acted like yours. I think he was relieved, he had been planning it for a while and when he finally left (without warning to me - I had no idea he was unhappy or having an affair), I was left spinning and he felt like a huge weight was off his shoulders. Add to that he no longer had the day to day responsibilities of his family and got to be with his girlfriend whenever he wanted and he was on could 9.

Then reality hit and I think he truly did suffer and does suffer. It is kind of sad now and there are times when I really feel sorry for him. It is a little bit becareful what you wish for.

It takes a while - but you'll come through this. If you can find a professional to talk with, it will help.

It may be hard to believe right now but the best revenge is living well. A wise person told me that the people who help you in life are the only ones worth getting even with.
That said make sure you have a good lawyer to protect you and your kids rights.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 4:46pm

Hi,

my husband has walked out without any past warnings or signs about 3 weeks ago. And he acts the same way: He is very cold, appears unaffected and told me he's happy and doesn't miss me at all. To make things worse - he's not only dated, he's already slept with a new woman. It hurts soooo much.

I am reading self-help books, trying to make this work... but while I'm trying to pick up the pieces, he's out having a good time.

Maybe he's handling things in this way, because he doesn't want to show me he hurts because that may give me hope- maybe he really IS happy. I don't think I'll ever know. All I know is that we have to take it one day at a time... slowly heal and be allowed to depend/rely on our friends and family much more than ever before.

Hugs!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 6:01pm
Thanks for replying guys. It's just so infuriating that he can move on so quickly after everything we've been through together. Oh well. I hope this gets easier. For all of us.

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 6:52pm
It is has been shown thru statistics that it is more of an emotional stress on men than women. They just hide it better. My ex, before we separated told me he would be happier without me. He is miserable. He told me he was going to get a hot young thing - that hasn't happened yet and he wanted the divorce. I told him before we separated, be careful what you wish for. Now divorced, I am happier and he is miserable. Of course, he was miserable before but blamed it on me. Now he has no one to blame but himself. Hang in there. Things do get better. For me, I have chosen not to get into any kind of relationship right now. It has been 2 years since we separated and just recently divorced. I need time to figure out who I am and what I want. Right now it doesn't include a man in my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 7:28pm
What's funny is that we separated for a year about three years ago. I don't feel as bad this time around as I did last time. And i'm really anxious to move on and find someone else. Which i know is unhealthy. I want to be happy without a man, too. And not care if he is with someone or not, you know? I do know that he is not learning anything from this process. And i really want to come out a better person after everything is said and done. I just wish i could get rid of this fear of being alone the rest of my life. Any recommendations?

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 8:01pm
Just take it a day at a time. I don't know how old you are but I don't think you will be alone for the rest of your life. Get to know yourself and what you want and what you want in a relationship. For me, I am in my 50's and really questioning whether I want another man in my life. Right now, I don't. Plus, I don't think the kids could handle it and I want to do what is best for all of us. I don't have the answers, you have to figure that out on your own. I only wish you the best. Divorce is so tough for everyone.
Hugs,
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 12:44pm
I felt the same way about my ex too. Actually, come to think of it, I STILL feel that way about him. Men and women deal with things differently. My ex had a plan B; a skank on the side waiting in the wings, so I guess that helped him get over it quicker. I dealt with my emotions as they came; my advice is to do that; that's the best way. Deal with feelings as they come up; don't deny your feelings and give yourself time. Keep breathing, keep eating, and get a good night's sleep. My ex ignored his feelings and tried to hide and cover up; he put on an act for the long time, and when things came to a head, he had everything to deal with at once; including regrets about marrying the skank, and not staying with his family and working on things. I have regrets too, but I dealt with things as they came up and didn't prolong my suffering. Good luck to you, it will get easier I promise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 6:14pm
My STBX is as deep as a puddle. This is the second time we seperated, and just like last time he had another woman waiting for him as soon as we split. And he says he loves her, just like he loved the other woman he left me for before? Makes me wonder in what way he loved me! Like I said, shallow. It's been almost 2 months now since we seperated, and I'm actually feeling a bit better. It does seem to be easier the second time around, lol.
I love what pp said about the fact that now they can't blame their problems on us anymore. It's so true, and I'm so happy not to be that person that ruined his life anymore!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 6:45pm

Mkatyb,


Hi. The many nuiances of divorce are puzzling to everyone involved. Very often the person who leaves a marriage is miles down the road emotionally before the physical separation. Therefore, your observation that your husband seems "relieved" by the separation is actually true. Sometime before he left physically, he "left" emotionally. The actual leave-taking is the last step for the person who leaves and the first step (and often a shock) to the person who is left. That's because the person who is left is often unaware of the other person's decision to end the relationship. Hence, you are shocked - emotionally, physically, mentally - and because it's such a surprise you can't process what's happened because you had

CL-Wisdomtooth2020