Do men suffer through this?
Find a Conversation
Do men suffer through this?
| Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:24pm |
Or is my STBX just an insensitive a-hole? Why do I have to be the one that feels like crap...that feels that I have to read self-help books and talk it out and everything else? Why do I have to be the one to stay home with the kids while he comes and goes when he pleases? He acts as though a huge weight has been lifted..like I was so freaking stressful and now that we are separated he doesn't have a care in the world. It's been one week since we separated and it appears as though he is completely unaffected. I really want him to suffer, too. And i want his life to be as miserable as mine is right now. And i'm sooo trying to take the high road and not concern myself with him...just focus on me and my boys. And then he comes here and (totally out of character) acts like a loving father to his kids. Ugh, i hate him. And i feel pathetic for it. Anyone else?

Hi Mkatyb,
Yes, some men are out there suffering just as badly as some of us women. I've been reading a lot of threads on this board but also on another divorce board, and there is a thread on the other one that a man wrote and it made my heart ache for his pain because it was so much like my own. It was as if he was me, but just male, and his xwtb was just like my xh. This man was very committed to his marriage, and is now very devistated by his wife wanting a divorce - just like me - my husband wanted the divorce.
I was always the one working on the relationship too, like you. Sometimes I feel like my xh is totally unaffected too, like he even seemed to be when we were married and having problems, but I also know he is the master of being blind to what he wants to be blind to. I feel his own depression, and denial that his unhappiness was coming from inside of himself, is what caused a great amount of our problems, but I doubt he will ever ever see that.
At times I'm so hurt and mad at him for so many things, and still feel so sad; not just for me or us, but for him - for the future him, who I think is going to have some real regrets that he'll have to live with when he maybe does realize what he/we could have had if he wasn't so stubborn...
I don't think anyone can really be that happy when their marriage may be falling apart, or has fallen apart, and that if they really think they are that happy right away, then they are probably in denial and it will likely sneak up and kick them in the butt later.
I doubt your h is unaffected - probably is just burying it.
I think you're smart to try to focus on yourself and your children.
Take care of yourself, T
They do suffer. When my former husband left, those first days he acted like yours. I think he was relieved, he had been planning it for a while and when he finally left (without warning to me - I had no idea he was unhappy or having an affair), I was left spinning and he felt like a huge weight was off his shoulders. Add to that he no longer had the day to day responsibilities of his family and got to be with his girlfriend whenever he wanted and he was on could 9.
Then reality hit and I think he truly did suffer and does suffer. It is kind of sad now and there are times when I really feel sorry for him. It is a little bit becareful what you wish for.
It takes a while - but you'll come through this. If you can find a professional to talk with, it will help.
It may be hard to believe right now but the best revenge is living well. A wise person told me that the people who help you in life are the only ones worth getting even with.
That said make sure you have a good lawyer to protect you and your kids rights.
Hi,
my husband has walked out without any past warnings or signs about 3 weeks ago. And he acts the same way: He is very cold, appears unaffected and told me he's happy and doesn't miss me at all. To make things worse - he's not only dated, he's already slept with a new woman. It hurts soooo much.
I am reading self-help books, trying to make this work... but while I'm trying to pick up the pieces, he's out having a good time.
Maybe he's handling things in this way, because he doesn't want to show me he hurts because that may give me hope- maybe he really IS happy. I don't think I'll ever know. All I know is that we have to take it one day at a time... slowly heal and be allowed to depend/rely on our friends and family much more than ever before.
Hugs!!!
Katy
Katy
Hugs,
Laura
I love what pp said about the fact that now they can't blame their problems on us anymore. It's so true, and I'm so happy not to be that person that ruined his life anymore!
Mkatyb,
Hi. The many nuiances of divorce are puzzling to everyone involved. Very often the person who leaves a marriage is miles down the road emotionally before the physical separation. Therefore, your observation that your husband seems "relieved" by the separation is actually true. Sometime before he left physically, he "left" emotionally. The actual leave-taking is the last step for the person who leaves and the first step (and often a shock) to the person who is left. That's because the person who is left is often unaware of the other person's decision to end the relationship. Hence, you are shocked - emotionally, physically, mentally - and because it's such a surprise you can't process what's happened because you had
CL-Wisdomtooth2020